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I'm a detransitioner AMA

46 replies

ilovecakes4 · 13/07/2021 10:15

Have posted on MN a few times but this is a name change so I don't get it linked to me.
If you have any questions feel free to ask. Smile

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NeonMist · 13/07/2021 10:26

What was the process like to realise you wanted to detransition, and making the decision of doing so? What are things like for you now?

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Keepemguessing · 13/07/2021 10:29

Hello and Flowers. You're very brave to detransition and to start this thread.

My niece is a transman and barely speaks with me because I refuse to 'validate' her male identity. I use her chosen name and am very careful with pronouns around her, but she knows that I don't believe that anyone can change sex.

When you transitioned, did you struggle with family members and how have your relationships changed since you detransitioned?

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ditalini · 13/07/2021 10:31

Did you make any permanent changes to your body that you now regret?

If yes, do you think there was anything that could have been different that would have prevented you doing it, or were you completely determined that the path you took was right for you and no-one could have influenced you otherwise?

Do you think that this was a process in your life that you had to go through to find that it wasn't the right course for you?

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ilovecakes4 · 13/07/2021 10:32

For me the process was coming to terms with being a lesbian and learning the negative side affects of HRT, which I thankfully never reached that far. My life has become a lot better since accepting my femaleness and lesbianism.

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ilovecakes4 · 13/07/2021 10:35

It took a while for my family to accept my transition but after a while, they were very supportive. My relationships have basically stayed the same since detransitioning, apart from a few friends who are very, woke, I guess is the right word.

No, I didn't make any permanent changes to my body, thankfully. I do think I had to go through the social transition before I realised it wasn't right for me, I'm just glad it didn't go any further.

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tintodeverano2 · 13/07/2021 10:39

Were you influenced by others such as school to make you think you wanted to be a man?

A friend of mine (in 90s) dressed exclusively in boys clothes and had this been a 'thing' back then she would've transitioned too. But she was lesbian, and living quite happily so now (although now she's really into makeup and clothes! Completely different to how she was as a child).

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EmeraldShamrock · 13/07/2021 10:43

Are you NT or on the ASD spectrum.?

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ilovecakes4 · 13/07/2021 10:44

Yes, I would say that I was influenced by school and other people such as the internet. I was homophobically bullied for a while, which stopped in my later school years when I came out as trans. I ended up feeling quite down about it and found from the internet people who had been unhappy being lesbians and becoming men who seemed happier. Adding to that I felt very uncomfortable with the female parts of my body. It took me a while to realise I was happy because the bullying had stopped, not because I was actually trans, and a little while after that I began to accept my body more.

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EmeraldShamrock · 13/07/2021 10:45

Thanks for the thread. I worry for my non binary DD. I believe as a social misfit she is getting sucked in.

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ilovecakes4 · 13/07/2021 10:46

I am on a waiting list to be checked out for ASD. I have quite a few ASD signs and it runs in my family. I was checked out for it when I was quite young but the diagnostic process didn't go very far because my school were uncooperative. So, I might be on the ASD spectrum but I'm not sure.

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EmeraldShamrock · 13/07/2021 10:48

Thanks the trans DC I know (3) are misfits including DD are on the spectrum.
The connection is massive.

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ilovecakes4 · 13/07/2021 10:50

@EmeraldShamrock
I think the best thing you can do for your DD is to be supportive of her identity. When my DM was unsupportive, it made me quite defensive. It took me until she agreed with me for me to be able to think clearly about the whole thing. So, I think if you just agree and go along with it, for now, it will give her the space to think more about if this is the right choice for her. Or she might actually be NB. Just don't let her do anything permanent until she's an adult, (unless she already is), you still need to keep her safe after all. Sorry if you already do that, just my advice on how to make it better. Smile

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grey12 · 13/07/2021 10:53

What would you suggest is the best way for people/organisations/government to go about helping people who say they want to transition?

What information should people have? What support should they have? Do you think they should see a specialist?

A lot of people argue against it but your case is not an isolated one! And it should be avoided. Transition treatment is not to be played with

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ilovecakes4 · 13/07/2021 11:01

I'm not sure about seeing specialists since the one session I had (a sort of starter session to see if I needed further treatment like therapy and HRT), seemed to be very encouraging about transitioning. So, if you see a specialist then I would recommend seeing a general therapist and go private if you can afford it. I wouldn't recommend the NHS gender therapists or whatever the actual term for them is.

I think if people want to transition then it isn't really the government's/organistion's business apart from keeping everyone safe. I think they should listen to both non-trans and trans people and come to an agreement on which is safest for the majority, obviously, there's never going to be a full agreement on anything.

I think the negative information of transitioning should be more freely available as there is a lot of positive propaganda in the media. But I don't think people should be discouraged if they want to transition if that makes sense, I think there needs to be more neutrality towards the subject.

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EmeraldShamrock · 13/07/2021 11:04

I think the best thing you can do for your DD is to be supportive of her identity. When my DM was unsupportive, it made me quite defensive.
Thankfully through talking about labels and individual she is back to being herself she is a feminist, shes righteous, an alternative dresser and gay, she is comfortable part of the lgbt which we fully support.
She bought 2 gothic style dresses, I silently cried with happiness.

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ilovecakes4 · 13/07/2021 11:08

@EmeraldShamrock

That's wonderful for you and your DD.

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Oblomov21 · 13/07/2021 11:15

This is very interesting.

"she knows that I don't believe that anyone can change sex."

How did you feel about that? The lonely journey, the indisputable fact that you want something you can't have. Because you can't change your sex. Even if you had had all surgery. You still would've been left with a body that wasn't quite what you wanted.

How did you reconcile that?

My closest friend, her ds has just announced he is. I am totally supportive of my friend. He is ADHD, ASD, has what I can only describe as bad body dysmorphia.

But, It makes me so sad. I am totally supportive of my friend. I'm not sad about the bullying he might encounter in the future. But more the fact he can't have, what they ultimately wants.

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grey12 · 13/07/2021 11:19

I think the negative information of transitioning should be more freely available as there is a lot of positive propaganda in the media. But I don't think people should be discouraged if they want to transition if that makes sense, I think there needs to be more neutrality towards the subject.

Good point

But I didn't mean about discouraging. I meant more as in support to identify whether the person (a lot of times a young person!) definitely is transgender or whether they may be having different issues.

You're right, the media seems to be pushing towards it. I did comment on a different thread that there is so much "genderisation" that anyone who falls out of those extremes will possibly feel like they must be wrong.....

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ilovecakes4 · 13/07/2021 12:51

Ah sorry I miss read your post. I agree, there should definitely be more support to identify these issues and they do need to go more in depth. The therapists who want to specialise in gender issues should also be trained in general mental health (if they're not already, or go into more depth) so then they'll be easier to spot the difference between transgender person and other mental health issues. But alongside that the media has to stop promoting transgenderism, otherwise those therapists are never going to be able to call out the difference even if they know, without fear of being cancelled and losing their job. It's quite scary.

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ilovecakes4 · 13/07/2021 12:58

@Oblomov21 I think that was part of the process of detransitioning. Coming to the realisation that I would never be male, which I knew anyway, but just coming to terms with how no matter how many surgeries I would have, I would always be female and thinking more about how I would always be female made me accept that. I guess what I mean is I didn't think I should try and hide my femaleness anymore because I would always be female.

It is rather sad for actual trans people that what they want will never be attainable. I think there should be extensive therapy for them because it probably has a huge impact on their mental health. I hope your friend's DS gets the help he needs for whatever underlying issues he has, it might be dysphoria or it might be dysmorphia.

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Keepemguessing · 13/07/2021 13:04

But, It makes me so sad. I am totally supportive of my friend. I'm not sad about the bullying he might encounter in the future. But more the fact he can't have, what they ultimately wants.

I am worried that my niece sees transitioning as the answer to all of her problems. I would love to be wrong.

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ilovecakes4 · 13/07/2021 13:10

@Keepemguessing is your niece happier living as a transman? If no, then depending on her age and maturity, she will most likely (not 100% guaranteed), come to the realisation that it is not right for her, whether that is sooner or later depends on her age/maturity.

If she is happy, then she also needs to see why she is happier. So her gender therapy sessions should discuss wider issues with her and what has changed in her life since transitioning. Either way, I hope your niece does what is right for her in the end.

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Keepemguessing · 13/07/2021 13:13

ilove I don't know if she is happier. She's still suffering the same MH problems that plagued her before she started T and had her double mastectomy. I don't know if she's having any kind of therapy.

I want her to be happy.

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IceLace100 · 13/07/2021 13:20

What advice would you give to teens and young people who are questioning their gender identity?

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EmeraldShamrock · 13/07/2021 13:28

@Keepemguessing That's sad, the surgery part makes it worse if they do decide to change back.

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