I was adopted from a Russian orphanage in the 1990’s- ask me anything

[FineWithWine]

Just that. Born in 1995 and adopted in 1997 at the age of 25 months. Ask me anything!

Hi FineWithWine, I hope you had a happy childhood.

Did you learn the language? Would you / have you done DNA testing? How would you handle meeting relatives?

Where do you live now? Have you been back to Russia at all or have any interest in doing so?

Do other people ever think you "look" Russian or foreign to the country you live in now?

When did your parents tell you you were adopted? How did you feel about it then? How do you feel about it now?

Hi op this is an interesting subject.

How do you feel about jk rowlings charity lumos which is against what is essentially orphanage tourism by people going to foreign orphanages to help out (essentially making life much worse there.)

Hi FineWithWine, I hope your adoption worked out well for you.

I went to Romania to adopt in 1992; by the time I got there the initial "adopt from an orphanage" was pretty much over, and the "adoptions" were actually purchasing babies from very dodgy dealers . I refused and went home, but spent many years wondering whether adopting , even with dodgy paperwork, would have been better for the babies than refusal.

I have become very cynical about foreign adoption. Do you think that current law about overseas adoption is ok, or is it too restrictive?

@RollerCoasterProteinSpill- I haven’t learnt Russian and when I was adopted I could only speak 2 words apparently. I don’t think there was much interaction in my orphanage so I kind of learnt English as a first language to speak but I could understand and would respond to Russian. Now I don’t speak or understand any Russian but wish I could! I would love to learn the language.

I haven’t done DNA testing but would like to, particularly for genetic illnesses that I am not aware of. It’s something I’m building up the courage to do and need to start genetic counselling.

I have a curiosity to meet my birth mum- I’m not too fussed about meeting my birth dad but there is a part of me that would like to meet my mum. What stops me is 1) the challenge of finding her feels overwhelming in a place like Russia 2) she may not want to know me- I was told she was very young when I was born so I worry she may have married and started a new life so won’t want a skeleton out of the closet 3) I worry about it being awkward if we met and I feel almost like I would be betraying my adoptive parents. Not particularly interested in any other Russian family, only my birth mum

@NoMoreMrNiceGaius I live in the U.K., I was adopted by a British couple and have grown up here. I haven’t been back to Russia- I was very lucky as I travelled a lot in my childhood and have worked abroad as an adult but there is a part of me that always steps back from any Russia trips. It sounds silly but I think I would look for my birth mum in every crowd.

Yes, all the time! I’m very tall and I think typically Eastern European looking. I work in healthcare and often at work Russian speaking patients will start talking to me in Russian! Other people sometimes ask ‘are you completely British?’ And then it depends on how I feel they will react as to whether I disclose that I’m adopted. Most people can tell I’m ‘other’.

My parents told me when I was 6 years old. I asked to see photo’s of my mum when I was in her tummy and they told me I didn’t grow in her tummy but in another lady’s who was too young to look after me and couldn’t give me what I needed. I was very accepting of it at the time and grateful I didn’t have to live somewhere without my toys and playroom! Materially I was quite spoilt as a child. Now I feel grateful I was adopted because the outcomes from Russian orphanages are so poor and there’s no way I would have the life I have now. However, I also feel sad that I wasn’t loved as a baby and I sometimes doubt the story of my mum being too young. As I’ve grown older I have felt more like an outsider

@Shaniac I wasn’t aware of lumos as an organisation so just had a quick google! I think it’s difficult- I was too young to remember my time in the orphanage but I know they aren’t great environments for children and my own delayed development was evidence of this. Foreign volunteers can definitely place children at risk (Thailand comes to mind) and open to abuse, I can also see the point that some volunteer to help their own ego rather than the children. However, if a fun and energetic volunteer with now toys from a wealthy country cheers up the orphanage for a while then I think this is a good thing.
They may interact more with the children and give more time than locals who are employed. It’s not sustainable to rely on volunteers but if learning a few words of English brightens up a child’s day then I don’t see the harm. Having looked more at the website I can see she argues at treating the reason for family separation- which in many cases is great. But I’m some cases, such as mine, if a woman really does give away a baby because she feels she is too young then orphanages still need to exist. No amount of money or education can force a woman to mother a child she doesn’t want. So maybe a well intentioned organisation but in some cases an orphanage seems inevitable

Interesting thread, thanks for starting it, OP.

I've heard that children who are adopted and brought up in another country can have a difficult time in adolescence as they start to question who they are.

Did this happen to you?

Also, have you ever sought out other adoptees from Russia?

@RandomNameForRandomThreads My adoption definitely worked out better than the alternative, I am pleased my parents adopted me. I perhaps haven’t achieved as much as I should have on paper given the opportunities created for me by my adoptive parents- I had a very expensive private education but wasted it and work as a nurse (my school friends are in the City in finance, training to be barristers etc). However, I had a better childhood than I ever would have had and all mistakes are my own really!

I’m sorry to hear about your experience in Romania, that sounds awful. I can see why you wonder this- I can see the point (having been the baby) that if you would have given a loving home to that child then it would be better for the individual child even with the dodgy paperwork than not being adopted. However, supply and demand means this risks the next baby being ‘adopted’ into an unchecked home that may not be safe and loving... its difficult and I think you need to trust you did what you felt was right at the time.

Overall I am in favour of foreign adoption, I cannot imagine how my life would be if I had grown up in the orphanage and was still in Russia.
I think the U.K. law is ok- Cambodia, Nepal, Haiti and I think a few others are on the restricted list for good reasons. Namely financial profit and failing to give clear evidence of the child’s ‘need’ to be adopted. This seems like a fair enough safeguarding effort but it seems like a shame for the children left in the system when they could grow up in loving homes elsewhere in the world. I think the process of adopting from abroad should be faster- it can take a very long time and people forget this is time the child is suffering and falling behind on mile stones. Also, I am aware that I am white like my adoptive parents- I think inter race adoption is far more complex and not something I could Comment on. I was adopted by a white woman to be my mum and have grown up/been socialised as a white woman. I think inter race adoption has far more complexities than just inter country, as a child nobody questioned me as not being my parent’s child (even though I do look Russian and my adoptive parents don’t!). I would probably feel different if I was a different race to them.

I hope my replies make sense, I can’t sleep after finishing my nightshifts!

@GammyLeg yes, this certainly happened to me and even now, at the age of 25, I feel it sometimes but far less often and with less intensity. I felt like an outsider and like I wasn’t good enough. I think part of the issue was I’m not particularly academic (both of my adoptive parents are very high flying professionals) and It felt like I was constantly disappointing them. I felt they had given me so much and my life was so different to what I was born into but I was wasting opportunities because I felt I didn’t fit in/deserve them. I had huge self esteem issues and developed body dysmorphia regarding my appearance, to this day I’ve never had a ‘real’ committed monogamous relationship. In fact I’ve been dumped due to my low self esteem! It’s a very difficult feeling- my parents love me and give me the world but as a teenager I felt like a burden to them and like I didn’t belong. I felt an intense envy of friends who had photos of their mums pregnant etc when I knew I would never have that with my adoptive mum. I’ve also never seen a photo of my birth mum which probably didn’t help. I would say I only started to accept things more when I turned 22 and worked abroad after university. Now I accept that I’m Wine from
The U.K. and British but with special tie to Russia that I can share with those whom I trust. In my experience it tends to be men I date who react badly to me being adopted.

I have considered finding other adoptees From Russia! I would like to discuss our shared experiences and maybe hear if they have ever met/found their birth mum. It’s something I’m building up to along with the genetic testing

My dd (adopted in my home country) is also nursing, and I think her experience of being adopted has helped her empathy and understanding of some of her patients, so don't ever think that a caring profession, or nursing, is lesser than a money-making career in finance. I am very proud of my dd as I'm sure your parents are of you!

My qualms about foreign adoption aren't about the individual - there are loads of positive adoption stories - more about the general possibility of exploitation of poor societies by the rich, which has happened in some countries.

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you experienced, and the pressure you felt to succeed. It's an interesting point you made about feeling an added expectation to make use of what you had been given.

But being a nurse is an incredible career and a very valuable and necessary role. You sound articulate and intelligent, I hope your parents are proud of you.

Also - that's shit about men having a problem with you being adopted! I'm pretty shocked about that.

@RandomNameForRandomThreads of course, and I can see adoption is very classist in many ways of who is the ‘acceptable’ parent. Rich family from abroad with large house and 5 holidays a year= worthy of the baby over 16 year old girl Who gave birth but who has never left her hometown and lives with 3 generations in one flat.

It concerns me that some women may be deceived into handing over their children and told they will return only for foreign agencies to profit from essentially selling the children to orphanages. Sometimes I consider if my birth mum really felt she was too young or if there was more at play in the situation. She may not even have been young, it’s not like I’ve seen her birth certificate to 100% know her age!
I can see that adoption enforces classism on some level and the idea of a nuclear family perhaps. It’s very difficult as I do not agree with ‘buying’ bodies- that’s includes the sex trade so the idea of money swaying who has the right to a baby seems abhorrent. However, i find it hard to view this objectively and cannot desperate the personal from the political here. I suppose overall I am in favour of foreign adoption because of my personal experience but I can understand why other disagree with it as an institution. I just know I’m glad to not be the little girl in an orphanage deep in Russia.

You write so eloquently about your experience. Thank you for starting this thread.

Please don't discount yourself for being a nurse. That's a difficult and wonderful profession!

How is your relationship with your parents now? Do you have siblings? I'm sorry if you've answered these already and I missed it.

Is there no domestic adoption in Russia, @FineWithWine?

The other thing I wanted to ask, but I think you’ve already implicitly answered it, was whether there’s a UK-based organisation for Russian adoptees and/or their parents. A friend living in Ireland adopted her now-adult daughter from China, and there’s a strong Irish set of local and national networks that focused on advice, support and giving the girls some contact with their culture of origin, language lessons, celebrating Chinese festivals etc.

@Greyblueeyes I have an older sister (3 years older) and a younger sister too (9 years younger), both were also adopted from Russia. I am similar in appearance to my older sister and we pass as biological sisters.
My relationship with my parents is very good now. Up until very recently, I lived with them whenever I returned home from working abroad. They gave me the deposit to buy my own place and I see them weekly as well as speaking on the phone everyday. They are very supportive and in many ways still baby me I suppose! Even during the worst of my teenage years, they were always very reassuring and I think it made them sad to see how I felt about myself. However, I’m not sure how they would react if I ever were to meet my birth mum. I think they would be hurt and worried, I’ve never discussed it with them.

@Ilen domestic adoption exists in Russia but it is very very rare, mainly due to red tape and stigma. It’s a very long process and prospective parents have to attend twice weekly classes where they are taught the psychological challenges of adoption- thus a lot pull out of the process as they feel it’s too much and no longer something they want to be involved in. Foetal Alcohol syndrome is a huge issue in Russia and a lot of people are worried about adopting a child who will have health issues (the orphanages aren’t always honest). A lot of Russians are scared too because they say the children have delayed development, but that’s because they do not receive the attention and care of other children! I could only
say 2 words and was still wearing nappies at 25 months when I was adopted- My DM said all of her friends had chattering toddlers who were potty trained by that age.

I’ve never heard of such an organisation for Russian adoptees. It sounds fantastic though and I’m sure it’s very beneficial to many of its members! Im sure there is a need for it too. I know during the 1990’s most adoptions were to Americans but there’s still a good few of us in the U.K. I’m sure.

@GammyLeg yep, I’m not really sure why men have such an issue with me being adopted. One guy said it was because he wondered if I would be able to have a stable family myself and it ‘made sense’ why I hated my appearance.... I can understand it as a concern from a health perspective if having DC (as I do not know any of my genetic history, hence why I would like to be tested for genetic conditions such as Huntingdon’s etc) but not otherwise! My adoptive parents are the most stable people anybody could meet.

Point of information - domestic adoption was in indeed available In Russia when the Op was adopted. Before children could be adopted overseas they have to be on a local register for several months and then a national register, to encourage local adoption.

The authorities recognise its best for the children to stay in country where possible. They only go to overseas family when it clear they can’t find a Russian family.

The families have to go through all the legal checks in their own county first.

As the Pp said, foetal alcohol condition is a cause of serious disabilities and it’s hard to diagnose in young Children and babies. It’s not that the orphanages lie - more that they don’t have all The facts. Just like in Uk adoptions.

There were plenty white healthy new born babies available in the 1990s , so Russian ( like Uk families ) prefer to adopt them rather than a 2 year old with significant developmental delays. If the Ops parents had not adopted her she would have had a childhood in an orphanage and a ( probably ) short lifetime on the streets.

Those of you reading this thread should not judge Russian families or the welfare authorities. Unless of course you have adopted a child here with probable or known disabilities.

Neither should you jjst her young single mother in a country where there’s not the same welfare support as here.

It’s easy to demonise people from another culture when in fact they are families just like you and your neighbours.

Op - A copy of your birth mums birth certificate or her passport Would have been In the court papers for your Russian adoption. Your parents might have a copy or it might have been submitted to the Uk courts when you were adopted here.

Thanks for the reply op very insightful

Fascinating thread OP. Thank you for starting it, and being so open.

You mentioned developmental issues upthread. Aside from your lack of language and toilet training, did you have any other developmental delays? If so, do they impact you now?

How old were you when you were placed in the orphanage?

You mentioned your sisters. Were you adopted at the same time as your older sister? Do you remember much about your younger sisters adoption? Do the three of you discuss it much?

Thank you.

Such an interesting thread OP, thank you.

Do you have any advice for parents of adopted children. especially for the teenage years? Anything that you thought helped or didn't help?

Did your parents try to keep your Russian heritage alive for you, e.g. language, learning about Russian culture etc? If not, would you have liked them to?

Having gone through it yourself would you consider adopting from abroad if you were unable to conceive.

I'm also shocked at the negativity you get from some men. Have any of them gone into more detail about what bothers them about your being adopted. Would they feel the same about domestic adopted people?

Have you ever considered doing Ancestry DNA?

Thank you for sharing your experience, OP. You write so well.

I'm so pleased you were adopted by such a wonderful family. As others have said, you should be proud to be a nurse. My best friend is a nurse and I always tell her that there's no job that I admire more. Honestly.

If you couldn't have your own biological children, would you adopt from abroad? Would you adopt from Russia?