I’m autistic AMA

[EbbyEbs]

Diagnosed at 39. AMA

@EbbyEbs thank you, that would be really helpful. I get by ok a lot of the time, but it's exhausting.

An example of masking - going out for lunch with 2 friends. They want to sit talking about breast feeding, hair and beauty products, work etc … I want to start a discussion about how Chillingham Castle was used to hold and torture prisoners during the Anglo-Scottish wars but that wouldn’t be “normal” so I mask and join in with the stuff they’re talking about even though I have zero interest in it - because otherwise I expose myself as having weird interests.

I am autistic and entirely relate to this. You've described it perfectly.

Hasn't she just 🤣
Laughing about it with my DH because we are exactly the same. Mine is usually to do with local history of the building we are in. Far more interesting then talking about mundane topics.

It really is, it’s so incredibly boring. I’m a nurse and mask all morning discussing boring stuff but then occasionally I get an elderly patient who starts talking about the war … well that’s it, pen down … tell me everything! Where were you evacuated to? Did you get on with your evacuation family? What was it like on rations? Did you ever have to go in an air raid shelter? Etc etc … 😂 they love it as they get used to people being bored of the war stories so when I show an interest they could talk all day. I’ve often made myself late for my next patient as I just want to keep talking to them about their history. That’s an example of autism having an impact on professionalism.

I know it's not my AMA but other examples of masking are forcing yourself to stay still, so not rocking when talking to people or making sure they can't see you rubbing your fingers together or flapping your hands.
Another is forcing eye contact when it's really really uncomfortable for you. I find I can't really take in what the other person is saying when I do it. I hear more when I look away.

A typical masking conversation means that I force eye contact, talk about topics I have absolutely no interest in, I stop stimming, I try to mirror the other person in terms of body language, voice pitch and tone and I even have to be conscious of what my face is doing as my natural expression is really flat.

It's exhausting.

It’s a difficult one as at 16 you really do want to be like everyone else. I would encourage her to make her own decision on this one but does she have a special interest? Say for instance, her special interest is horses … when she gets in tell her you found out something interesting about a certain breed of horse … if she’s anything like me she will instantly forget about college and want to discuss horses. For me it’s dogs (long term special interest) or British history.

I don’t socialise in real life (well, I do sometimes but it’s rare). Here I can join in with conversations that interest me, it doesn’t matter if I say the wrong thing or people think I’m weird because nobody knows who I am. I learn quite a bit too from some of the posts on here and I like learning new stuff. It can also be very amusing.

I am married ☺️ DH indulges me sometimes on my obsessions and other times he tells me I’m going on and on … so it works well 😂

I am capable of love, I love my family and I love my dogs. I just tend to be indifferent to anyone outside of my family.

Oh yes, local history of current location! Love it! My house hasn’t got much history as it’s only 20 years old but the ground it’s built on has an interesting history.

Some of the pubs in the old town have direct connections to the civil war and the slave trade - I can’t just go for a drink in them, I see it as a history lesson and become fascinated with every picture, every piece of architecture, the atmosphere … the “if walls could talk”ness of it all! I LOVE history.

When people say about winning the lottery they would buy a massive house and a sports car etc … I say I’d buy an old farmhouse in the countryside and pay to do a history degree 😂

Is it possible to have an enjoyable social encounter with an NT person and what would that look like? I don't want to be a chore for my autistic friends, I'd like them to enjoy meeting. Would it be better to stick to online contact?

Absolutely, the eye contact thing is awful because I concentrate so much on that I become conscious that I’m staring … that makes me not know where to look … I’m no longer listening to what they’re saying as I’m thinking about where my eyes should be directed.

I also start to copy off them - I’ll copy their tone, their laugh, their opinions and even the words they are saying. I often think it must be bloody obvious that something isn’t right when people talk to me

I’m glad you are loved and you have a good job and what sounds like a nice life. My autistic daughter is 16 and struggling mentally so much. She still masks a lot even though I tell her she didn’t need to (she was diagnosed last year). She hates herself even though she is surrounded by loving family. All I want for her is to be happy with a satisfying life. Do you think it’s an age thing? That she will grow to love herself and be more positive about life?

Honestly I’m not sure, every autistic person is different but I personally don’t enjoy any conversation unless it’s about something I’m interested in. But on the flip side I know that is a selfish way to go about things and you can’t just have everything your own way so I will try and show an interest. I’m not sure there is anything you can do other than take an interest in one of their special topics but I realise that might be incredibly boring for you too.

My dd is 22 and autistic. She has spent her life being desperate for friends and a boyfriend.

She chats a lot online but just cannot make the connections she craves.

I'm not sure if she thinks she should have them or genuinely wants them. All I know is it causes her so much pain.

Did you struggle in your early 20s before accepting that you weren't that bothered about having friends?

Sorry, I've reread your post and you've more or less answered that.

I’m incredibly lucky as DH earns a good wage so I only have to work minimal hours. If I had to work full time I would be a complete mess.

At 16 it’s so difficult as all you want is to be like everyone else. I hated myself at 16 too because nobody liked me and I blamed myself - I couldn’t understand why I was seen as different.

It took me until I was in my 20s to pretend I didn’t care what other people thought and it took me until I was in my 30s to genuinely mean it.

The only thing I would suggest is engage with her special interests if you can, I know it’s boring (unless you’re lucky enough to hold similar interests) but to me, my “obsessions” are everything and nothing makes me happier than engaging in my special interests

Yes I really did, I made friends with all the wrong sorts of people and just pretended I was like them - it was horrible and exhausting. We didn’t really have internet when I was in my 20s … well we did but it was too expensive to be on for too long, paid per minute! But at her age I would be on the internet 24/7 if I was able to.

Thanks, that makes sense.

She's amazing at communicating online but in person it's totally different.

I worry she's online too much but on the other hand she refers to online friends as friends. So she doesn't feel as lonely.

She has a very childlike vision of friendship still. Sleepovers and watching movies but she actually hates those things 🤔

Do you think your autism is the same as someone who is unable to communicate, can't be left alone, will never be independent? Are they the same condition?
Is there a line between 'neurotypical' people and autistic people. For example, I get annoyed by some sounds ( interference on zoom meetings for example, I have special interests - horses and music and would like to talk about them much more than my friends but I'm not autistic. My dad has an even more narrow special interest, which he meets up with other similar people to chat about. How to draw the line? Surely many people struggle to make friends and small talk, don't like change, sometimes find people hard to read, don't like overstimulation, have interests that others don't, isn't that part of being human? Are autistic people actually neurotypical and the few people who are effortlessly good at life the unusual ones? I don't doubt that many people struggle with social interaction etc and your life does sound exhausting, but it is for many non autistic people too. I'm not doubting your diagnosis at all by the way, I'm glad it has helped.

From one autistic to another, what are your special interests?
We all love a good info dump don't we 😁

I would be much more interested in chatting about Chillingham castle or the history of a building than beauty products although I may also be autistic, my 12yo DD is.

Do you do anything to help yourself remember things you need to do or get motivated for things you don't enjoy doing? I'm having real trouble getting DD to do enough personal care but if she's interested in something she can be extremely organised and motivated.

I know a man in his 50s who l suspect is autistic. He can spend all his time practising guitar and playing chess. He refuses to do housework and look after himself, like go to the food bank when needed. But he will complain that he is cold and hungry. Is his autism making him self-neglect or is that another issue? He did have childhood trauma. Maybe it's a combination, but it's very frustrating to watch self neglect in an intelligent adult. What do you think?

.... I actually can't quite believe that this is a real question. I mean, I know it's "AMA" so that's the point of it, but really, you had to ask if autistic people capable of love??

How does "masking" differ from "being polite"?

This isn't my AMA but I'm happy to give my personal view on this. Masking is much wider and it's about not looking odd or different rather than seeming polite, although there might sometimes be overlap.

For example, you wouldn't think me rude if, at work, I suddenly started rocking back and forward and muttering the same phrase to myself at my desk, but you would think me odd.

It wouldn't be rude of me to introduce, as a topic of conversation, the differences between a mk1 and a mk2 railway carriage, but most people I know wouldn't be particularly interested (my work colleagues mostly seem to talk about their foreign holidays - I don't do foreign holidays because I can't cope with them - their children - I don't have children because I couldn't cope with them - and what they are watching on streaming TV - I don't have streaming TV because I find Freeview sufficient for my viewing needs).

You might think it rude if I didn't make eye contact when talking - in fact, I have had negative feedback at work for people not feeling I am paying attention to them when they are talking to me - but this is very difficult for me, so looking someone in the eye is another way that I mask.