My teenage son died - AMA

[aloneinthenight]

My son died from cancer when he was 14.

We are so bad at handling grief in the UK.

People never know what to say, and feel uncomfortable, or worry about getting things wrong.

So ask me anything you like and I promise I won't mind.

I can't imagine death by suicide as a mother. That must magnify the loss so much.

I think you can send her a message to say how sorry you are, particularly if you have memories of him.

I think that must be so much more important in those circumstances- to show that you're not afraid of it.

What I found most difficult was knowing that people were now frightened of me. I could see the panic in their faces.

I had one Mum, similar relationship to you, who ran up to me in a supermarket and said 'I don't know what to say so I'm just going to say hello and go back to my trolley'. I loved her so much for that.

Also @FromDespairToHere, sometimes those people are the best people.

Your close friends are often too upset themselves, dealing with their own feelings etc. Sometimes having someone you feel comfortable with but have a little distance from is good. I often felt more comfortable if I didn't have to worry about their feelings too.

So don't assume she doesn't want to hear from you, go for a walk etc.

Thank you for answering OP. I would like to think that he knew you were there too in his final moments. I have been a Nurse for many years and have had the privilege of being involved / present when people have passed away and I always think there is only one opportunity to give people peace at that moment and that families have to live with that moment for the rest of their lives. I am so very very sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing x

First I am so sorry - to lose a child must be horrific.
Yesterday, coincidentally I met a mum who had lost her 14 year old son at about the same time I lost DH (AML) - we were out walking our dogs (we agreed they have brought some comfort and purpose to our lives).
I asked her his name and what had happened (if she was ok talking about this) but as others have said talking about the loved one doesn't make the bereaved person any sadder - that is not possible
In the UK, you are right, we simply still do not have an open understanding about grief and bereavement.

OP I'm so so sorry...I can't even imagine the heartbreak. Your son sounds great and you are incredible.

I've recently lost my mam very suddenly and unexpectedly and just having people message me just to acknowledge it, to acknowledge her, to acknowledge my grief has been a huge comfort to me.

You are right though that we don't talk about grief enough in this country.

I'm so sorry @Mammyloveswine - sending you love.

We do need to talk about it more. It effects everyone at some point in our lives and people have no way to deal with it.

What does continuing bonds mean? Continuing bonds with the one who past away or the people who are still with us? Perhaps both?

It means continuing to have a relationship with someone ever after they have died.

So I will always be his mother and I will carry him forward with me.

This is a good explanation of it

whatsyourgrief.com/grief-concept-care-continuing-bonds/

@aloneinthenight I am so sorry for your loss.
My DH died of AML in his 20's.

I agree with so much of what you have said-I want it to be normal to mention an anecdote about him. I feel like I want him to be remembered-his name spoken with fondness and happiness.

I'm glad you came here to tell us about your darling boy

If I may butt in here, as someone who has lost a family member to suicide, we had neighbours crossing the road to avoid speaking to us presumably because they didn’t know what to say, so in your shoes I would write a card, say you have just found out, and send your condolences and say something nice about the lady’s son. And say something like you don’t want to intrude but you are around the corner if she ever wanted a coffee and leave your phone number. And if she takes you up on it, don’t avoid mentioning her son unless she steers the conversation another way.

Sorry for the thread hi-hack op. I am so very sorry for your loss. I have dc slightly older and know how much you invest in them. I very much admire your determination apparent in this para:

However I made a promise to myself that I would not let him be the reason my life is terrible. He was the best thing that happened to me, along with his brother, and I owe it to him to carry on living my life

The way you describe your son as being constantly on the move, I am sure he would have approved 💐

When my friend lost her son at 16 in bad circumstances she said the worst was when people crossed the street because they didn’t know what to say to her. I thought this was horrific. A hug and “I don’t know what to say “ is better than nothing.
I cannot imagine the indescribable pain of loosing a child- you have my upmost sympathy and respect.

I'm so sorry. That's so sad.

Carry on talking. ❤️

It's a loss on top of the loss.

The loss of knowing you are a person who makes others feel comfortable.

It's hard.

I am truly, from my heart, so sorry for your loss. I would like to ask, because you are right, we are awful at handling loss and grief, what did you need that you didn’t get, what could people have done? What can we learn from you to do for others in life? I wouldn’t know what to do and what not to do and would feel like a dog that had knocked a paint pot over and was running around making it all worse. Please help us understand what to do and say. Again, I am deeply, deeply sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy.

I’m very sorry for your loss, it must be the hardest loss of all. I don’t think a parent ever envisions a child going before them.

May I ask if you’re religious/ spiritual in any way? If you weren’t before, has this changed…

I have amazing support and amazing friends.

Some friends who I thought I was really close to let me down, and others really came through.

I think the important thing is to keep showing up. Sometimes people messaged me and I didn't reply so they never bothered again. I just wasn't capable that day.

What I love most is when people give me the photos that they have.

But most of all it's people being able to look it in the eye. To not pearl clutch and say how tragic your life is, but also to acknowledge that it is hard and can't be made better.

In therapy, it's called 'holding the space' and some are better at it than others.

I'd say I was agnostic at best, certainly not religious but respectful of people who are.

He is buried in our churchyard but it only because it's local.

In terms of spirituality, I feel my son around me most in nature. Big weather, high winds, storm clouds, rainbows, a big blue sky. That's when I feel his presence but I don't have a religious belief.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry. I absolutely admire people like you, who despite being through the worst thing we could ever think of, you've struggled through the suffering so.you can still be there for the rest of your loved ones.

Can I ask... did your son ever ask you of he would die? How did you handle it?

I ask this because years ago I watched a prog about children on heart transplant lists, living their lives in hospital on artificial heart machines until/if a donor arrived, and a sweet little boy of about 12yrs old had been waiting for months and gradually getting worse, broke down and asked his dad "am I going to die dad?" His dad held it all together and chirpily said "of course you aren't son!" and nervously laughed while hugging him tightly. At the end of the documentary we learned the little boy died just a couple weeks after filing had ended. It really stuck with me. A young life should never have to worry about death like that. And I often wonder how his dad felt about telling him he wouldn't die, but then he did.

Did anything like that happen with you, where you had to pretend there was absolutely no chance he would die, saying it out loud to him, but still knowing deep down it was a very real possibility.

I also ask this because my sister has returning hodgkins lymphoma. Her second time. She's early 20s. And I'm seriously concerned that it'll keep returning, because the 1st round of treatment only 'cured' it for about a year before it came back again. And I'm afraid of her asking the same question posed by that little boy... Am I going to die? Do I lie and say "of course you won't!" Or do I be honest and say "well, it's a real possibility?"

I don't want to be cruel with honesty, but at the same time I've asked her to be honest with me about how she feels. Because I've seen her get weighed down by putting on a brave face and acting like she's OK, only to learn later she's not OK. So I've told her to always be honest with me, that she doesn't have to work hard at pretending to protect my feelings. So should I offer her the same honesty?

I don't think he ever asked directly. If he did, I don't remember, but I don't think so.

But my younger son did.

I told him that I couldn't make any promises but everyone was doing everything they could to make him better and that was the most we could promise.

I wish there was a way that mothers could share grief to ease the burden for those who have lost a child. I would take a teeny bit of your grief if it made things better for you but I know that’s silly and not possible. Is there anything anyone has ever done that has given you some support in the darkness of grief? I never know what to do to really help people going through suffering.

I think be led by her. People will hear what they need but knowing that she can be honest with you must mean an awful not to her.

If I'm brutally honest - money.

I was self employed and couldn't work. I gave up work when he was diagnosed.

A friend arranged and paid for a cleaner, another friend came and did some gardening. Food vouchers like Sainsburys, Costa, posh ready meals.

It sounds brutal but it's accurate.

OP my heart goes out to you. Thank you for starting this thread, it's an important thing for everyone to think about. We all need to know how to deal with grief. Our own and other people's.

I can't imagine what it feels like to lose a child. My DF died very recently. I experienced the shock and trauma of witnessing his death and of course I feel great grief but I imagine the loss of a child is many, many times worse. It is not fair or right for a child to go before a parent. I really feel for you.

I have found the reactions of some people quite off putting. A couple of friends in particular, I wonder if they are friends at all as they seem to expect me to just get over it. Friends that I was grateful for were those who did practical things like making me food in the days directly afterwards and who continue now to just ask how I am and ask me about things like whether I have contacted the stone mason. There is so much to do after a death and it really helps if people are interested in how you are coping with it all.

Above all of course I really, really appreciate people asking about my dad. What he was like, what he liked, about his life etc. It's all I think about at the moment and other people sharing my thoughts makes me feel less alone with the grief. I really don't want or need distraction from it.

I'm so sorry for your unimaginable loss. 14 is so young and must cause utter heartache everyday.

Was your son Ill before he found out he had cancer? How did you find out?

Also, I wanted to say after reading your thread that im not religious either but truly believe that presence can be felt with the wind and skies, I always felt silly saying it but I sometimes think that it's a passed loved one giving me a little nod

Love to you all. Is there any reason you posted this now? His birthday? Anniversary of when he died?

I only ask because my son was seriously ill in GOSH twenty years ago. At the end of January, every year, I always become a bit introspect as I remember the time. I sure it affects my mood slightly, but I don’t talk about it. Ds, thankfully recovered and has no lasting health problems. I wondered whether there any particular trigger for you posting this now.