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AMA

I'm a SAHM in my 20s

97 replies

LlamaMamma · 15/08/2023 21:23

As the title suggests

OP posts:
lovewoola · 16/08/2023 10:21

@LT2 didn't realise that, I have the free app if that makes a difference.

lovewoola · 16/08/2023 10:21

thanks

DuploTrain · 16/08/2023 10:28

LT2 · 16/08/2023 10:19

@lovewoola you go to search, then click on advanced search. Then have the option to search with their username to see where they have also posted. @BrutusMcDogface yes, I think that must be a different poster. I can only see the thread where @LlamaMamma is having issues with her husband but not about OCD.

Yes I think the one with 2 DC must have been different.

The only other posts I can see from this OP is where here DH threatens to leave every time they argue.

lightinthebox · 16/08/2023 10:32

Do you have a savings account and are you able to financially support yourself if you no longer had a husband to pay the bills?

Do you judge anyone who needs child care or a bit of time away from their children?

Hoppinggreen · 16/08/2023 10:36

Apologies to OP if I have mixed her up with someone else but the username is very similar, as are some of the other details

Resilience · 16/08/2023 10:42

I'm always fascinated by these threads and how polar the views expressed often are. I think both SAH and WOH are equally valid options but that one is inherently more risky.

If you're a SAH and you don't have independent wealth, it is financially risky. But that's a fault with society, not the parent choosing to SAH. Children are born and they need looking after. Someone has to do it and the job of raising the next generation is very important indeed! It seems to me to be absolutely crazy that when their own parent wants to do that, it (often) comes at the expense of long-term financial security. I think society could do a LOT more to recognise the valuable role of SAHPs and offer them more protection.

My DSis is a SAHM. One of her DC has complex disabilities but is now an adult. For their family my sister's choice to be a SAHM was undoubtedly the right choice and has benefited all of them. It's worked because my BiL is a fundamentally decent man who recognises the value of his wife's role and has ensured her financial protection. Sadly, not all men are like him and many women aren't taught how to spot the signs until it's too late. SAH success is too reliant on the right partner and an element of luck. However, when SAH works, it often works really well.

And I say that as someone who went back to full-time work at 6 weeks with no regrets. My DC are grown now (and well-balanced, happy and we have a great relationship 😉). I'd have absolutely hated being a SAHM and my children are far happier and well-adjusted because I didn't subject us to that!

warmmfeet · 16/08/2023 12:52

@PerspiringElizabeth are you meant to pay NI contributions as a SAHM? How? Is it voluntary? I've not heard of this!

YaWeeFurryBastard · 16/08/2023 12:57

LlamaMamma · 16/08/2023 09:19

8 years

Was it a conscious choice to marry an older man who could support you not working?

Are you concerned for your situation when he’s always threatening to leave you per your previous thread?

BrownieNut · 16/08/2023 13:16

Blahahahah · 15/08/2023 23:04

I sometimes get confused by what is meant by a SAHM are you a SAHM because if you worked you wouldn't earn enough to cover childcare, so not cost effective to work or because you are supported by a partner who is wealthy?

I don’t understand your post. It comes completely from a monetary point of view and ignores the desire to spend time with young children.
SAHM just means a mum who stays home, irrespective of how that is funded.

Libraryloiterer · 16/08/2023 15:45

LlamaMamma · 16/08/2023 09:31

Cute that's how you choose to interpret them and read into something that isn't there. Sounds like you're feeling guilt about choosing being one or the other but just know that both are valid and try not to feel too much guilt!

Sorry I should have clarified, I have no skin in this game, I'm child free by choice. At 39 I have plenty of friends who are mothers however, a mixture of SAH and working, and none of them speak as sneeringly as you have here. 'Hey if working Mums choose to miss their babies first words that's cool by me tinkly laugh' really unpleasant.

Hollydays · 16/08/2023 20:13

warmmfeet · 16/08/2023 12:52

@PerspiringElizabeth are you meant to pay NI contributions as a SAHM? How? Is it voluntary? I've not heard of this!

When I was a SAHM my NI payments were made because child benefit was paid in my name.

BrownieNut · 16/08/2023 20:26

As long as you claim child benefit in your name (even if it is repaid through your partners tax return) you will get your ni paid. There is a way to go online and check how many years you have accumulated.

Hollydays · 16/08/2023 20:44

Exactly. My husband had to repay through tax but it meant that while I was a SAHM my contributions were made for me.

I'm glad it's working for you. I was a SAHM in my 30s and had a previous career in legal/finance. I had loved travelling and having fun in my 20's but never really loved my work and I found I enjoyed being at home when they were little. I was a SAHM for 5 years, but once they started school it was more monotonous and I didn't want to be at home doing housework all day, I did volunteer work and retrained in a new career in social work.

What works for now might not work forever so enjoy it but also consider your options.

PerspiringElizabeth · 16/08/2023 22:04

warmmfeet · 16/08/2023 12:52

@PerspiringElizabeth are you meant to pay NI contributions as a SAHM? How? Is it voluntary? I've not heard of this!

Yes it’s voluntary and you should do it because you can only backpay so many missed years I believe. So you may end up with gaps.

continentallentil · 16/08/2023 22:15

@LlamaMamma

You started a thread just a couple days back about the fact your husband threatens to leave you every time you have a major argument.

Which I think illustrates the point you are in a vulnerable position, and long term
SAHP is not a great plan, unless you are truly independent financially.

Honeychickpea · 16/08/2023 22:18

continentallentil · 16/08/2023 22:15

@LlamaMamma

You started a thread just a couple days back about the fact your husband threatens to leave you every time you have a major argument.

Which I think illustrates the point you are in a vulnerable position, and long term
SAHP is not a great plan, unless you are truly independent financially.

And OP's husband could get half of that independent wealth in a divorce.

Peony654 · 16/08/2023 22:18

Do you worry about what will happen if your marriage breaks down? Would you be confident in your ability to get back into work? (Zero judgment - I’m genuinely interested as those would be my worries)

Tourmalines · 17/08/2023 07:02

LT2 · 16/08/2023 09:59

How old is your child really?

On this thread you say she's almost 2. On your previous thread on your marriage struggle, you state she's 14 months. That is just over 1 to me, not almost 2🥴

Yes. How old .

BrownieNut · 17/08/2023 15:22

Oh come on everyone changes the small details on their posts here and there to lessen the risk of being recognised.

LT2 · 17/08/2023 21:00

Well it's a bit more suspicious that she hasn't been back to defend herself..

Hoppinggreen · 17/08/2023 21:21

LT2 · 17/08/2023 21:00

Well it's a bit more suspicious that she hasn't been back to defend herself..

Or answer any questions which reference previous posts she has made

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/08/2023 21:25

Is your DH aware that you currently have no plans to work again?
Will you homeschool?
Do you find it heartbreaking that your DH works and may miss something?

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