I met my Dad after 50 years AMA

[CharlotteSometimess]

Well, I say 50 years. It was 49 and a bit. I last saw him when I was a baby

AMA

Did you get to say everything you wanted to?

@Whiskersonkittens21 well, yes I suppose so! Thing is, I had nothing to say really. Nothing that was pent up anger or anything.

What happened to stop me seeing him was very 'of its time' and I understand that so wasn't approaching my search for him feeling bitter

How did it come about? If you were the one who made contact, what prompted you to do it when you did?

How did your first meeting go?

I was born in 1971 in the north east and my mum and dad were young and married. Within months of my birth , the marriage was falling apart and my dad had an affair with the woman I now know he went on to marry and have 3 other children with.

My mum moved on and when I was 2, she married a man who I knew only as dad. Back then, this was normal - the 'family unit' was everything and a single mum was somewhat frowned upon. My 'step' dad was all I knew and I didn't know I had a 'real' dad. We left the north east and moved down south.

When I was 14, my mum and 'step' dad say me down and told me that I was adopted (by step dad) and that my real dad was called Bob Smith (not real name), hadn't paid maintenance and in return for not having to back pay, he'd agreed to my 'step' dad adopting me and severing all ties

I was then asked if I had any questions. I said 'err no don't think so!' And that was that. It was never spoken of again apart from once when I was 20. I was at my grandmas funeral and we went back to the house. We had travelled up from the south. I picked up a sympathy card and it was signed from Bob. I showed it to my mum and she said ' yes, that's your dad.' She then said she was sorry for the decision they'd made, she said he was an immature young man and that, knowing him as she had then, she felt he'd have regrets now he was older.

I never forgot this conversation. But I Waldo never really thought about my real dad. My life was not lacking in anything

My mum and 'step' dad both died in 2019. My 'step' dad had always been my dad to me and I was treated the same as my brother - we were joint executors of the wills for example and he was always grandpa to my kids etc.

In March 2021 I was driving home from a shopping trip. And in my head I just said to myself 'do it now. Write to your dad.'

It was Friday afternoon. I got home and googled his name and address. I was banking on him living in the same area in the north east and I knew his wife's name as it was on the sympathy card all those years ago. Found him on the electoral roll.

Got a blank card and wrote in it ' Dear Bob. I hope you and your family are well. I believe we used to know each other 49 years ago. If you'd like to get in touch that might be nice. If you don't, I understand. Take care.' Added my address and phone number. Back in car, put in post box at about 3pm

He rang me on the Saturday morning.

@SouperNoodle We started talking every week on the phone and in the May I drove up north. I have family and friends in the north east still (but never visited!) and I made arrangement to see them too. I stayed in a hotel for 3 nights. We saw each other every day

First meeting? I picked him up on a street corner as he'd been for a hair cut. It was pouring with rain and he stood there with no coat or umbrella

He opened the passenger door and I said 'Christ, can't you afford an umbrella?' and he said 'shut yer gob' and that was our lovely touching reunion

@SnakeLinguine I don't know. My mum had died 2 years previously and although I didn't think it was a reaction to that, I can now see it was connected. I just knew it was the right time.

Did you laugh when he said that? Did you remember him at all? Are you still in contact with him and do you think you will stay that way?

That sounds like an awkward meeting. But how great that he called you straight away.

Sorry that you lost your parents close together like that. I’m not surprised it felt right to reach out to dad now. It sounds like your mum spoke of him in a way that made you expect him to be decent.

@HollowTalk yes I laughed. He's just an idiot basically.

I have no memory of him. Maybe something, fleeting. A sense. But in reality, no.

His wife took a while to come round. She was extremely shocked and worried I would be angry / looking for answers/ bitter. After all, they'd had an affair

But I'd had a good upbringing. I'm not bitter: I understand that human beings do stupid things with far reaching consequences sometimes. They were 20 years old

And yep - saw him again in august and then in December. Will see him in April. He messages every day or two and we speak for an hour a week

One of my children has not met their father since they were small. The father lives just a mile or so from where we have always lived. It’s been decades. It’s so hard for my child to know they have been ignored.

When you say he’s an idiot tell me more.

(Because my child’s father is most definitely an idiot- I fear that when my child eventually reaches out to find him as I know they will - I’ll be so embarrassed because he’s such a prize idiot).

@Cissyandflora yes, you're right. Don't get me wrong though, she rolled her eyes and shook her head as she was telling me how immature he had been.

When I told him this in person, he didn't try and deny it.

And he's a very typical northern bloke - if you'll forgive me for stereotyping for a moment! Very gruff and doesn't give much away. Not one for 'feelings'

But he still sent me a message yesterday saying 'happy Valentine's Day to the apple of my eye'

So that was weird but completely fitting with him

Have you met your other siblings?

@Cissyandflora speaks without thinking sometimes. Did some very stupid things - he couldn't afford to pay maintenance and when pressure was put on him to allow my (step) dad to adopt me , he agreed.

It sounds like you had good parents though. You’re describing this situation so well by the way. I’m feel I’m understanding your descriptions and explanations.

@Anystarinthesky yes. There are 3 boys - 48, 46 and 44. The eldest had been looking for me for years. He'd been researching the family tree and to his shock, found he had a sister but due to the data protection surrounding living people, he couldn't find out any further

So, this was 7 years ago, he went round to his parents house and asked them how come he had a sister

They were angry, his mum was crying, they said they wouldn't talk about it, nothing to say, they wanted to move on and it wasn't something they were going to discuss. So he got nowhere

Me and my dad spoke on the Saturday on the phone. He called my brother on the Sunday and said 'well guess who I've spoken to?' and my brother said he nearly had a heart attack

So we are in touch and have met twice

My other brothers have been told but have decided they're not bothered about meeting me. I don't think it's even come up as a topic really. They've been told, they basically said 'really?!' and that was that

And that's fine. This was never about me wanting to have siblings - I grew up with my brother (half I suppose!) and we've always been close. But this one son of his DID want to know and he'd been desperate to find me

@Cissyandflora there's a few ways of approaching this stuff

This was the 70s. Appearances counted for a lot. Being married was key - people didn't have children without being married - not really

Was he stupid? Yes. Did they all do some thing wrong? Probably. Did they all, in their early 20d wisdom make a poor decision? Yeah maybe

But I'm an adult now and I loved my mum and dad. Human beings are fallible and once you sort of grasp that, there's no bitterness

And what answers was I supposed to demand? He's been happily married to his wife for nearly 48 years. 3 sons. We can't have regrets

@Cissyandflora how old is your child? Why is your ex ignoring him?

You’re being very stoic. I’d be hurt about the brothers not being interested. I have a half sibling I’ve never met. I approached them but they were not interested in meeting me.

[quote CharlotteSometimess]@Cissyandflora how old is your child? Why is your ex ignoring him? [/quote]
My child is in their 30s. The father did not want to be with me or be involved.

One sad thing I will say though

When I met my brother for the first time he told me a story of going to see his grandma (so also my grandma and my dad's mum) in a nursing home. She had dementia

As they were leaving after one visit, she suddenly clutched my dads sleeve and said ' what about the little girl? What happened to that little girl? It's been so long since I last saw her. Is she ok?'

My brother was puzzled by this - it was before he started researching the family tree. My dad just said ' oh it's the dentist I should think' and changed the subject

We now know she was remembering me. And my dad has told me how thrilled she would be to know we were reunited and how much comfort it would have given her

Because when you remove a child from a father in this way, you also take away the grandparents and the aunties and the uncles etc etc

I'm in touch with my dads sisters and they're all completely thrilled

This is really lovely ❤️