I'm in a sexless marriage by choice. AMA

[SexlessInSussex]

I'll try and answer what I can : )

Has it always been a sexless marriage from the beginning?

Are either of you asexual?

Did you ever enjoy sex?

Is your spouse also sexless by choice?

Wish I was as im asexual. How did you find him OP?

@AIMD

Has it always been a sexless marriage from the beginning?

Yes.

@MeadowHay

Are either of you asexual?

It's a difficult one for us. We had a sex life before, separately but we started learning about things and I think we are or at least greyasexual. However our decision wasn't because of it, though it may have made it easier.

@MinnieJackson

Did you ever enjoy sex?

Yes.

Why did you choose to

@AnneLovesGilbert

Is your spouse also sexless by choice?

Yes.

Why?

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Wish I was as im asexual. How did you find him OP?

We found each other. Took a very long time though.

Do you not miss it? How does a sexless relationship compare with one with sex, do you still feel intimacy?

Is it that you hate the idea of sex? Or can't be bothered? Or something else?

@Pompom2367

Why did you choose to

A rather long story tbh but to cut it short, I was celibate for years before we met and the longer I was, the more sex averse I became and the more I realised I actually never liked sex (penetration) but liked the intimacy or affection (that I hoped) it would bring. I realised that was why I always felt empty and unsatisfied afterwards and why I usually felt closer with my close male friends than a sexual relationship.

Decided my next relationship will not include sex and the man has to feel the same or I'd rather stay alone. Was alone and okay with it for years before we met.

His story is similar but not exactly the same. He just didn't much care for it. If it happened, fine. If not, fine. He never went searching specifically for it and it had also been years for him before we met.

@user88899

Do you not miss it? How does a sexless relationship compare with one with sex, do you still feel intimacy?

No and yes, much better intimacy without the pressure of it advancing towards sex. We kiss and cuddle sometimes, if it naturally occurs, so it's not expected. We're very affectionate with each other, hugging, hair and back massages, etc. Everything else is the same in any marriage. We're just like close friends who live and partner together, sharing each other's lives.

@user7891011

Is it that you hate the idea of sex? Or can't be bothered? Or something else?

To put it bluntly, I don't wish to be penetrated anymore. I find the idea of anyone anywhere around my waist down repulsive. It feels extremely invasive. This feeling is newish but the lack of enjoyment I had during sex when it came to penetration (98% of the time) has always been there - I just never recognised it for what it was because I never knew there was any other option but to have sex.

By lack of enjoyment, I mean compared to before penetration. Once it was about to happen, I'd lose a bit or a lot of the spark I had and just go with it. Sometimes I really enjoyed it but would still prefer not. I didn't realise this was happening till years later when I was discovering my true feelings on sex.

@Fembot123

Why?

He's not bothered about it and was happy to take the expectation and pressure off the table for himself too.

what would happen one day if one/both had the urge to go a bit further?

sexless meaning nothing...oral etc? or just penetration?

good for you btw ! nothing wrong with a sexless marriage on the same page :)

what would happen one day if one/both had the urge to go a bit further?
It depends...we may carry on if we really felt like it but that's a big IF. Masturbation is always an option.

sexless meaning nothing...oral etc? or just penetration?
Both.

So do either of you masturbate and how often?

With my partner (and most previous sexual partners) there's an easiness and desire to be around one another's bodies that I think comes from having been sexually intimate. We are comfortable being naked around each other, 'embarassing' and intimate body things aren't embarassing, we bathe together or in front of one another etc. I have varying degrees of being comfortable with nudity around my oldest friends for example, but nowhere near to the same extent and comfort level as with sexual partners. Do you have that comfort with nudity and physical closeness without sex?

My other question would be: are you physically attracted to one another? In another life where you were both interested in sex, would you want to have sex with each other? I ask because for most non ace/grey I'd imagine sexual/physical attraction forms a large part of why you initially are attracted to someone - but if I knew that wasn't going to be a factor, would that change what I looked for in a partner? I don't know. Maybe I would go for different people without the need for sexual attraction to be present?

Do your close friends (and his) know that you don't have a sexual relationship?

How long have you been together?