My parents were a very 'textbook' example of alcoholic, abusive narcissist and passive (sober) enabler. I was brought up by them. AMA

[February83]

This !!

How old are you and how are you doing now?

I'm 32. I still suffer occasional anger issues but trying to manage if

I know a family like this right now - alcoholic and passive enabler - though not an abusive narcissist, there are of course the expected issues with outbursts, erratic behaviour etc. The children are tween/teens and I'm watching a bit helplessly as they are not family and I'm not sure I can help at all. Would there have been anything outsiders could have done in your case to help, do you think?

Ah - very difficult to answer hmm . Not much outsiders could do apart from being straight with my mum that her behaviour was causing damage or informing social services. Sometimes I wish SS had intervened despite the likely disruption

What did a typical weekend look like when you were a child?

My mum would whisk me 60 miles or so every other Saturday down to her parents house and we'd stay overnight and come back on the Sunday. The one time I didn't go as I'd rather stay home with all my mod cons - they lived out in the sticks - my mum used guilt on me when she returned - you know the "look what you made me do" routine

In the last 3 years of my childhood si 14-17

Thank you for posting. When did you realise about their behaviour? I'm a 'normal' mother navigating my children's relationship with their narc father. What can I do to help them understand its not them, its him? One in particular idolised him.

Sorry posted too soon. In the last 3 years of my childhood- so 14-17 my Nan had died and my grandad developed dementia and had to live with us. My mums drinking was ramped up in this time and one Sat afternoon she chucked me out in clothes I was stood up in Wilber she knew I had nowhere to go after hitting me and turning the blame on me

My husband had this dynamic. He is really quite angry at his passive mother now in adulthood. She’s an expert poor me person and has a victim mentality. Nothing is ever her fault, and she cannot be blamed for anything. Her life has been harder than anyone else’s. It’s kind of worn thin now and my husband and his siblings have little to do with her (the dad died of his alcoholism when my husband was 23).

Do you drink?
Are you attracted to drinkers?

I realised I was the passive person and my ex was abusive. It's a horribly crippling place to be though as their abuse pushes and pushes you into a person you don't even recognise. I did escape, I did realise that it wasn't ok. But 10 years out of the relationship now and I am still learning to stand up to him in a safe way.
And of course leaving didn't make the children safe. The court eventually ordered contact despite compelling evidence (medical, police, school)

If your enabler parent had left with you but then you had had to spend weekends alone with the abusive parent (a v common scenario these days ) would that have been better or worse? If we try and say too much about how abusive the parent was we run the risk of being accused of parental alienation and losing all access to our children

Do you have contact with your parents now?
How do you feel about them?

I would be as matter of fact about your narc husband as possible with your children. So be matter of fact about his narc behaviour with them however that manifests

I only drink v occasionally- about 7 units a year!
I'm not attracted to drinkers

I noticed my mum's behaviour at 10

I wish the enabler parent had left as I didn't have a clue how healthy relationships worked - at least this way - if he'd left I'd learn that you don't put up with bad behaviour. As it stood I learned you excused bad behaviour

My parents are both dead.

I feel they were both emotionally immature. I also feel angry towards them

Did your own parents have difficult childhoods too?

They made out their parents were excellent upstanding citizens so in the face of it - no. But reading between the lines they seem to have been under their parents
thumb

Do you feel equally angry with both of them or is there more anger toward one in particular, and if so, which one?

Were any of their parents also alcoholics or addicts?

Also have you experienced codependency as a result of having an alcoholic parent?

No - I had a friendship a bit along those lines but I ended it promptly when j realised

Not as far as I'm aware although my dad once alluded to his dad being but he - dads dad died before I was born. My dads dad was very controlling of him though and from what I gather he's just meekly gone along with it