Adopted my step-children AMA

[papounet]

I adopted my then step-children in 2018 in England. There was frustratingly little up to date information available online, so happy to answer anything.

Thank you for answering my question OP
I have a relative who adopted his wife's child when he was 10/11. He had wanted to do it sooner but wanted it to be the child's choice. The summer before the boy started secondary school was the most logical time for them, he started a new school with a new name and no one asked questions.

30 years later it was the best thing and really confirmed to the boy that his dad loved him as much as he did his bio children.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that i think it's wonderful

What made you agree to it?
It was easy to agree to, once we were sure it was the right thing for them, because I already loved them and was helping to raise them.

Do you have any biological children or want to have them?

I didn't, and had never dated a woman with children before.
We now have a younger child who is biologically ours. Like most parents who have had children by both biological and adoptive routes, I can honestly say that I love all my children equally and the shared biology doesn't cause a stronger bond.

I think it's so lovely. Your wife is lucky to have found you. My friend also adopted her widowed partners children as they were terrified of anything happening to their dad as they had lost their mum.

Thank you. It's me who got lucky.
I hope your friend and her family are doing well.

Have you got a single brother?

It's impossible to keep track of whether my brother is single or not, which tells you all you need to know...

Did you find all the emotions hard to cope with?Things like, there must have been lots of conversations with SW and in Court about their dad?

My wife and our older children habitually talk about him, as they should, so nothing that needed to be discussed for the adoption was new or difficult. Early on, way before the adoptions, I realised that I couldn't make her or the children as happy as they'd made me unless I made peace with them loving and missing the man who had loved them so much.

It sounds trite, but I've got a lot to thank him for. I wouldn't have three beautiful talented and loving children if it weren't for all he gave them in terms of both biology and fatherhood.

“It wasn't smooth sailing in the very early days though - when I told them I was in love with a woman with three children they tried to talk me out of it.”

OP how did they get from “bad idea!!” to “new grandchildren!!”? Asking as a step parent with non supportive parents!

That's really interesting and good to know. I was confused at first as I know a couple of friends growing up with step dads they liked well and I'd never even considered them being adopted by them. I can see the emotional reasoning. Going through all the process really shows you care.

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander Thanks. Nice to hear about an outcome from similar situation 30 years on.

OP how did they get from “bad idea!!” to “new grandchildren!!”?

Ha. Well their initial shock was partly my fault. I'd told them in the past that I don't want to get involved with a woman with children. The folly of youth!
My wife is extraordinary and when they saw how happy I am with her (and later the children) in my life I suppose it all fell into place.

Thanks @Bramblecrumble

What did they call you before you adopted them and did that change after? And do they refer to you as dad or step dad or adoptive dad?

Sorry I missed that there was a further question.

The kids called me my first name until their little sibling was born and then started calling me a version of dad. Different to Dad/Daddy since they already have one of those. Not sure what they use when I'm not around.