I grew up with an alcoholic father….AMA

[notamumyet2010]

As the title says-I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who can’t show love, AMA.

I’ve seen the damage alcohol can do through 2 aunts and the effect on my cousins. Two male cousins in particular have tried to “ rescue” really damaged women by forming relationships with them, or married very unloving women because they feel unworthy. predictably it has ended disastrously Their mother my aunt ( and I feel guilty saying this, she was lovely in some ways) neglected her sons emotionally and their relationships with women have been hugely affected. You have all my sympathies and it sounds like you have great insight and hopefully will break the chain.

Did you tell people ? I found out indirectly that my mum's dad was an alcoholic. He was high functioning and worked as the chairman of a steel company. Suppose it was easier to hide in the 40's- 60s? . My mum has never said anything about it to us. Even my dad didn't know and he knew my grandfather - though I doubt spent much time with him.

When I found out so much about my mum makes sense. I've never talked to her about it as it's obviously deeply buried.
Just wondering how you handled it?

@TaraRhu I have recently started to be more honest with people. I think the hardest part of that was the shame but I’m trying hard to realise that it’s nothing for me to be ashamed off. It’s not me that is choosing drink over family or even life. I agree with you tho-my dad is in his 70s now and a lot of his friends when he was younger were probably the same as him but it just wasn’t spoken about back then. I think my dad was high functioning back when he was younger but the years and years of drinking have really taken their toil now and he honestly looks like he is homeless now.

@notamumyet2010 I'm sorry, it must be hard to see your Dad like that. Very sad really. It's interesting to hear about your mum too. My parents had im us late and I don't remember a lot about her, but she certainly wasn't described as a nice person. She had a favourite child and actively disliked the other two. She was an educated woman at a time when it was ok to be educated but not to work. She was clearly frustrated. My mum also described her as ' taking to her bed' for long periods. Fairly toxic combination for my mum. Her relationship with her siblings is very odd and dysfunctional.

Do you have siblings? How do you get along?

@TaraRhu Yes two and at times tho sometimes the stress of our parents can affect our relationship. For example my brother hasn’t seen my dad in months as he hates seeing him drunk and my sister judges him for that. I’m kind of stuck in the middle-I also hate seeing him drunk but realise if I don’t then I won’t see him at all as he is drunk every day. It’s difficult when your parents aren’t the people you would like them to be and I’m very jealous of friends who have dads that are ‘normal’

My mum has a favourite child as well-she adores my brother and he can do no wrong in her mind even tho he barely sees her she won’t hear a bad word said about him even tho it’s me that does everything for her.
The parent/child relationship is difficult in the best circumstances and this certainly isn’t the best of circumstances.

I'm commenting and saving this to read later. Alcohol ruined my childhood. The smell of stale beer/alcohol is incredibly triggering for me due to finding it spilt everywhere in the morning in a pile around him.. Falling in the hall face down, collapsing in the garden, going on benders and being taken in the car at night to try find him.

He abused me and has ruined my siblings mental health due to inappropriate treatment /comments and behaviours. I have no childhood memories, only really ones my mind has created from photos. I went no contact with him after suppressed memories returned, and he'd get pissed as fuck and stalk my mobile phone and threaten to come to my work. This went on for years.

He finally killed himself 20years ago. I'm so like him in looks and personality which is the worst thing. 😭

A few years ago I went through all our family photos and separated out the ones with him in them.. My sibling is unable to drink/addictive, but I'm good. I can take or leave it. As a teenager/early 20s I used alcohol to mask a lot of problems and was sexually attacked twice. Can't say the R word.

Sometimes I wonder how my other parent didn't see how bad things were and how much damage or did to us. But I strongly suspect ND, and life has to go on.

If anyone has kids living in this situation, please, for the love of fucking sanity, get your children out of it. Mine and my siblings mental health has been irreparably damaged due to the different ACEs. I had a breakdown a few years ago after pretending it was all OK for many years.

Fuck. I haven't spoke about this stuff for a long time. I'm gonna read your thread later op.. Think I need to build up to it. You're brave to do an AMA ♥️💜.

I'm so sorry to read your story and think you're very brave. I hadn't expected you to be still in the middle of the situation for some reason. That must be heartbreaking to have him want to go to the pub, especially considering the consequences 😭.

I hope you find this thread cathartic. Sorry i info dumped, it all just came pouring out but it's your thread not mine. It just set something off 😢

Sending lots of strength to you 💖

@MyEyesAreBleeding Thank you that’s really kind. I’m sorry if my post stirred up any difficult feelings for you-in a way it’s comforting to know that not everyone has the perfect parents. And don’t say sorry at all. That’s what I posted for to reach out to others. Take care :-)

💜💜