I put myself into care. AMA

[KingofEverything]

I was 15. Feel free to ask me anything. NC due to it being very specific and outing!

[1AngelicFruitCake]

Why?
What happened and do you have contact with your birth family?

[CiaoForNiao]

Was it an easy process or did SS try and convince you to stay with family?

[KingofEverything]

@1AngelicFruitCake

Why?
What happened and do you have contact with your birth family?

I lived with just my dad from being 2.5 when he got full custody of me. He was a gambling addict and also physically and mentally abusive. He left me home alone from a very young age and used to make me do things like steal for him. This was on top of the physical/mental abuse. It all intensified during puberty and he became unbearable, he was a very paranoid person and used to accuse me of all sorts of things and lock me in the house (once locked all the windows and doors and took the keys). That is the shortest version I can give you, there's lots to it.

I don't have contact with anyone but one of my half brothers, and that's just on Facebook. I've tried all that but they're all too toxic for me to deal with and stay mentally well.

[KingofEverything]

@CiaoForNiao

Was it an easy process or did SS try and convince you to stay with family?

They definitely tried to convince me to stay yes. They didn't really care who, just any old family member I could think of.
I originally went to my auntie's house (I found her address in the phone book) who I'd not in my living memory met before. She hadn't seen me since I was really small. It didn't work out though for a number of reasons- one being my dad making threats to her- and so I went to foster carers then.

[PermanentTemporary]

Do you think it was the right decision?

Did you have a foster carer?

[ivfbabymomma1]

What happened once you went into care?

[Muttly]

That sounds incredibly tough OP. You sound incredibly brave.

We’re you placed with families or in a group setting?

How are you getting on now?

[KingofEverything]

@PermanentTemporary

Do you think it was the right decision?

Did you have a foster carer?

100% yes. It wasn't easy but it was better than being with him. He was really out of control which I think was because I was gaining independence and he'd had such a tight fist over my every move since I was small.

I had a foster couple who had their own small children in the house too. I then left them (they were very uncaring, just in it for the money) and I went to live with my boyfriend's family through college. They got paid properly and everything for fostering me and had to be vetted. That placement broke down due to them being Christian and finding out we were having sex, so they asked me to leave once I'd finished my A Levels.

I then went to live with a foster carer in supported lodgings for the summer before I started at uni. I went back to her that Christmas in my first year but then I didn't go back again. She was actually nice and did care.

[KingofEverything]

TW: Animal abuse

To add more to the why- the tipping point on the day I left was him beating up my dog (which he did regularly) because I had lost my slipper. He would hit him with the heavy end of a snooker cue or just boot him.
He was convinced the dog had chewed my slipper up and I had covered for him (I had done this before). I hadn't this time and just had no idea where it was. I went to school and decided I wasn't going back.

[KingofEverything]

@Muttly

That sounds incredibly tough OP. You sound incredibly brave.

We’re you placed with families or in a group setting?

How are you getting on now?

Thank you

[PermanentTemporary]

Thank you.

Do you work in something connected to care yourself (I'm not in the least suggesting you should by the way) or can you link your work/academic interests to your experiences?

[KingofEverything]

I don't. I wanted to be a social worker when I was younger but I hadn't worked through my own experiences so I didn't end up doing it. Now I'm older I think it would be too triggering for me and I don't think I could handle it. I'm really glad I didn't pursue it. Sometimes I wonder if that makes me selfish but I would take it on too much if I couldn't help everyone, and we know that social workers can't help everyone.

My second degree is in Allied Health.

[prettyteapotsplease]

It sounds like you've been through hell and I hope you have the strength to carve out your own place in the world.

[DomPom47]

How were teachers about your situation? Was there anything they could have done to be helpful to you? Asking as I come from a family of many teachers.

[GalaxyPostcard]

I just want to say OP I think you're incredibly brave. I didn't try and get myself into the system until a month after I turned 16 and social work wouldn't work with me and instead put my in a homeless unit. I've always wondered what would have happened if I spoke up just a year earlier. Well done for getting out

[KingofEverything]

@DomPom47

How were teachers about your situation? Was there anything they could have done to be helpful to you? Asking as I come from a family of many teachers.

The day I left my friend took me to the safeguarding teacher at the end of school. I didn't even know what safeguarding meant at the time but said friend had a hard life herself and she knew about her. The teacher seemed a bit inconvienced and didn't seem to believe me. I hadnt had much contact with her throughout school though and she'd never taught me. She kept asking if I was sure I didn't want to go home and if it was all as serious as I was saying. I didn't cry or show much emotion which I think might have made her suspicious. My dad had rang the school when I didn't come home and left voicemails asking me to come back which they played to me (!). I then went to stay with my friend for the night. I'd stayed at hers before when I'd tried to run away in the past. My dad took an overdose and the safeguarding teacher told me this the next day. She then tried to convince me to go and visit my dad in the hospital but I refused.
I remember my English teacher saying to me that she knew something was wrong in the week afterwards. I knew that she was trying to coax information out of me for months before I actually left but I was too afraid to tell her. She actually got a bit too involved and offered me to go and stay with her, but she then got told off by the Head of English for being inappropriate and she stepped back from talking to me. That was hard for me because she was the only teacher who mentioned anything to me about it directly. All of the other teachers just acted as normal.

This was 2003/4 though so I'd like to think that children these days would have more support? I really hope so. I also hope that had it been now that SS would have already been involved with my dad before I left. Maybe that's naive.

[KingofEverything]

@GalaxyPostcard

I just want to say OP I think you're incredibly brave. I didn't try and get myself into the system until a month after I turned 16 and social work wouldn't work with me and instead put my in a homeless unit. I've always wondered what would have happened if I spoke up just a year earlier. Well done for getting out

Thank you. I'm so sorry they wouldn't work with you. It's a really shit system to think that 16 year olds who have been through trauma are ok to be out in the world on their own. I was very independent then because of how I was living, but what I thought was independence was just a trauma response really.

I hope you're doing ok now, and you are incredibly brave too x

[Nosilayak]

I'm so sorry that all this has happened to you and I'm pleased to read that you are happy and settled now. I adopted my ds aged 4, from a background of abuse and severe neglect and I often wonder what would have happened to him if Social Services hadn't stepped in and removed him from his birth family. I wish someone had been there to help you before you got to the stage of having to put yourself into Care and that you'd had the happy childhood that you, and all children, deserve x

[beastlyslumber]

That must have been so hard, OP. You've done so well to make it through.

What was your marriage like? Do you feel like the trauma you'd experience affected your relationships?

[KingofEverything]

@beastlyslumber

That must have been so hard, OP. You've done so well to make it through.

What was your marriage like? Do you feel like the trauma you'd experience affected your relationships?

The marriage was OK until we had children. I had some trust issues and attachment problems but I kept most of it to myself. However when I had the children I had PND but I hadn't realised until it was too late and I was really bad. When I'm depressed it comes out as being very withdrawn and snappy. I didn't feel sadness, I just felt anger brimming 24/7. So every little thing my ex H did would just get on my nerves & I felt he added to the exhaustion. I think some of that is fairly common so I'm not sure if that's all related to the past.

I ended it because I didnt want to subject him and our children to any more of my outbursts. He seemed to be a trigger somehow. It's been 3 years since we've split and in the last year especially I've really got a handle on controlling my temper and thinking first. I'm proud of myself for that but I am worried that I've done damage to my children from shouting at them. I've seen my dad's temper in me before and it's terrifying. Not the hitting but the scary shouting. When I was in the mental health hospital I told ex H I wanted to give them up and he should have them because I didn't want to mess them up by flipping out at them. He didn't listen and supported me instead and I'm so grateful. I'm still ashamed of all of that though.

[KingofEverything]

@Nosilayak

I'm so sorry that all this has happened to you and I'm pleased to read that you are happy and settled now. I adopted my ds aged 4, from a background of abuse and severe neglect and I often wonder what would have happened to him if Social Services hadn't stepped in and removed him from his birth family. I wish someone had been there to help you before you got to the stage of having to put yourself into Care and that you'd had the happy childhood that you, and all children, deserve x

Thank you. Your DS sounds like a very lucky boy to have you. It's heartbreaking to think of what he must have experienced before he was with you. I'm so glad he has a stable home too, the foster system is a difficult place to grow up even with the most well intentioned carers x

[Evesgarden]

OP you were very brave

Also OP, dont crucify you're self for the past you can't change, you've been through a lot I'm sure the kids will be absolutely fine

[KingofEverything]

Thank you. I hope so. I hope one day if I eventually tell them this (undecided) that they might understand me better and my faults. I'm not excusing anything obviously. It makes me really happy to see them have the total opposite life to what I had. My dad's addiction meant we were living in poverty. We didn't have carpets, sometimes I didn't even get a card on my birthday etc nevermind days out, holidays, extracurricular things and birthday parties etc. My 3 get all of those things within reason from the budget. Their dad helps too. I know people say money isn't the be all and end all but I think when you've lived in poverty you see it very differently.

[beastlyslumber]

Don't feel ashamed. It's clear you've always tried to do the best for your kids and you've provided them with the safe, loving home that you didn't have. That's quite an achievement. You don't have to be perfect to be a good mum and person xx

[Muttly]

OP your kids will be fine. Kids need you to own your mistakes with them and by you being open to hearing about their inner world they will be able to overcome what you have described. You sound unbelievably self aware and you will also be able to give them context in years to come if they do have questions. You honestly are absolutely amazing. I take my hat off to you not just surviving that but being a clear great human being after it all.