I met my Dad after 50 years AMA

[CharlotteSometimess]

Well, I say 50 years. It was 49 and a bit. I last saw him when I was a baby

AMA

How lovely that you have your aunts and they are happy. And what a poignant memory about your grandma. She always remembered you.

@Cissyandflora couldn't care less about the other two brothers. Happy to meet them if they're ever around when I next go up and I'm sure likewise, but meh. I've got a family, my work, stuff going on

I'm sorry yours didn't want to know you. But you know it's not a personal rejection don't you? It can't possibly be because they don't know you. If you'd spent months together chatting and meeting and then they said' err no, not for me' then that's personal. All they're doing is not wanting their life potentially upheaved m
And it's their loss

My 25 Yr old had a gordie (twat/arse) dad. She doesn't need him. At 13 she was diagnosed with a brain tumour, her family and friends (mum) did everything xx

Actually it kind of was like that! I’d spent time on the phone with him, his wife, daughters. I then travelled across the world to meet him and he said no not interested in meeting you actually and hung up the phone.

*dentist should read dementia! Terrible typos. I can spell but I can't type!

I will say though that he doesn't replace my mum. Doesn't come close. Too much water under the bridge.

But he's lovely about her. Has told me all sorts of things I didn't know. Showed me their first house. Showed me where I was born. Told me where they would go and the stuff she'd wear. They were together from 15 to 21.

So I'd say we have a good relationship, he's absolutely thrilled I got in touch and he said it's made his life. So that's nice! He said he would never have got in touch with me as didn't feel he could - plus he'd never have found me anyway. I have a different name and live 250 miles away b

@Cissyandflora he's clearly an absolute tool then

Honestly if I'd have been rejected I'd have just bloody dusted myself off. I hope you can do the same. Sometimes it's just not possible to build bridges

That’s lovely that he is able to show you how much meeting you has made his life better. That must feel like it’s been the right thing to do for you both.

[quote CharlotteSometimess]@Cissyandflora he's clearly an absolute tool then

Honestly if I'd have been rejected I'd have just bloody dusted myself off. I hope you can do the same. Sometimes it's just not possible to build bridges [/quote]
Yes it was really hurtful and awful and embarrassing. I still feel ashamed about it. It was many years ago now so it’s behind me. I’m a bit of an idiot myself and put myself on the line foolishly. Quite often too! A horrible memory.

I was thinking you were replying to the brother post but realise you probably meant my child’s father. I’d say both a pair of idiots though.

@Cissyandflora please do not feel embarrassed or ashamed. Ashamed for reaching out and trying to build a relationship with a relative? The shame is all his really.

And I say that with also knowing he has a right to not want a relationship with his sibling. Who knows why? That's between him and his conscience.

You said the word 'stoic' earlier to me. Sometimes stoic is exactly what you have to be with these things. You tried your best doing a completely human thing and the fact it didn't work out isn't your fault

This is a really lovely thread OP, I’m glad you reached out to your dad.

Do you ever talk to his wife now? Do you think in time she’ll get used to this? I wonder if your two other brothers are just reticent while she adjusts rather than not being as interested

[quote CharlotteSometimess]@Cissyandflora please do not feel embarrassed or ashamed. Ashamed for reaching out and trying to build a relationship with a relative? The shame is all his really.

And I say that with also knowing he has a right to not want a relationship with his sibling. Who knows why? That's between him and his conscience.

You said the word 'stoic' earlier to me. Sometimes stoic is exactly what you have to be with these things. You tried your best doing a completely human thing and the fact it didn't work out isn't your fault [/quote]
Thank you. Stoicism is what I need. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of most things that have happened in my life. I’m a bit desperate sometimes I think.
Reading your posts I see you as having a good sense of yourself and your own place in the world already. And then you’ve made this (important) new connection. But you’ve been mature and accepting. It’s a very interesting story and thank you for sharing.

@HeresMyName1 thank you!

She's fine now. Took her a month or so. She met me when I came up the first time and gave me flowers and was nervous. Now we chat away and she's absolutely fine. Me and him tend to go off for a drive out somewhere and catch up alone but I've been to their house afterwards each time for coffee and chat afterwards and in april we will all have dinner out together

They have offered me to stay but I prefer a hotel thank you! I wouldn't stay on someone's home by choice - hotel suits me better

@Cissyandflora trust me; we are all a bit desperate sometimes that's for sure. I'm not particularly together I have to say and have done lots of things in the past that I should feel very ashamed about but as I've got older I just give less of a toss about things I can't change.

Please give yourself permission to move on from feeling embarrassed.

@CharlotteSometimess thank you for the kind words

Gosh that is so nice and love about the flowers. And still love your first comment to your dad about the umbrella, brilliant as must have broken the ice with a smile .

Your parents brought you up to be so secure in yourself and to stand on your own two feet, I’d be proud if our dc were like you if had been in similar boat .

@Cissyandflora i agree with OP that you have nothing to be ashamed about the shame is all on your father and to be perfectly honest it sounds like you were better off without him being so flaky and selfish, that's not dad material.

Move on with the rest of your life and thrive. Not meeting you is totally his loss. Believe me I know and have been in a similar situation. You tried and HE failed miserably.

Put his memory in a box and make sure you are the best dad to your own kids and make them proud to have you xxx

Why couldn’t he manage child support? Why was he relaxed about your adoption?

You know the answers but good luck with your justification of his abuse of your mum and you. He’s a disgrace.

@MsPavlichenko didn't realise you knew him and had an in-depth knowledge of how things were in 1971. What a mockery you make of women experiencing abuse. Any further comments from you on my thread will be ignored.

I am only too aware of male violence and abuse sadly.

Divorce was less common but not unknown in the sixties and seventies. My children’s grandparents were divorced and remarried by then. Both fathers maintained contact and paid child support so it can be done.

Lovely story OP :) Sounds like it worked out well, really glad you found each other.

Has your dad met your kids yet and will they call him Grandad/ Grandpa a variation of ?

Was your brother, ( your brother through your mum and stepdad), happy about the reunion ?

I hope it continues to go well for your family :) Has been lovely to read xx

@strawberrymilkshake123 thanks!

My brother was delighted for me and only surprised I hadn't done it before. But I'd never have done it when my parents were alive I don't think - I don't want anyone feeling hurt or bothered. I don't know if I was subconsciously waiting?

No, he's not met the rest of my family yet. My kids are older (one adult, one teen) and both were happy for me and fascinated by it all. There is absolutely no chance of him being grandad etc ... my kids had a wonderful grandpa who they loved very much and I've done this for me - not to foist a stranger on them and say ' here's your new grandparent kids!'

He's been very respectful of this and it's not been a topic of conversation between us. He's sent up birthday cards to both kids and he's had a few messages with my daughter. He's always politely asked how they're doing etc etc.

But really, this whole exercise has been for me and me alone. I'm happy with messages in the week, a chat on the phone once a week, and seeing him for a few days 2 or 3 times a year - the distance makes it tricky for this to be any more and I don't particularly want that. We are lucky to have this second chance and I'm lucky that I just don't want a 'new family.' I am happy with how it's gone