I’m an (adult) adoptee - ask me anything

[Iris1600]

Not sure if this thread is interesting or helpful but happy to answer question if so.

oh wow, please tell us as much as you can!

Did you match with any relatives on DNA ancestry?

Wtf OP!? You can't leave us hanging like that!!!!

I realise I can’t really leave it like this so will carry on tomorrow

Im up. Im on the bus.

Looking forward to update.

One adoptee told me that his bond with his brother was stronger than bio brothers because they shared the experience of being adopted. Do you feel you can talk to your brother, or does it seem like a slightly disloyal elephant in the room?

I logged into my AncestryDNA account in May 2018 and couldn’t believe that 170 4th cousins or closer were listed! My top match, who Ancestry estimated to be a second cousin, even had a photo! I dissolved into tears as this was the first birth relative I had ever seen. It was very emotional indeed. I couldn’t tell though whether the relatives listed were related to me on my birth mother or father’s side. None of the names were familiar. I decided to send a message to this top match (D) just saying I was interested to work out how we were related. I didn’t mention adoption as I was worried about scaring her off. Well I got a reply! D was an elderly lady living in Canada! By this time I had realised she had a small family tree on her account and her mother’s maiden name was the surname of my birth mother!!

@Iris1600 oh wow this is so amazing....was she your auntie?
What happened next? You could write a book, I'm hooked to know more!

More more more!!!

@Iris1600

I logged into my AncestryDNA account in May 2018 and couldn’t believe that 170 4th cousins or closer were listed! My top match, who Ancestry estimated to be a second cousin, even had a photo! I dissolved into tears as this was the first birth relative I had ever seen. It was very emotional indeed. I couldn’t tell though whether the relatives listed were related to me on my birth mother or father’s side. None of the names were familiar. I decided to send a message to this top match (D) just saying I was interested to work out how we were related. I didn’t mention adoption as I was worried about scaring her off. Well I got a reply! D was an elderly lady living in Canada! By this time I had realised she had a small family tree on her account and her mother’s maiden name was the surname of my birth mother!!

And theeeeeennnnn??

So the Canadian lady was your (half) sister?!

No she wasn’t my auntie or half sister - we share 234cM of DNA which put her in the range of a second cousin. It actually turned out that she is my first cousin twice removed - her grandfather was my great great grandfather! I had to tell I was adopted and I waited very anxiously for a reply and luckily she was and is amazing! We have been emailing each other now every week for 2 1/2 years. Last year I flew out to Newfoundland to meet her (thankfully it wasn’t this year!) and was welcomed by her whole family! She has a very big family and now they are my family too! There was an amazing party to welcome me and lots of walks, meals and even whale watching. It was the most fantastic few days imaginable!

Now that I knew I had a DNA match to my birth mother I was able to look at shared matches and work out which of them were related to her paternal side as they matched D too. Her mother’s side was still a mystery. There was one match in Australia, A, who I felt was more likely to be related to me on my paternal side. I contacted her and she was much younger than me. Ancestry guessed she was a third cousin. I didn’t know if I was related to her through her mother or father . She put me in touch with her mother, S, who was lovely but had no idea how we might be related. I really hoped that one day I would be able to work it out. Her father had emigrated to Australia from Kent. She had been over to visit England and Kent the previous year but hadn’t managed to track down any family members.

Wow that is amazing :-)

Meanwhile I had built out D’s family tree and managed to identify my birth mother! I contacted her and finally heard back. This was November 2018. We corresponded a bit but she didn’t seem keen to meet up unfortunately. She had other children who didn’t know about me. But she did tell me my birth father’s name and where he was from. They had met at university but had been split up by their parents. His surname was the same as A in Australia’s grandmother! It didn’t take me too long to build out the tree and identify my birth father!

Did you get to make contact and meet your birth father? Sad to hear your birth mother wasn't keen to meet up - did that change? Are you still in contact? Did she eventually tel her other children? Hope so, they are your half siblings, be great to have a relationship with them

I waited about 6 months before contacting my birth father as I had found the reaction of my birth mother quite difficult, although I of course understood her reasons. The contact was again made via the intermediary. This time I had a quick response! We soon started emailing and then moved on to WhatsApp and we finally met in September 2019! I have been welcomed into his family and am on very good terms with them all which is amazing!
I kept in touch with my birth mother via email every few months and finally met her in October this year!! We had an amazing time together and are now having a weekly phone call. I am hopeful that she will tell her other children about me soon as I would love to be in touch with them too.
There are some more amazing connections but I’m afraid I can’t talk about them in much detail yet! So happy to have found my biological family and I know my parents would be absolutely delighted too!

I should have also said that I’m incredibly happy to have this chance to get to know my birth mother now too. I never gave up hoping and my patience seems to have finally paid off

So so pleased to read there was a good result and relationships are building with both your biological parents. Hope too your birth mother tells your siblings soon, it must be playing on her mind to be keeping such a big secret. Did you have siblings on your birth father's side?
Do you live anywhere near either your birth parents?

Thank you. My BF and his wife adopted a baby so I have an adopted half sister . I live about 3 hours away from my BF and 1.5 hours from BM.

How lovely your BF adopted. Did he know you existed? Did you birth parents have to break up before he knew?

He did know that my BM was pregnant but they were split up before he found out. He didn’t know I was a girl though. Both sets of parents intercepted their letters 😰

Have tears in my eyes now 🍷

How do you feel having met them? Is it not really strange suddenly acquiring a whole new family? Do you feel any responsibility for your birth parents?
I am also adopted, and like you, from birth. I've not traced, although I've thought about it often. Guilt has always stopped me. Guilt that I'm disrupting her life, guilt that I'm not sure what I could give her, guilt that I may not want to sustain a relationship with her. I also feel guilty that she doesn't know my life all turned out OK.

I feel really happy now with how it’s all turned out. I think I probably did disrupt my BM’s life unfortunately, but she seems happy about it now I think. She phoned me tonight for the first time which was really lovely. It’s difficult to imagine having a relationship with birth parents until it actually happens. I think originally I was curious and didn’t really expect a relationship to develop but as things went on I realised I really did want that. I feel all of our lives have been enriched really. I have also developed a fantastic relationship with my paternal aunt. I feel very fortunate.

Thank you for sharing your life with everyone here. I'm glad that you had a good childhood and have also now managed to have a relationship with your birth family.
Some adopted adults say that being adopted defines them, that that is who/what they are. Do you feel like this? (I realise this is rather a nebulous question).