I’m a foster carer AMA

[Newpuppymummy]

People always seem to have lots of questions for me in real life.

I’m pleased to hear that they have kept in touch, I agree it’s usually helpful for everyone involved.

I foster for LA and do feel supported by my fostering officer

My children cope well but it is hard for them when the babies leave

The paperwork is a daily diary for the baby a bit like nursery records but more detailed.

Foster carers are generally self employed, yes I’m registered as SE.

You get a piece of paper signed by the parents with delegates authority for things like haircuts, giving medication etc.

Thank you for replying. You're doing really important work (like you don't know this)

Have a really lovely Christmas, and take care.

What are usually the reasons they are being fostered? Parents’ addiction? Violence? And why have you chosen that age group and not older children?

If there are lots of people waiting to adopt babies as I imagine (perhaps wrongly) why would they go to a foster cater for a year before being adopted?

Also, have there been any that you’ve been tempted to adopt yourself?

FTA is great for baby but can be terrible for prospective parents and their children if baby is removed.

People don’t understand that by that stage, baby and family are bonded and it’s like a bereavement ( Except you get little community support). They understand that they personally would be devastated to lose their 10 month old baby but somehow can’t see that adopters might feel the same. Or they would but their feelings don’t count somehow.

Also many families are not rich enough to do FTA. You don’t get adoption leave from work because you are not adopting , you are fostering. But you don’t get the fostering fee because it’s FTA ( I think you get the fostering allowance as you can’t get CB ).

Then if the baby is removed you probably don’t have a job to go back to' unless your employer has been kind enough to give you a year’s unpaid leave.

So you are devastated AND you can’t pay the bills.

So yes it great for baby, but a huge gamble for families.

What's the daftest question about it, that someone has asked you in RL?

What qualities do you think are most important for someone to have as a FC?

I was fostered and it saved my life. So thank you OP for everything you do and all those lives you’re saving through loving them.

Oh my op - what an overwhelming responsibility. What preclusions are there in terms of your mental health? I'm assuming you have to go through a rigorous assessment process and any sniff of MH issues must surely discount you as a prospective foster carer?

I'm a social worker on maternity leave very interested in changing track and becoming a foster carer for this age group.

• Do you ever worry that the separation of baby from you when they move onto adoption is worse than the original separation from birth parents? It must be hard if so, although there isn't really a way around this other than fta which has its own issues as outlined on this thread.

• Do you feel social workers respect your expertise about the child when they are planning for the child's future?

• What are your views on the frequency of contact for babies with birth parents?

Thanks

Reasons for coming into care. Often with babies coming to care at birth there’s a long history of older children being removed. The stories are always sad and in almost every case I’ve had the birth mothers have had pretty terrible childhoods themselves.
The reasons are many, abuse, neglect, drugs and alcohol, domestic violence and not keeping children safe. Many of the families have had social services involved in their lives a long time

I chose 0-2 because I don’t have a spare bedroom. The babies sleep in a cot in my room

There are usually people who want to adopt babies but the case has to go through the court system first. So it’s not usually just a case of them being able to go straight to adopters.
I almost adopted the first baby we had. She was with us from birth to 18 months and it broke my heart to see how confused she was when she moved to her adopters.

People ask why are they in care right in front of the babies in the middle of a supermarket. As if it’s any of their business at any time but do they really think I’m going to discuss their most personal details in front of them in the middle of a supermarket (or ever!)

You need to be resilient. Also you need not to be afraid to speak up and challenge but you are the person who knows the child the best and you need to advocate for them in a system that often feels broken

@MarthaHanson I’m so glad your experience has been positive x

Also for the stupid question part I wanted to say people assume the birth parents don’t love their kids. People will often say how could they not love their babies. Overwhelmingly in every case I’ve had the birth parent has loved the baby. They may not be capable of giving them the care they need or putting their needs first but they always love them.

It is a six month approval process and they do go into detail about your own childhood. You need a medical every three years so any mental health issues would come up on that. Saying that I do know foster carers who have previously suffered from anxiety and depression.

Have you been given any babies born with FAS or drug addiction issues? How did you cope and how are they now?

I remember a fabulous poster (now deceased) on Mumsnet who was a foster parent to many children over the years. She documented her last foster baby who was born with addiction issues.

Have any of the babies you adopted been placed with people you don't think are ideal (eg. family members who have their own issues or birth parents who are getting things back on track but still have difficult lives). How do you deal with this?

[For context- fostering is something that I am interested in looking in to when my own DC leave home in a few years and this is an aspect that I think I would really struggle with. I don't know how I would cope if a child I loved and cared for was being sent to live in circumstances that made me fear for her future- I would feel I'd let her down but obviously it would be unprofessional to try to keep the child]

Thanks for answering my question earlier, @Newpuppymummy. Your AMA is one of the most interesting and touching in ages, and I really admire you.

Apart from the pain of babies you've brought up from birth moving on to their adoptive families (or back to birth parents or extended family), what is the hardest thing about fostering for you? I've often thought it must be difficult to regularly take a baby to have contact with birth parents who, while they may love him or her, were also neglectful or abusive enough to have their child removed. Even if you also recognise they were themselves neglected/abused children.

Also and I would entirely understand if you didn't want to answer this what was it that stopped you from adopting the first baby you fostered, which you said you wanted? Would you have had to start from scratch and undergo the lengthy adopter approval process although you were an approved fosterer, or would you have been able to jump any stage?

Probably a very stupid question but do you have to get approval for medical tests/scans if necessary?

My DD was born with medical issues that weren't picked up until a few months in and then her first year was a whirlwind of appointments. Can you take the child like your own to the doctor and say "I think this is wrong I want it investigating." Or do you need social workers to agree first?

What would you change about the fostering process? Is this something that is specific to your LA or it is a nationwide issue?