I've been married/divorced 3 times - AMA

[ItsNotLoveActually]

1. Married at 19
2. Married at 24
3. Married at 37 Am now approaching mid 50's. As much as I say, never again, I know I probably would. I used to find it a bit embarrassing to admit but then I looked at it in a different light - yeah, I'm a 50+ yr old female that's had 3 long term relationships, it's not actually that bad.

How long did each marriage last?

Do you have children?

Why marry? Why not just have a relationship?

Do you live in Coronation Street?

What does marriage mean to you?

Where they all white weddings with a big party?

1st only lasted approx 5 yrs - white wedding - usual big do. Only married due to parental pressure. Sounds crazy now but parents very strict at the time.
2nd lasted approx 10 yrs - register office - no do at all. Married in haste - repent at leisure.
3rd lasted approx 15 yrs - married abroad - only 2 guests - small do on return.
Only 1 DC from last marriage.

Why marry? Because they asked and at that time I obviously thought it would last and believed I loved them. I've instigated all the divorces, for different reasons.

Do you still keep in contact with them?

They sound like decent enough relationships.

Also been married 3 times, divorced twice, widowed once. Never again, definitely.

How do you find people perceive this?

I find I’m seen as very pro marriage and domesticity, when in fact I’m in my sixties and have only been in any form of exclusive relationship for less than 20 years and am more comfortable without strings.

How long have you been single for in between, and did you enjoy being alone or were you always dating?
You’re obviously good at moving on and conquering heartbreak, and at realising when things aren’t working and taking steps to change it. I admire that massively. Do you have a positive outlook?

Have you had any short term relationships or are you the type who gets swept along in the excitement of it all?

I don't think you've anything to be embarrassed about,. my Mum has been divorced 3x too and I saw her beat herself up about it. I don't see how it's any different from splitting up from an unmarried relationship which most people have done a few times 🤷‍♀️

What did you do with your surname after each marriage and divorce?

@rhombuspocahontas - I have no idea where the first is now, it's a lifetime ago. It was fairly amicable though. The second turned out to be a really nasty man. I saw him a few yrs ago and went up to say 'hello' and he told me to 'FO'! The third - amicable, and he stays with me when he visits our DC.
@NoBetterthanSheShouldBe - people usually react a bit shocked and/or make jokes. I defend myself by saying that at my age, 3 long-term relationships isn't that bad!
@Spiceyornicey and @EvilOnion - The first I met whilst still at school. After we split I moved back home. I moved into a house share after a few months but felt lonely and met second DH through a newspaper add (no OLD then) and married quick quickly. I then brought a house on my own and it was the most amazing feeling, finally being independent. Met my third after about a year and married 4 yrs later. So no, I've not had long periods of time not being in a relationship. It's now been 4 yrs and I've had a 9mth and 18mth relationship in that time and dated inbetween. It really sounds crazy when I break it down like this!
@starjumps2222 - I've changed my name by deed each time - I've had 6 name changes (didn't want my second DH's name) - makes some form filling a bit awkward, lol. I haven't changed my name this time as it's my DC's name.

It sounds like you have to be in a relationship, why do you think that is?
Why would you get married again?
What does your child think about your marriages?

@carnataka - no pre-nups. The first 2 I didn't care. Was earning a decent wage and could be independent. The last one, we have a DC so it was different.
@1AngelicFruitCake - my DC is aware I've been married before but it means nothing to him, he wasn't there.
It does look like I'm constantly in relationships. Maybe it's my default position in life. I'm certainly beginning to question this.

Then you clearly have very poor taste in men, poor relationship foundations, because you can't judge, you can't seem to see that none of these had long term capabilities. Have you had counselling about your childhood, poor choices?

@Oblomov21 - Poor judgement? - It's just life, we all make mistakes and learn from them. I'm optimistic and trusting. I have no control over how other people behave. I didn't see any red flags at the time and didn't have a crystal ball. I don't need counselling, certainly not about my childhood. I've been able to discuss my feelings about my first marriage with my parents - they did what they believed to be the right thing at the time. It's over 30 yrs ago.

Me too OP, I'm not doing it again

[quote ItsNotLoveActually]@Oblomov21 - Poor judgement? - It's just life, we all make mistakes and learn from them. I'm optimistic and trusting. I have no control over how other people behave. I didn't see any red flags at the time and didn't have a crystal ball. I don't need counselling, certainly not about my childhood. I've been able to discuss my feelings about my first marriage with my parents - they did what they believed to be the right thing at the time. It's over 30 yrs ago.[/quote]
I find it interesting that you say you have no control over how your husbands behaved but by marrying 3 men you chose each of them. I’m not being critical, I just find it interesting.
Do you see yourself as a ‘hopeless romantic’? It sounds like you’ve detached yourself from each marriage failing and put it at the door of each husband, labelling yourself as ‘optimistic’ and ‘trusting’ so still seeing yourself in a positive light when it comes to relationships. Do you think you had too high expectations or just chose someone unsuitable for you?

Hope that’s ok to ask!

@1AngelicFruitCake - It would be more accurate to say that we chose each other. I married in good faith but the first two became controlling and abusive, one physically and one mentally. I was generally laid back/easy going - maybe I 'invited' their behaviour somehow? The last one I honestly thought I'd got it absolutely right, finally. Our DC came along after 8 yrs together - totally changed the dynamics - he wasn't cut out for family life/couldn't cope with DC's diagnosis. Maybe my focus on DC caused him to withdraw?
I'm certainly no hopeless romantic. I've never insisted on marriage.

Thank you for answering. Of course you didn’t ‘invite’ abuse but this is AMA and I’m curious about what led you to get married 3 times.
The only reason I could think of was you being a romantic at heart! Thanks for answering, it’s been an interesting read.

@1AngelicFruitCake - absolutely no problem.