My parents were a very 'textbook' example of alcoholic, abusive narcissist and passive (sober) enabler. I was brought up by them. AMA

[February83]

This !!

Much more angry towards my mum - my dad was more reasonable

Have you found it difficult to have healthy relationships yourself at all as an adult?

Very similar here OP but the genders were the other way round and I'm a fair but older than you.

I'm angry still that my mum couldn't be more protective of me but I understand that in reality she's just too passive and was scared of upsetting him, so it's not something she was capable of doing.

I don't miss the narc drama now my dad has died.

Yes I'm too much of a people pleaser

Sorry you suffered I can relate to a lot of this

@February83 I do struggle to fully respect her and see her as sort of child-like.

Did you feel like that about your dad?

Yes saw him as weak and pathetic

I had counselling a while ago and this was one of the situations covered. It helped a lot. Have you ever done that?

That's interesting. I'm terrified of how the abuse will affect my children long term. Social work were supportive but now believe my xh sob stories. It's exhausting.

In a piecemeal way but not 'properly' as such

What can I do to help my child with this

@coodawoodashooda don't worry - my feeling is that the abuse needn't affect your kids long term as long as you're as matter of fact as possible with them about your ex's behaviour. The good thing about you - which my dad didn't do - is that you've now split from an abusive narc. Your kids will look back as adults and see this as a good thing you did. Also if you're now matter of fact with them about his behaviour- they'll respect you for it, I feel

@coodawoodashooda
In order to help your child with any anger issues I would firstly validate their feelings. So say something along the lines of "it's completely understandable you feel angry given that X happened". And whatever behaviour your ex displayed that your child is angry about - be matter of fact about it - e.g if drunkenness say - "your dad was wrong. While having a few drinks is understandable on New Years Eve/Xmas - it's wrong to have too much to drink on a normal day when you have childcare commitments just to help you feel 'better' because it makes children in the situation feel a bit anxious and fearful that their parent can't deal with things or react normally to things. By being matter of fact about it it makes the situation less emotionally charged imo and helps diminish anger