AMA: I am an atheist who regularly attends church

[IAmNotHoratio]

I was reading something in bed last night that made me realise I am probably quite an anomaly. I am an atheist (moved from being agnostic to truly feeling that it's all just a social construct) who attends church fairly regularly. I have no idea if this is interesting to people...but I thought I'd find out!

UWhatNow, that is an unwarranted assumption.
Church attendance is not compulsory, and the vast majority of any congregation are there to worship God and offer their lives in service to Him and their communities. Very few atheists are going to haul themselves out of bed early on their only full day off, to attend something they at best don’t believe and at worst despise.

Do you/ your husband make your children go to this far-right church?

I don't mean this in a snarky way at all - genuinely interested. How does your relationship work where one of you believes in God and one does not? I can't imagine respecting someone's opinion enough to spend my life with them as a partner/spouse if religion/the idea of a God was something they actually believed was true as an adult.

Is it weird that I want to be friends with her?

No, I rather like the sound of her as well. When I went to a university college chapel service quite regularly, the Bishop who presides was someone I'd have wanted to know in spite of his position.

I was in a long-term relationship with a believer. I had no problem with his belief - I respected it, went with him to various services, but didn't take Communion.

It was he who broke up the relationship, because basically, he couldn't live with my lack of faith, despite my respect for his, and (like PP in this thread) my quiet enjoyment of CofE services maybe it was my enthusiastic singing of hymns?

I did mutter things about spiritual pride at the time, but it was his loss really. He's single & childless although his ambition was to have 3 children.

Does your husband agree with these teachings?

Crikey, I'm a church-going Christian (high Anglican) and I wouldn't stay 2 minutes in a church where they were preaching homophobia. How is a Christian church far right? Sounds absolutely awful. Does your husband agree with this stuff? That would be far more of an issue for me than belief in God.

Do your children go to church?

It's important to my husband that they are exposed to it. I don't know about 'making' them attend. When they're old enough to object then we will respect their wishes. At the moment they enjoy going.

Honestly I find it quite hard. I am not sure if he finds it as hard. It's actually an issue in our relationship and we steer clear of the conversation because I do find that when he talks about his faith it makes me feel quite detached from him. Our relationship is fantastic in lots of other ways so we simply avoid this topic and focus on the good stuff. I know that might sound odd but what relationship is perfect?

He is a little bit of a strange one...if pushed then he will say that yes he agrees with the church's view. However he also says he wouldn't judge our children or love them less if one of them turned out to be not straight. We had a lot of difficult discussions pre marriage, and I wanted to end the relationship over it at one point. The whole thing does trouble me...he is a bit of a mystery to me in many ways. But he is a very non-judgemental person and very much has a 'live and let live' attitude so I hope that that prevails in the future.

They do at the moment. Until they don't want to. Neither of us will force them ever.

He would be disappointed if I refused, it would affect our relationship but not becuase he is controlling (he is quite the opposite). He is extremely supportive of all my hobbies and interests and he doesn't ask for much from me, so even though I vehemently disagree with the church, I want to support him and it would be damaging if I didn't support him.

As for Sunday school. I am not really ok with them learning that stuff but I went to a catholic school when I was younger and it clearly had zero affect on me. I think unless the parents are also brainwashing the kids at home then it has very little effect. It's just stories to them. When they get older and start exploring these things for real I will make sure that there is no brainwashing involved.

I find it very disturbing that you say it'd be damaging and would affect your relationship if you didn't attend church. If he isn't controlling then why would it be damaging?

And in the meantime they're exposed to far-right homophobic teachings. I don't understand how you can be okay with this.

I am guessing your DH is Catholic or something similar.. As a previously lapsed but now.practising again Catholic I can completely understand his view . Despite having been brought up a Catholic and attending a convent girls school with all the traditional teachings in the 70s and 80s , I never believed homosexuality was wrong (and I am straight) . I don't know how I rationalise my church faith and my cultural/ societal beliefs ( eg I've never believed contraception or who you love is wrong) . I think it is a sort of heart over head thing . I feel the faith and it makes me feel centred and present but I don't buy all the human manifestations of it . My view is that humans are very fallible and that they often get things wrong ( even the pope)but that we do our best with what we have .

I personally prefer a structure for my faith as without it I struggle to be disciplined enough to practice it and for me that is important . I choose the Catholic faith as it feels like home but I imagine if for instance I'd been brought up a Muslim I feel happiest with that religion .

So yes some of it is about comfort but also about who I feel I am and I feel no angst about ignoring some of what I feel is a human misinterpretation of God's will.

Does the priest / vicar and the rest of the congregation know you are an atheist?

If they do, do they treat you differently?

I’ve occasionally had a yen to go to a church service. I imagine it would be quite lovely … the “scenery” music and singing, the prayers being calming in the way chanting is. The sense of community and it is at that point I feel I shouldn’t go because I’d feel like an imposter and very much outside that community because I’m agnostic.

I don’t know because I haven’t tried but I imagine being viewed dimly as a gatecrasher turning up for the ambiance or at best like a tourist, welcome but not really.

so… if they do know you are an atheist are you treated as a member or a guest?

Because isn't a relationship about supporting one another? If he decided to stop supporting me in some way that was important to me it would be damaging to our relationship because I'd feel hurt. Would that be controlling of me?

Because they don't teach little kids about homophobia, it's just all the simple stories.

Yes I think this is is.

He sort of splits himself in two. The church side of him is the one that finds comfort and peace in the familiarity of it all. The rituals. My personal feeling is that he unconsciously suspends his thinking brain in order to access the 'peace'. It is so engrained in his culture and his identity that it would take too much of him to depart from the church.

I honestly have no idea what others or the priest think of me. He doesn't bother asking me to confess anymore though!

It's very obvious that I never take communion.

I do feel like an imposter but I decided to not care!

If I was a trouble maker and shouting out during the sermon they might mind (often tempting) but I keep myself to myself.

So they don't attend the main service? Presumably the will eventually?

Well done OP for going along to church because you love your DH and kids. I also attended church before coming to faith although I was never an atheist because I always felt that the very order and fine tuning of the universe meant there was a rational mind behind it. However, there was a time when I came to a real living faith and boy! Was the curtain lifted! Experience filled the whole.

I don't see why supporting your husband means you and your children going to a church whose teachings you find abhorrent every week. He's a grown adult, he can go on his own.

She can love her husband and kids without going to a homophobic church.

I've not got a question for you that hasnt already been asked but I just thought I would add my tuppenceworth re why atheists might attend church. I was a faithful church goer in my youth and received much comfort and joy from doing so. Like others here, although now an atheist, I enjoy visiting churches and I like the hymns and some of the prayers and passages from the Bible, but I like them on the same level as you might like poetry rather than as religious texts. I havent attended a church service, other than a marriage baptism or funeral, for about 30 years now.

But I have always missed the church community and I had a sudden realisation a few weeks back when visiting a small village church that I might one day, when I am retired, go back to regular church attendance. Not for religious reasons but for the community. I suspect that is quite a common reason for church attendance these days.