I'm a detransitioner AMA

[ilovecakes4]

Have posted on MN a few times but this is a name change so I don't get it linked to me.
If you have any questions feel free to ask.

[Snoozysnoozy]

What support do you feel you could have been given to come to the "right" ( for you) choice. Or do you feel this was how it was supposed to work out for you?

[PollyPepper]

Thank you for posting OP.
A dear friend of mine has recently said she thinks she's trans. She's gay, very 'butch', and I am struggling as to best deal with it as I really think she just thinks she must be a man if she wears and presents as so masculine. She's married to wonderful woman who has stated she will not be in relationship with her if she transitions, which is understandable, so she really does have so much to lose and I'm very worried about her. She has only told me and another friend, a gay male, who has basically told her she is male and he will come to appointments etc , which I don't think is helping.
Shes got an appointment and been reffered via NHS for some vender clinic, she's off work constantly because of it. I worry about her.

[ilovecakes4]

@EdgeOfACoin no I'm not in touch with any detransitioners but I know that a few of them have social media accounts where they discuss their experiences. I am not in touch with any of them directly though.

[Anonapapple]

@ilovecakes4 thanks for replying. That's very interesting. I know only 2 trans people and both had traumatic/dysfunctional early childhood experiences. I often wondered if that led to a general identity/existence crisis that got channelled into gender.

[EdgeOfACoin]

Yes, thank you for being so open.

Are you in touch with any other detransitioners? If so, is there a sense among the community that they need to speak out about their experiences, or would most detransitioners just prefer to move on and focus on the future?

[ilovecakes4]

Yes, I'd imagine that would be a reason for some people to transition. Like I said earlier in this thread, I was bullied so I can see how that made me have low self-esteem. I felt that I was wrong. When I transitioned and reinvented myself (which wasn't just because of the bullying but that played a part), the bullying stopped. It made me feel deeper into the transgender identity. So yes, I can understand why someone would want to reinvent themselves because of hatred because I have been there myself. It takes a while for someone to wake up to it as well.

[Anonapapple]

Great thread. Thank you for being open. I have a question that I have been wondering about for a while and I hope that it isn't offensive.

Do you think that some people have conflicted feelings about gender identity because of some inner feelings of self loathing at their core (about themselves in general, not their gender? And changing gender is an extreme way to run away from oneself, to totally reinvent themselves as something else?

I am very sorry if this question comes across as clunky or insensitive or over simplifying the issue. This is something I have wondered and have never had the chance to ask 'anything' before.

[ilovecakes4]

Yes, and sorry for late reply, I did believe that theory, I'm not sure what I believed the cause to be but I did believe it literally as well. My views have changed since detransitioning and I now believe that people cannot be born in the wrong body, although someone may experience great discomfort and go to great extents to change themselves. I see transgender surgeries and hormones as close to plastic surgery now, not something I would choose, but none of my business if someone else chooses it.

[EdgeOfACoin]

Did you wholeheartedly accept the theory that people can be born with a brain in the 'wrong' body, and if so did you accept it literally (ie there was an underlying physical cause)? Have your views changed at all since detransitioning?

[ilovecakes4]

@Boood that's not a silly question at all. Yes, I would say I was influenced by that but I didn't recognise it at the time. I always tried to distance myself from that kind of look but it just progressed even further.

[Boood]

I don’t know whether this is a really crass, silly question- I apologise if it is- but how much do you think the uniformly perfect, plastic, Love Island kind of look which seems to have been so predominant for the last couple of years influenced your dysphoria? I think lots of us (as in all women, not just women with dysphoria) look at that and feel it’s utterly alien and not something we feel anything like or want to be like. Was that a factor for you? Would you have felt less alienated from what it is to be a woman if it didn’t seem to be so narrowly defined?

[ilovecakes4]

@MondayYogurt
I was afraid to tell these people because they're quite woke, identify as non-binary and pansexual kind of stuff. So I thought they would be against my detransition. One of these people drifted away from life before I got a chance to tell her, so it's sad that her last memory of me will be a kind of lie.

If you had asked me your second about 2 years ago, I would have said yes. Detrans voices weren't heard in the media. But for about a year now with the Keira Bell case, detrans voices are definitely getting stronger. Or at least imo.

[MondayYogurt]

Thank you for coming here and being so open.

You mentioned having some people you were afraid to tell about deciding to detransition. Can you tell us more about that?

And do you feel as if detrans voices aren't being heard?

[ilovecakes4]

@hungryhipposareinthehouse I think people who want to transition should be supported in their decision but also given the kind of support so they know it's not their only option. So things like therapy exploring other mental health problems which could be the underlying issue and not pushing transition onto other people.

I would say that gender dysphoria is a real mental health condition but the right treatment varies from person to person, I haven't changed my views just because of my detransition. I just realised that I had dysmorphia, not dysphoria. I would say though that I don't really think gender identity is real, only sex, as gender identity is heavily focused on stereotypes. I think a dysphoric person is someone who wants to have the opposite sex characteristics, rather than gender traits.

[JulesRimetStillGleaming]

Thanks @ilovecakes4. I wouldn't say that I was ever trans but I certainly had experiences growing up that probably would have had me questioning if I was trans if I was growing up now. And it was pre school age that thinking being a boy was better, refusing to wear girly stuff and being happy being mistaken for a boy started for me.

I often use my personal experience in online debates around sex and gender but growing up in the 70s/80s/90s compared to now is different. Internalised ideas of what it means to be female (girly = weak = stupid) definitely played a part in my feelings. If I'd had strong female role models that looked and behaved like me then my life would have made sense so much sooner. (And also getting my autism diagnosis which I didn't get until 40).

This is an important thread.

[hungryhipposareinthehouse]

What support do you think those who would like to transition should receive?
What are your thoughts now on gender dysphoria? And gender vs sex?

[ilovecakes4]

@JulesRimetStillGleaming yes I think that played a part. My DM would berate me for not wearing feminine clothes and not shaving and other stuff, which just made me want to do those things less. I could see she only expected these from girls and women so I can see how that played a part in wanting to be a man. Strangely she doesn't seem to care about that stuff now and doesn't comment. I have become more open to feminine stuff that she wanted for me as well now but yes, not being feminine like women are expected to be, definitely played a role.

[ilovecakes4]

@IceLace100 my advice to young people who want to transition is to explore all other avenues first but also to think clearly about what they are doing. Don't consume only pro-trans media, search out anti-trans stuff and look at it with an open mind. That way they can get a balance and see what is right for them.

@romdowa I am quite lucky in that I keep my social media quite private and there's not really any LGBT spaces where I live, so only my friends and family ever learnt of my transition. I am quite fortunate to have never had any backlash for detransitioning. Although there were people I was afraid to tell.

[JulesRimetStillGleaming]

And by that I really mean a backlash against the stereotypes of what women are meant to be rather than hating women - more a case of hating what women are expected to be.

[JulesRimetStillGleaming]

Do you think an element of how you felt about transitioning in the first place was internalised misogyny?

[romdowa]

Have you gotten any bad comments from the trans, lgbt community for detransitioning?

[EmeraldShamrock]

@Keepemguessing That's sad, the surgery part makes it worse if they do decide to change back.

[IceLace100]

What advice would you give to teens and young people who are questioning their gender identity?

[Keepemguessing]

ilove I don't know if she is happier. She's still suffering the same MH problems that plagued her before she started T and had her double mastectomy. I don't know if she's having any kind of therapy.

I want her to be happy.

[ilovecakes4]

@Keepemguessing is your niece happier living as a transman? If no, then depending on her age and maturity, she will most likely (not 100% guaranteed), come to the realisation that it is not right for her, whether that is sooner or later depends on her age/maturity.

If she is happy, then she also needs to see why she is happier. So her gender therapy sessions should discuss wider issues with her and what has changed in her life since transitioning. Either way, I hope your niece does what is right for her in the end.