I’m a foster carer AMA

[Newpuppymummy]

People always seem to have lots of questions for me in real life.

Hi Newpuppymummy 👋

I’ve been a foster carer for 25 years. I have recently given up fostering as I have adopted 2 children, who were both in the foster care system for 8 years! - whilst the LA spent all this time assessing various members of the child’s family suitability to care for them. By the time they had completed their assessments the children were deemed as unadoptable, due to their ages. We then began a battle with LA, who were against us adopting, as that would put an end to a foster home. Their case was so pathetic that the judge, in both cases, placed the children with us, as adopters.

There is so much wrong with LA’s decision making. I would go as far as to say that the LA go all out to protect themselves and give little consideration as to what is best for the child.

I have fostered for 3 LA’s and ended up going with an Independent agency. Without the support of the agency there would be 2 children still floundering within the care system with no secure plans for their future. I am sure that there are many children living in a state of limbo as they await decisions made by those who are supposedly doing their best for the children but very often the child is not at the forefront of their decision making.

@Newpuppymummy

I always get attached. I think you couldn’t not. They need you to love them as your own because I am the main carer. In most cases their only parent figure from birth until their plan is decided.

Hear, hear. I am a foster carer too and we have to get attached to do what we do.

@purplejungle This is something that I massively struggle with and one of the hardest parts of the job. I don’t see a way around it apart from foster to adopt which is great in some cases but doesn’t work for everyone.

I find that things really varied with social workers. I’ve had some brilliant ones who listen to what I am saying about the children and I’ve had some terrible ones. The best ones to work with me and the worst ones just ignore me when I try and advocate for the children and that’s really hard. The frustration at not being listened to as one of the other more difficult parts of fostering.

@Nousernamesleftatall I remember that poster too.
I have not as yet had any babies placed with me that have been born addicted to drugs.But I have certainly had babies who have been exposed to drugs and alcohol during pregnancy. It is very rare for a baby to get a fetal alcohol syndrome diagnosis. This usually comes later and even then it’s a really difficult diagnosis to get. I did have a baby who was exposed to a lot of alcohol abuse during pregnancy and would say he probably does have foetal alcohol syndrome although hasn’t yet been diagnosed. I think you could really see the behaviours come out once children reach nursery/school age. This is generally when they start to struggle a lot and the differences are more pronounced.

Also something I have learnt which I didn’t know is that being exposed to alcohol is often far more damaging long-term than being exposed to most drugs in pregnancy.

The majority of babies I have cared for have gone for adoption. Luckily I have always liked and got along well with the adopters. I think it would be really difficult if I didn’t like them, that hasn’t happened yet.
With the little ones who have gone home or to family members I have had to look at my own ingrained views on parenting and bringing up children and set aside these and think are they safe and are they loved? And I’ve been lucky in that they have been. I honestly don’t know how I would cope if I thought they were being returned to an abusive home. I’m not sure I could do it again after that. These babies may not lead the lives and have the opportunities that I could give them here but that doesn’t mean that they can’t have happy and fulfilled lives in their birth families. I hope Ive explained that okay. It’s not that I think I’m the most perfect parent ever just I prioritise things that these families may not.

@PigsInHeaven

The hardest part is not being listened to and being prevented from advocating for these babies in the way that you want to. I’ve pissed a lot of people off by complaining about them and their practice but it’s been necessary. I must say that I’ve come across some really brilliant social workers as well as some terrible ones.
The other awful part is of course when they leave.
Another thing that I had never anticipated being so hard was attending final contact between birth parents and babies. It is truly horrific and just the saddest few hours. It really affects me every time.

The thing that stopped me adopting the first baby we fostered was the fact that I wantEF to keep her because I couldn’t bear to give her up rather than wanting to keep her because I wanted another child. I remembered how excited I was to have my children and do all of those firsts with them and I wanted her to have parents who really wanted a child. I loved her very very much but I felt it was best for her long-term to have a family of her own he very much wanted a child. I have been lucky enough to keep in touch with her and she is very special to me still. She will always be the one who got away if that makes sense. When we meet up with her I can see that I made the right decision for her but I do sometimes allow myself to fantasise about how things would be if Id kept her.
I also thought adopting her was not really in the best interests of my own children. I am a single parent and the age difference between my children and her felt quite significant

I’m a teacher too and work with many children who have very difficult lives. Some of them have really affected me and I have wondered whether I could foster to improve the lives of other children like them. This wouldn’t be something I couldn’t do for a few years (baby and small child at home) but one thing that does worry me is that I’ve had PND with my most recent baby (out of the blue, no prior issues). Have you found fostering as stressful as when you had your own babies? An example is I find my own three year old much more stressful than the 30 other three year olds I teach everyday. Do you switch into ‘work mode’ to some extent?

*would be something I couldn’t do

Someone mentioned this upthread - it’s a thread in MN classics about a foster carer caring for a baby affected by maternal drug use.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/922821-drug-dependant-baby-advice-needed

Children who are fostered see a paediatrician every six months so you would be able to bring up any health concerns there. You also have more regular health visitor checkups. You do need to have a letter with delegated authority to take them to medical appointments and to be able to sign in an emergency for things like general anaesthetics.

There are lots of things that I would change. One of the most important things that needs to change in the system is for work to be done with families before babies are born. Often social services know of children months and months before they are born yet no work is done with the parents to be even when they have had several babies removed in the past.
I’d like lots and lots of training for everyone who works with children on attachment and early trauma and how this affects children’s brains and development.
I’d like decisions to be made that are truly child-centred. Sometimes it feels like the adults needs come first.
I’d like the court process to be shorter, yes there needs to be time for assessments but sometimes things just run at a painfully slow pace. For example I have had three babies who I have picked up from the hospital and this has taken over a year for the future to be decided. It is supposed to take six months to get through the court process but in my experience it never happens. It is so much easier for six month old baby to settle with a new family than an 18 month old baby.

@Newpuppymummy

I chose 0-2 because I don’t have a spare bedroom. The babies sleep in a cot in my room

I have been interested in fostering but don't have a spare room so interesting to read this. I childmind currently and my LA has been targetting fostering ads at childminders.

Contact is a tricky one. It has never been too traumatic for the babies that I have had but I understand from other foster care as it can be very very tricky with older children. I always take the babies to Contact and collect them afterwards as I don’t want them to have to go in a car with a stranger (contact worker) . That wouldn’t be good enough for my own children so it shouldn't be good enough for them in my opinion.
In our area most babies go for contact between three and five days a week for 1 to 2 hours each session. I think three times a week is okay for babies who might return home. At the moment Contact is still very much reduced because of covid. A lot of the contact has been changed to FaceTime – WhatsApp video.

@TiredMamof2 You don’t have the physical exhaustion of having just given birth but otherwise it equally tiring. I think in some ways it’s more tiring because you constantly second-guessing yourself because you’re trying to make up for the rubbish time they’ve often had before they were even born or in their very early days. I try to hold and cuddle them and give them skin to skin as much as possible because they’ve already lost that connection with their birth mum.
I think because you’re at home with them you never switch into work mode like you do when you're a teacher. I totally understand how one child at home can feel more difficult than 30 in the classroom.

@S00LA

FTA is great for baby but can be terrible for prospective parents and their children if baby is removed.

People don’t understand that by that stage, baby and family are bonded and it’s like a bereavement ( Except you get little community support). They understand that they personally would be devastated to lose their 10 month old baby but somehow can’t see that adopters might feel the same. Or they would but their feelings don’t count somehow.

Also many families are not rich enough to do FTA. You don’t get adoption leave from work because you are not adopting , you are fostering. But you don’t get the fostering fee because it’s FTA ( I think you get the fostering allowance as you can’t get CB ).

Then if the baby is removed you probably don’t have a job to go back to' unless your employer has been kind enough to give you a year’s unpaid leave.

So you are devastated AND you can’t pay the bills.

So yes it great for baby, but a huge gamble for families.

You do get adoption leave during FTA...