I was a 'nightmare' ADHD child. AMA.

[Expelled123]

Just popping on here to see if anyone would like to ask how my childhood ADHD brain worked/didn't work.

How did your parents best support you? And what were the worst things they did?

I think they supported me by 'overlooking' my excessive personality and loving me in spite of my behaviour, it wasn't an overly punitive environment at home, which allowed me to 'be' Iyswim.

The worst thing was probably them being too passive, and accepting my lack of school engagement, lack of homework etc. I needed a firm but fair approach, and I didn't get that.

Hey, fellow ADHDer! I was largely able to mask it until the wheels came off at 17 and I entered a couple of decades of chaos.
My question is more about now. What have you learnt about yourself that might help other ADHDers (me)?

Hi Blinder. I think firstly you need to forgive and be kind to yourself for possible mistakes you may have made in the past. Don't dwell, it's pointless. Our 'learning from mistakes' switch is seriously impaired, which is why we tend to repeat bad choices, or at least struggle to understand them.

I have learnt to say 'I have ADHD, the stuff you find easy I don't', rather than constantly apologise, this was a big thing for me.

I tend to not take on big projects, or overload myself with chores/favours because I start to struggle after a while. Unless I'm hyperfocused, in which case I can think of nothing else for days!

But mainly, I would say, be ok with yourself, be who you are, recognise your limitations, make your life easier for you, and don't apologise for it.

What would you advise for a child who is very very negative about themselves despite a positive environment at home?

Any strategies that have helped you with impulse control (is that’s something you find/found a challenge)?

Expelled123 that is such a kind and brilliant message. I definitely get the impaired “learning from mistakes” switch. I guess that has to do with impulsivity and (in my case) natural optimism. It’ll be FINE this time!!
I love the self-forgiveness angle. I think I’m mostly in tune with that.
I’ll try that line about things not being so easy for me, with a shrug.
But I also do love the hyperfocus and creativity and energy that comes with it. And the optimism too

As a parent of a fabulous rebel-hearted ADHDer, I would really like to know how best I could help foster that "firm but fair" approach you mentioned above. It comes off as making her do things, which always ends in a row, so now I'm worried I'm being too passive

I love that idea of the "learn from mistakes" switch. This is what I struggle to understand about the ADHD mind, and I'd like ways to help my DC.

Thank you for offering your insight! I'm currently on the waiting list for assessment but strongly suspect I have inattentive ADHD.

I wondered how you manage it in relation to your job (if you work) - have you told your boss/colleagues? Have you asked to work in ways that suit you best and, if so, what are they, or have you just naturally fallen into roles that suit you better?

Hyperfocus isn't really a thing for me unfortunately or, if it is, it's rarely work-related!

Hi.

I'm the mum of "you". DS is 13. Diagnosed at 10. Medicated, but tiny dosage. Any more and he becomes glazed over, and none of us like that.

DS doesn't wash unless he's told too. His room is a hovel, even if he tidies it (with much defiance and arguing) on a Thursday night, it's somehow the same state again by Friday. He thinks we are all stupid and don't get him, even if we understand exactly what he says, he still insists we are clueless. He doesn't let you finish sentences, he's already predicting what you are going to say (often incorrectly) and arguing back. He lies an awful lot. He has no care in his appearance, and will put on dirty clothes from his floor because it's easier than going to his wardrobe. He's not happy, I can see that, but on the flip side, he is really difficult and unpleasant an awful lot of the time, and it affects the whole household.

I absolutely take the responsibility as the parent to fix this, but I'm at my wit's end. Calm and loving discussion doesn't work. Yelling doesn't work. Cuddles and affection doesn't workm Silent treatment doesn't work. Pretending I don't care doesn't work. Lots of praise doesn't work. Lots of punishment doesn't work.

If I was parenting 13yr old you, what would you want me to do?

@guardiansofthegalaxychocs

What would you advise for a child who is very very negative about themselves despite a positive environment at home?

Any strategies that have helped you with impulse control (is that’s something you find/found a challenge)?

I think it's hard for a child with ADHD to be positive about themselves as they see that they don't 'fit in'. Even with a positive homelife, which is brilliant btw as so many ADHD kids experience negativity, they feel 'normal' (to them), but are very aware that others (not you) percieve them differently. It can impact friendships at school, and interactions with teachers/people outside of the home, which can cause a child to feel very negative about themselves.

Above all, I've found, kids with ADHD hate to view themselves as not quite like their peers. My DS has ADHD and is very negative about himself. As I had ADHD before it was really diagnosed, I didn't have to deal with medication/appointments/school meetings/feeling different because I was diagnosed, therefore I had a very positive view of myself.

I can't think of anything that can help with impulse control with a child, other than reasonably close monitering or medication. Impulse control is severely impacted with ADHD, as is learning from mistakes. It often makes people think that the child doesn't care, but I promise that this isn't the case, they do, but that doesn't unfortunately stop future mistakes, they really struggle in this regard.

@Expelled123

I think they supported me by 'overlooking' my excessive personality and loving me in spite of my behaviour, it wasn't an overly punitive environment at home, which allowed me to 'be' Iyswim.

The worst thing was probably them being too passive, and accepting my lack of school engagement, lack of homework etc. I needed a firm but fair approach, and I didn't get that.

I’m with you on the usefulness of firm but fair. By 70s standards that fits my parents. Boarding school was very firm, and I don’t remember much fairness, but I was 10 and perhaps too fine tuned to my ENORMOUS sense of injustice.

I’m not recommending we go back to the 70s (there has to be a middle ground) but if I had to choose between that and the “blame the ADHD and waggle it as a get out of jail free card” sort of thing a few of my students are being put through by their parents and teachers, I’d pick the 70s.

I think the only reason I got out of the homelessness, unemployability, constant abuse (I think predators can smell easy target on others, cos it was relentless) and general failing at life I was doing was because I had a cast iron understanding of the expectations the adult world would have of me. And that it would be as unyielding as my parents & teachers in terms of me meeting them. It was start rising to them, or stay and die in the deep poverty pit.

I think had I been diagnosed as a child my mum might have fallen victim to the GOOJF card technique despite the times, mostly because I am 99.999999% sure where my ADHD ancestral genetic trail leads. So I didn’t do that much mourning about being diagnosed so late. I’m more grateful I think, because even if mum hadn’t gone all “s’not your fault!”… I would have done. I’ve lived in this head for more than half a century and I know it likes a nice, shiny GOOJF card even when it is clearly to my own detriment.

NB This is not a statement to say all parents, teachers & experts who take a more modern approach to ADHD child management are shite, and we should bring back caning “cos it didn’t do me any harm” (still quite resentful at all the slapping, smacking etc.). It’s just a few* parents / teachers / experts in my tiny corner of the world have swung the pendulum a bit too far. And knowing the circumstances of those particular children I think it could prove more of a hinderance than a help in their futures.

@ClawedButler

As a parent of a fabulous rebel-hearted ADHDer, I would really like to know how best I could help foster that "firm but fair" approach you mentioned above. It comes off as making her do things, which always ends in a row, so now I'm worried I'm being too passive

Ah the rows! Yes, they can be spectacular can't they! I would say 'don't sweat the small stuff' i.e if she doesn't bring her cup out, just bring her cup out yourself. Do it when she's not there so you don't have that heightened annoyance factor! I know people will take a sharp intake of breath here, but seriously, you won't be doing this forever, and if it means that you bypass another row, to me, it's worth it.

Pick your battles. If it's something important, I would give her 4 opportunities to do what you ask, and then a consequence. She needs the reminders, she really does. It's hard with ADHD kids because they can just seem defiant and badly behaved, but truly, their brains are working differently in some areas to yours, sometimes significantly.

They need many reminders, but ultimately, if it's important they must do it. Time management tends to be a huge problem, so start a lot earlier than you would with a NT child.

We are just starting to get my 20 year old son assessed. Any tips for us and him about the process, what to expect and how best to support him going forwards?

@ClawedButler

I love that idea of the "learn from mistakes" switch. This is what I struggle to understand about the ADHD mind, and I'd like ways to help my DC.

It's very hard for them to learn from mistakes as impulsivity overtakes their thought processes. So for example if they played football in the garden and broke the greenhouse window (rubbish example I know!) and had to pay for the window themselves plus any other consequences, if their friend came round and brought a football the ADHD child most likely wouldn't think 'I'd better play somewhere else, I broke the window last time', they would just start playing football and the window scenario wouldn't enter their head! This happened to me so many times, in a whole host of scenarios.

Having said that, after the 3rd window breakage, the message would start to sink in. It just takes longer.

Medication will possibly help, closer monitoring, and many reminders of the window incident. Check, check, check. It's exhausting, but unfortunately has to be done.

I am mum to an 18 year old DD, recently diagnosed and awaiting Ritilin titration. Was supposed to be yesterday but suspect it will go to pot whilst Covid boosters are given priority over everything. I tried to get her to accept there was an issue and be assessed but was advised of having Munchausens by proxy !!!! and pretty much told to f off each time. I realise now that I probably have it too but do not have the emotional disregulation. Due to my poor organisational skills and memory I did not push it with school often enough and then it was too late. We went into lockdown and A levels and she fell apart totally as no structure, no face to face lessons etc.
I think we have found a way not to argue to much and she is currently working full time which gives her less time ruminating. Her bedroom is a disgrace but I have stopped moaning and leave her to it. No questions really other than whether there is a best approach to trying to make helpful suggestions without being interfering or taken as criticism. She wants to go to EU country to au pair but I am trying to explain about titration and traveling with controlled drugs etc. She thinks I just want to piss on her fireworks whereas I don't want her signing contracts she may be unable to keep. I am also worried about her looking after 3 kids unmedicated although I think the mother is around most of time just wanting help.

@PorkPieForStarters

Thank you for offering your insight! I'm currently on the waiting list for assessment but strongly suspect I have inattentive ADHD.

I wondered how you manage it in relation to your job (if you work) - have you told your boss/colleagues? Have you asked to work in ways that suit you best and, if so, what are they, or have you just naturally fallen into roles that suit you better?

Hyperfocus isn't really a thing for me unfortunately or, if it is, it's rarely work-related!

Hi PorkPieForStarters - It has impacted work in terms of lack of focus, but fortunately nothing too serious! As I've gotten older, I've found my ADHD has lessened to a much more manageable level, although I still have ridiculous impulses (eg I decided to jump over a small fence like a jockey as no-one was around, tripped, and fell flat on my face!), but mostly now I am able to stop those impulses.

I did tell my bosses, although I didn't really need to change the way I worked (in a kitchen). I would definitely advise speaking to your boss, because ADHD can come with strengths (depending on what you do), and it also can be protection from any potential mistakes, if you ever make any. I have taken on lesser roles usually, as I don't cope that brilliantly with stress and often lose what little focus I had.

Having said that, some people with ADHD are like human dynamo's and love stress and responsibility, so it really depends which applies to you.

But yes, tell your boss, as I said upthread, you are you, play to your strengths and expect understanding from others, it's the least you deserve.

For parents, especially those whose children who get stroppy, angry, or go blank when you are working on “firm but fair”, this is worth a watch. It’s not for parents, or kids, it’s aimed at adults with ADHD. So it’s a start point for thinking about how to turn it into parenting advice, rather than a worked up solution. But it’s really helped me parent me, cos … that’s how I manage my ADHD in order to get anything done.

This is part 1, part 2 pops up in the recommended on the side.

The Wall Of Awful

Thank you for being so supportive, and sorry, I read back and realised you'd specifically mentioned about your childhood ADHD brain!

I still find impulse control tricky but am slowly improving - even though I don't have an official diagnosis yet, I think being aware of the possibility has made me more aware of my behaviour which then helps me try to make better decisions. I'm still learning my strengths, but I appreciate that my brain does work differently to other people's and that can be great at times!

Thanks for your advice on speaking to my boss, that's my gut feeling too. Agree on avoiding stressful roles!

@MollysDolly

Hi.

I'm the mum of "you". DS is 13. Diagnosed at 10. Medicated, but tiny dosage. Any more and he becomes glazed over, and none of us like that.

DS doesn't wash unless he's told too. His room is a hovel, even if he tidies it (with much defiance and arguing) on a Thursday night, it's somehow the same state again by Friday. He thinks we are all stupid and don't get him, even if we understand exactly what he says, he still insists we are clueless. He doesn't let you finish sentences, he's already predicting what you are going to say (often incorrectly) and arguing back. He lies an awful lot. He has no care in his appearance, and will put on dirty clothes from his floor because it's easier than going to his wardrobe. He's not happy, I can see that, but on the flip side, he is really difficult and unpleasant an awful lot of the time, and it affects the whole household.

I absolutely take the responsibility as the parent to fix this, but I'm at my wit's end. Calm and loving discussion doesn't work. Yelling doesn't work. Cuddles and affection doesn't workm Silent treatment doesn't work. Pretending I don't care doesn't work. Lots of praise doesn't work. Lots of punishment doesn't work.

If I was parenting 13yr old you, what would you want me to do?

Hi MollysDolly.

Ah, that's a difficult one to answer in terms of me, because that wasn't how I was iyswim? So I can't really tell you what I would have wanted.

I certainly recognise a lot of the unpleasantness in my own DS (with ADHD) as you have with yours.

I think it's difficult to convey just how impactful, painful, challenging and mentally draining it is to deal with a child like yours and my DS. Although he isn't exactly the same, there are many similarities, particularly in attitude.

Don't take the responsibility to fix this because you can't fix ADHD, you can try and guide him through his poor choices, but ultimately he needs to take a level of responsibility for himself. He is definitely choosing to be disrespectful, that's not really ADHD, but he does sound angry and depressed, which will be causing some of it.

I think you maybe need to take a step back and present a calm (big ask, I know, God knows I've done everything you've mentioned, and lost it massively), consistent front. This is what will happen if you speak to us like this, this is what will happen if you don't shower today etc. Is he under CAHMS? My DS has started on Strattera (he's 14) which is an anti - depressant which also helps with ADHD, because he hated the Ritalin type meds, and he was clearly depressed and struggling. It's too soon to say whether it's the right med for him.

A lot of kids with ADHD experience a negativity spiral (not necessarily at home), caused by negative experiences from a lot of outside influences (school particularly), which causes a lot of problems for kids with ADHD. It's understandable that they can become unpleasent to live with, but it's hard to understand just how badly it affects the whole family unless you live in it. I understand you, because I live it too, and so do many others unfortunately.

In this kind of situation, you can only look to the future, hold on to the fact that this won't always be your life (it really won't be). You are trying so hard to help him, but somehow we forget that this isn't just about him, we have to try and live our lives too.

I would think about a different medication, I would reach out to other parents or groups with people that are going through the same for support or to simply offload, I would most definitely NOT take what he says personally (important!), ignore his room, continue to make him wash, tell him you love him but love doesn't mean he can talk to you like crap, and maybe take a step back and like I said upthread, pick your battles.

Life is hard for him, tell him you recognise that and you're trying to help him, but he needs to help himself too.

Don't get drawn into his drama, and cut yourslf some slack. You're amazing for trying so hard with one of the most difficult challenges a parent of an ADHD child can go through and he's very lucky to have you. It won't always be like this.

I've not had chance to answer any other questions, so will pop back tomorrow now.

Many thanks for answering my question!

This has been so helpful, I can't thank you enough

My DD definitely feels bad about herself. If she gets into trouble at school, she kind of goes into "might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb" mode and becomes increasingly belligerent and angry. Is that something you experienced?

Thank you for doing this.

I wanted to ask about effect on siblings.

DS14 is waiting for formal assessment but input from other professionals (Ed psy, school, GP) gives strong indication of ADHD of the hyper/impulsive type

We can't always separate out his being a teen or general personality from the ADHD, esp with regards to his younger sibling. Her very existence (irrationally) irritates him to the extreme ,he is obsessed with her, it is well beyond the usual sibling rivalry/jealousy. it is the biggest source of stress by far. I do worry of the effect on them both, nobody is ever happy being so nasty and it is horrible to be on the receiving end.

Thanks, am watching this post with interest. We have 10yo with ADHD who is lovely but struggling at school and it's very frustrating for DH who we have realised probably also had adhd, but still was able to excel academically. He sometimes gets angry bc DS can remember what every pokemon evolves into and endless boring facts about video games he's never even played, but can't remember a maths concept explained to him 15 minutes ago. I don't know if you'd have anything to say to a parent feeling that way, OP.