I am the child of a cheating husband and the OW, AMA

[wednesdayaffairnc]

My dad was married with 2 children. He had an affair, my mum was the OW. They got married and had me, they are still married 30 years on.

Inspired by another thread I just saw, I thought my perspective might be interesting for some people.

AMA

This the thread is really interesting, thanks for posting OP! I wonder how many cheaters and OW/M consider the long term implications?

@wednesdayaffairnc excellent thread!

Was it a happy home to grow up in? Were there very smitten with one another?
Was there a shadow of guilt hanging over either of them?
I hope your personal life is lovely and calm OP x

You sound lovely OP so I hope you're not offended by this question. You seem to see your Mum as a victim in this? Why do you think that is?

It's definitely interesting. This thread has made me think a lot and changed my perspective on a few things!!

It's not something I've thought a lot about before.

Has he been good to your mum?

Does she trust him?

@Fancybed The trust issue is a good question-would you always have that feeling that if they did it once, they might do it again? I think that I probably would.

@wednesdayaffairnc excellent thread!

Was it a happy home to grow up in? Were there very smitten with one another?
Was there a shadow of guilt hanging over either of them?
I hope your personal life is lovely and calm OP x

I work in children's safeguarding so my bar for a happy home is pretty low 😂
It was fine. They were older parents, they had me in their mid 40's and are now in their 70's. They were happy enough, but they aren't the lovey dovey type, but perhaps that's their age.
It was a settled home, we were financially ok, had holidays, my needs were met, I never went without.

There was no shadow of guilt. We spoke about it once, maybe twice in nearly 30 years and that's when I directly asked about it.

Thank you, my personal life is settled, I'm happy, I don't have a strong relationship with them. They aren't emotionally or practically supportive to me and they live far away. It is what it is.

Ah thank you. No not offended at all I'm fairly level headed about it all.

I don't think my mum is a victim re the cheating. However my mum was single, he was the married one. He was the one who did most wrong in my opinion. I don't have all of the info and I don't know how much my mum knew, or what he told her at the time so it's difficult for me to know what to think about her part in it without all the info.

And outside of this, I obviously know all aspects of their lives that aren't part of this thread so prehaps knowing what my mum has been through in life impact my views on her as a whole.

My sister was terminally ill during my childhood, it was a terrible time and she died when she was 28. My mum and dad nursed her and then raised my nephew, her son, after she died. He was only 3 years old at the time. It was devastating for my mum and she never really came back from it. I feel very sorry for her. She's not had an easy life all in all.

He's not the easiest person. He can be grumpy and blunt and says the wrong thing all the time.

But she's never really had to work, stayed home with me when I was younger and has always been comfortable enough.

They're now older and they're enjoying retirement together. They still laugh and seem happy enough.

@BruFord and re the trust question.
I presume she does, there's certainly not been arguments or problems re this that I am aware of. She doesn't seem insecure in the relationship.

@BruFord @Fancybed

But if I was in her shoes I would definitely feel insecure!!! Like if he did it to her I'd just be waiting for him to do the same to me.

They do sound happy together and your Dad has clearly been supportive of your Mum over the years-your poor sister and her young son, what a tragedy for your family. 💐

Tbf, it’s all very well looking back with hindsight and being judgy like me, but we have no idea of the circumstances when they first met.

This is an interesting thread.

My grandma was the OW, but overall all of the drama within the family had little or nothing to do with that.

My "godmother" was the OW too and her daughter lived a fairly normal life .

I also know of another family who started as an affair. All children (step and half) love each other very much. They call each other siblings and now as young adults say their life is different and good (they wouldn't know if it's better, but say that they really can't complain).

Yes it's tricky isn't it. I obviously don't approve of what happened.

I think I would feel really differently if they had me in the middle of a horrendous affair that was still ongoing.

Infact they were in a relationship for years, then got married, had tubes untied and all sorts in an attempt to have another baby together. They even had pregnancy losses. I think that makes me feel 'better' about it all in a way.. them being married and be being a much longed for baby makes the cheating feel quite far removed from me as a person.