I grew up with an alcoholic father….AMA

[notamumyet2010]

As the title says-I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who can’t show love, AMA.

Ditto.

I wonder how much we have in common? Do you drink?

Yes I have a drink with dinner on a meal out now and again and at a party I would have a few and get merry but certainly not in any way that I would deem to an issue.
You?
I can see now as an adult that my dad has such an addictive personality and I have 2 siblings and I wouldn’t class any of us as drinkers.

Same here. My dad died of lung cancer. He was an alcoholic all the time I remember. But I didn’t realise it was unusual until someone told me in my twenties that he was an alcoholic and that it would have affected me which of course it did.

Never drunk alcohol. Never will.

My Dad had undiagnosed bipolar disorder and was self medicating. He has been sober for 17yrs. He is the best of men but alcohol stole a portion of my childhood experience that I will never get back.

What was the worst thing about it all? The alcoholism or your mum?

Were there happy bits you remember too?

@notamumyet2010 me too. Always walking on egg shells, not knowing how it was going to be. Went NC after many years of abuse and he died . It was a few years until we were told. I love alcohol but don't drink. Thanks dad.

Truthfully I have only recently just started to refer to him as an alcoholic. For a long time I have said likes a drink, drinks a bit too much and never thought he was what I could class as an alcoholic as he didn’t wake up in the morning and down a drink. However since being sat in a hospital with him and him being told he has to stop drinking or he will drop down dead this year and him then telling me to drop him at the pub after the appointment and him basically telling me all he cares about is the pub-I have now accepted that he has this disease and as much as I hate it, he won’t stop drinking daily until the day he dies.

@bornintheuk2 I agree-coming home from school and never knowing if he will be moody (not had a drink that day) happy and chatting (had a few) or too many (sleeping on the sofa) It was like I had different dads.
How we never crashed when he was driving me around drunk I don’t know and I find that hard to forgive. He could easily have killed me many times.

Looking back (or even now), would you say it would have been quite easy for you to slip into similar drinking to your dad? Did you make an active choice to avoid it or did it just not happen anyway?

@ReddishBrown I think the fact I could rely on him. I could have a long chat with him one day and then the next day he wouldn’t remember any of it. And never knowing what to expect.
Plus sitting in pubs watching him drink and drink and knowing that would change his personality.
Regarding my mum it is very hard not being told you’re loved by your parents. I spent many nights wishing I had different parents.
And weirdly so, yes I do have happy memories as well but I think that’s a safely thing-we try and protect ourselves and also when you’re young you know no difference. I honestly thought all parents were like mine.

Couldn’t

@DojaPhat I honestly just don’t think any of his children have that in them. It isn’t like I have avoided it on purpose and like I say at a party I will certainly be drunk but I couldn’t imagine drinking every day-he acts like going to the pub is a job. It’s hard to explain but it’s a very sad situation even as an adult to deal with.

That being said I do get people follow the habits their parents have. I know it sounds strange to say but I honestly think he would have loved if one of us was like him.

How can you tell he has bipolar if isn't diagnosed?

How old were you when you realised that he drank more that others, even if not realising it was called alcoholism?

Did he have trauma he tried to drown out that kicked it all off, or was it a case of liking a drink and it just spiralled?

Your mum... Although she doesn't show it to you, do you think she actually does love you? Just that I have known people who are like this with their children but do love them, just weren't shown love themselves and don't know how to show it to their children.

@1ofMany That’s a really good question. I think I was quite young when I realised he drank a lot and I realised he would
change and behave differently if he had had a drink or not. Probably once I hit my teenage years I started to see just the damage it was causing. I was 15 when he got caught drink driving the first time and the shame my mum felt was spoken about daily in the house for months. What’s scary is how easy things become normal or at least what you know of as normal.
I really think my mum has a mental health issue. She can’t show love to others as she only thinks and cares about herself. It wasn’t till I was an adult and after months of therapy that I realise the part of her brain which is meant to care about others is just damaged. My therapist said it would be one of 3 things, childhood abuse, brain damage or she has a mental health issue. She can’t show love or concern for anyone. If someone is sick-she is dying.

I think alcoholism can be related to MH sometimes too?

As an adult now, knowing there must be a reason for your mum being that way, have you managed to or tried to make peace with your "inner child" so you know it wasn't your fault and how different it would have all been if she didn't have what you think might be a mental health issue?

Thanks for answering. That’s really sad to think he forgot that you had nice chats together.

@1ofMany I think I have certainly come to terms with that fact that this was my life and nothing I can say or do will change it. I have begged my dad to stop drinking and he looks me dead in the eye and says no, I have tried to explain to my mum how hurtful I find her behaviour but she will take no responsibility for anything-if you asked her she would say she was/is a great mum and I do think she believes that.
The hardest part that I have found coming to terms with all of it is the shame I feel. It’s hard when you meet new people and they ask you questions about your family-when do you start being honest during a new friendship/relationship especially when there is a lot to explain. And though it’s nothing to do with me, I can’t help but feel embarrassed. Why me, why my parents, why both of them.

@notamumyet2010 I used to wish I was/had been adopted

@1ofMany No I don’t think so though he didn’t have the best up bringing. What’s funny is my mum doesn’t drink at all so I often wonder how they ended up together. They finally split about 5 years ago but since they have he has just got worse and worse.

I did to, I followed his footsteps. I had a Mum with binge eating disorder. I was bullied and manipulated, medicated and sent to doctors my whole child hood.

I got clean and hope to give my children better than what I ever had, I work for this every day.

Do you think you have childhood trauma or that your childhood has impacted how you carry yourself as an adult?

My Dad was an alcoholic too. Tiptoeing around him. Worrying about my Mum finding his empty glass. Spending all of our money on alcohol and cigarettes so there wasn't any left for clothes or books for school.

Lots of good wishes to you OP. I understand.

@Deathmetal Unfortunately yes I do think it has had a negative impact-certainly on my ability to form relationships and levels of acceptable behaviour. But I have gone extreme the other day and often don’t give people a chance as I feel sure they will hurt me. I try every day to not let my past influence my future but of course that’s easer said than done.
Thank you @LuckOfTheDrawer thats very kind and best wishes to you as well.