My teenage son died - AMA

[aloneinthenight]

My son died from cancer when he was 14.

We are so bad at handling grief in the UK.

People never know what to say, and feel uncomfortable, or worry about getting things wrong.

So ask me anything you like and I promise I won't mind.

Sorry in my haste I completely forgot to say how terribly sad I am that you have had to go through one of the cruellest experience in life. I haven't read the whole thread but you seem to be doing remarkably. But I know you sometimes have no other choice but to appear strong.

Sorry if my words aren't comforting, I know some people have said the wrong things to me before.

Thank you for this thread. I’m going to remember ‘how are you today’.

I'm so sorry OP. I lost my brother young and it was very hard, and so my mum lost her son (aged 27). It must have been so difficult but she made sure we always kept him alive to people. She talked about him to everyone she met, forever really. It must have been so difficult sometimes as I'm sure people didn't always know how to respond, but 25 years after he died we were still talking about him which can only be a good thing. I'm grateful that she did that. I talk about him to my friends, especially the ones that knew him. The first two years I couldn't speak about him dying at all.

I feel quite heartbroken when I read threads like this even though I'm very happy and just get on with my life. You're still his mum and he is still part of your family. Do you speak to his brother about him? (Sorry if you've said already, I couldn't read all the thread) ❤️

I'm not sure it helped him, but now it helps me.

I promised him that I would never look away or leave the room if something was too hard. If he had to go through it then so did I.

It's left me with a lot of trauma, which has been hard, but it was important to me that he knew that there was nothing too hard.

Also, there is so much I don't remember. I wish I'd kept a journal or something but didn't have it in me. I have a WhatsApp thread with a friend that contains a lot of day to day info but it's not quite the same.

Yes, me too.

I think the suggested phrase ,as below ,is helpful because it doesn't put the bereaved on the spot so much ,doesn't focus so closely on their feelings .Which they may not want or be able to think about or describe .

I would say though, ask 'how is today' rather than 'how are you'

We do talk but sometimes he takes me by surprise.

He said recently that he was struggling to remember him (he was 11) so today I gave him a photo book of the two of them together.

I feel bad I haven't done it sooner but it genuinely didn't occur to me so I'm glad he told me.

@aloneinthenight So sorry that you lost your lovely son.
The only thing I wonder in these unimaginable situations is ''How can the parents carry on living?'' the weight of grief would be too much to bear.

What do you feel about ''The Afterlife''?
I hope there is one..

Mum's friends lost their son to illness,{He was an adult then, but the agent must still be the same} and every Monday a group of people who have lost loved ones meet in the Cemetery, whatever the weather for half an hour or so. Jonathan's gravestone says ''Remember me Laughing'' on it.

Edit...The agony must be the same, not the ''agent'' {..Predictive text is annoying, as is lack of edit button}

I don't know about the afterlife but I do believe in presence.

Having said that, I have friends whose children have died and we often talk of them sharing a flat somewhere eating dominos.

I'm so sorry OP. Xx

My mum died when I was 2yrs old, and a neighbour whom mum was friendly with helped feed Dad and me in the early months of our grief.

The neighbour had lost her son, on a family holiday.
He was Nine.

His mum said to me when I was old enough to understand: ''Your mum was the only person who wouldn't cross the road when she saw me walking along, after Bevis's death.

Bevis's mum said most people avoided her, heads down, probably out of awkwardness.

You are right, Death is the last ''Taboo'' in UK, it is so rarely talked about, and people are awkward, embarrassed, feel they don't know what to say , especially to a grieving parent.

That's interesting.. thank you for replying.

I too believe in a 'Presence' of beloved people.

One strange thing happened ... Our lovely next door neighbours lost their adult son in a Motorbike accident. {A woman pulled out of a T junction without looking }

Chris, their son was a passionate 'Radio Ham'..There used to be a large mast on the neighbours roof from when Chris lived at home.

About a year after Chris died, they noticed an old radio that had had its back unscrewed and left in a spare room had been repaired.

His mum said to her husband ''I see you put the back back on that old radio?''
His dad replied ''I didn't..I haven't been in there, no one has?'

The neighbours told me this over the garden wall, as a strange thing to have happened.. Can't explain it.
It needed physically screwing back on, as was a vintage radio.

Who knows..

We will all find out one day, that is for sure.

A friend said that when her friend died, she said ''Oh! Dad has come for me..'' and quietly died.

Thank you so much for this thread.

I am so so sorry for your loss.
I've just read the thread with tears in my eyes.

A guy I was seeing before DH passed away a few years ago (in his late twenties) and for the past 2.5 years, I've ummed and ahhed over sending his mum photos of him that I have in old Facebook albums. I met her a few times and she was always lovely but I'm not sure she'd remember me.
I saw your comment that your favourite thing is when people share photos of your son, so I've just bitten the bullet and messaged his mum to say I'm sorry for her loss and asking if she'd like the photos.
Thank you xxx

My sons best friend died of cancer aged 11. I was so proud of how my dd handled it - 100 times better than me.
I get Facebook meteorites off the two of them popping up every now and then. I wonder if I should share them with his family - but never know if that is thoughtful or inconsiderate?

Meteorites? Memories!

You can drive yourself mad thinking about it but I do believe that you take what you need, if that makes sense.

Feathers, robins, rainbows. All of them make me feel comfort.

That would be the most lovely gift.

It's so painful to think you've seen every photo that there is. I would be so grateful to you

I would message and ask, rather than tag, but only so it's not totally out of the blue, rather than they would be unwelcome.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your DS. He sounds completely wonderful.

Can I ask if your relationship with your DH/DP has changed since his passing?

I’m so deeply sorry for the loss of your precious son. I have 3 questions: How has the dynamic with his father changed ( so you grieve differently, give each other space, talk, etc)? After my daughter died, I went into a sort of exile for many years and shut down and ex-DH just let me be and stay there.

Have you seen your son in your dreams?

Did you ever have a feeling beforehand something wasn’t right with him?

I wish you peace and strength in the days ahead.

Look like PP and I posted the same question at the same time.

It's complicated.

In some ways we are kinder to each other, but in other ways we have dealt with it very differently. We struggle in very different ways. In some ways I think it's made us stronger but some days i think we having nothing left for each other.

I think we're as well as can be, but also I know now that if we split in the future, it won't be the worst thing that's ever happened.

I wish he'd get some more external support but he won't be persuaded.

I'm so sorry, and I identify with all of that. Sometimes I think I'll wake up in a few years time and we'll be in different places entirely. I don't have the energy to do anything about it though.

I do dream about him, although not as often as I would like.

No, I genuinely didn't see it coming. He was never ill, always invincible. I genuinely just thought it was a bit of a virus. So much so that I was on my way back from a weekend away when he was diagnosed.