Adopted my step-children AMA

[papounet]

I adopted my then step-children in 2018 in England. There was frustratingly little up to date information available online, so happy to answer anything.

How long did it take from start to finish?
Was it fairly straight forward once you got the process started?

Oh and how much did it cost?

How long did it take from start to finish?
It took us just under year from making first tentative enquiry to the adoption orders being granted. About the first four months of this was us all asking and thinking and being certain it was the right thing for the children. From applying it took 7 months - some things were fairly straightforward in our particular situation which sped up the assessment period. Also our eldest daughter was sixteen when we applied and everyone was well motivated to make sure there were no delays risking it getting close to her eighteenth birthday.

Is their other birth parent dead, unknown, off the scene, or just accommodating?

What do your own parents make of it?

Was it fairly straight forward once you got the process started?

Yes. The social worker we were assigned was efficient and helpful. She thought it would be quick as our children didn't have another parent who needed to be consulted (as my wife was widowed), which she said is the aspect that can often take the longest.

Oh and how much did it cost?
We spent about a thousand pounds, but some of this was on some early legal consultation which we later realised we didn't actually need, and some was on a big party!

Is their other birth parent dead, unknown, off the scene, or just accommodating?
My children's late father passed away several years before my wife and I met. (So in our case, unlike most adoption scenarios, he's not their "birth father" but their much loved and much missed daddy.) From what we gathered from the social worker, this is relatively unusual even in step-adoptions and most often the other parent is known but completely estranged.

What do your own parents make of it?
By the time we made the decision about going for adoption, we knew my parents loved the children and viewed them like grandchildren. (It helps that there was a previous adoption in the wider family.) So they were delighted.
It wasn't smooth sailing in the very early days though - when I told them I was in love with a woman with three children they tried to talk me out of it. But as soon as they met her they understood.

What have you done with surnames?
(I could imagine the eldest especially might not have wanted to change her surname from her Daddy's)

Was the assessment just checking the children were OK with it, or was there other stuff too? I know from personal experience how in depth adoption assessments usually are, but I presume they are very different for step parents.

Do social services consider the late parent’s attitude to the idea of their children being adopted?

How old were the children? Did you give them a say in it?

What have you done with surnames?
It was probably the trickiest part of all this TBH! Much discussion along the way, and consideration of various scenarios up to and including whether I should take their surname. One thing that was never on the table was them losing their daddy's surname. There was a lot he couldn't give them because his life ended too young - but that was something of his that they had and everyone could see they needed to keep it.
Initially everyone kept the surnames they'd had before the adoption.
Now the older DC, my wife, and our younger (biological) child all share the same two surnames. I have just one of those surnames.

My husband adopted my two girls. Their father is still alive and he relinquished all rights.
It took a while but was worth it. I t was a long time ago but I remember going to the courts and seeing the judge in his chambers. He asked my girls if they wanted to be adopted then dropped the bombshell that they could change their names if they wanted at that moment... I gave them one of my 'don't you dare' looks.
As I said it was many many years ago but we were interviewed quite a lot and friends were too.
Congratulations OP

Congratulations on making it official!
Do you as parents/the children get post adoption support in the same way as care experienced children?

@Weekends

Congratulations on making it official! Do you as parents/the children get post adoption support in the same way as care experienced children?

We didn't get any follow up...

Was the assessment just checking the children were OK with it, or was there other stuff too? I know from personal experience how in depth adoption assessments usually are, but I presume they are very different for step parents.

It doesn't go to panel like other adoptions, but aside from that the process is similar, AFAIK. The social worker prepared an extensive report for the court that went far beyond checking the children were okay with it. My wife was concerned by this - thought she'd find it upsetting to feel assessed - but actually the social worker handled this aspect well and reassured her often.

Do social services consider the late parent’s attitude to the idea of their children being adopted?
I don't know if this is an official part of the things the court wants them to report on in every such case. In ours it came up because my wife and her first husband discussed the future during his illness. Our social worker talked to his wider family during the process, but we already knew they were supportive and I think it might have been my wife who suggested this.

If they were your step children, why did you need/want to adopt them. Are they your wife's children? Does it benefit children for forms, will etc? Would you still live with them if you hadn't adopted?

How old were the children? Did you give them a say in it?

16, 14 and 11. And of course. The 14 year old first brought up adoption, and they were in charge every step of the way. At their ages the court would never have agreed unless they were enthusiastic, but even if that weren't the case I'd have never wanted to adopt them, much as I love them, if it weren't right for each of them.

Thanks @InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud, and congratulations to your husband too.

Thanks @Weekends. It's the best thing I've ever done.
Do you as parents/the children get post adoption support in the same way as care experienced children?

No.

If they were your step children, why did you need/want to adopt them.
Many reasons, but coming down to loving them as my own and wanting to offer them all the reassurance of that being a legal bond as well as as emotional one.
Having experienced bereavement, they had fears about what would happen to them if their mum died too. Making it official helped them a lot with these.

Are they your wife's children?
Yes.

Does it benefit children for forms, will etc?
I'd already left my money to them in my will, when I married their mother.
It does help with forms, because it gave me parental responsibility, so I could then sign medical consents etc.
However, I could have applied for parental responsibility without adopting them, and that's what we explored first. But they were very keen for adoption to happen (as was I once I heard they wanted that!)

Would you still live with them if you hadn't adopted?
I was already living with them as I'd married their mother before we applied for adoption. In order to apply the "step-parent" doesn't have to be married to the parent (though it apparently makes it simpler if they are) but does have to have been living with them for a certain amount of time - IIRC it's at least 6 months.

What made you agree to it? Do you have any biological children or want to have them?

I think it's so lovely. Your wife is lucky to have found you. My friend also adopted her widowed partners children as they were terrified of anything happening to their dad as they had lost their mum.

Have you got a single brother? 😉

Thanks for answering my question. You sound like a thoughtful dad.
Did you find all the emotions hard to cope with? Things like, there must have been lots of conversations with SW and in Court about their dad?
Did your DW struggle with the emotions too? It can’t have been an easy process but the stability you’ve got as a family now sounds worth it.