My Dad is dying and I don't care AMA

[MummyKnipe]

All my life I've been let down by him, he didn't care about me or my brother growing up. He always put himself, and the other women he was cheating first.

Genuine question I promise, if you don’t care why are you posting about it?

I need to get it off my chest..

I am the same. Mine is alcoholic and beer has always come before me. He now has lung cancer spread to his spine. Have no sympathy. Are you no contact?

I get that. I was just curious. Do you think that whilst you may not care about him dying, you are still mourning the loss of the relationship there could’ve been?

I’ve been going through some pyschotherapy due to my own loss and it’s made me think about things...

I felt the same way about my Grandad, my mum's father.
He was an awful man and gave my mum a very abusive childhood as well as the other 2, one having bad SEN.
I felt no sadness when he died.
On the other side of my family, I had a lovely Grandma who was very maternal and loving.
I never much mourned for my aforementioned Granddad.
However, my mum sadly copied much of his behaviour and she mistreated me in the same way gahhhh

When my alcoholic parent died I didn't grieve- I simply felt relief. I had already done my grieving over years and years at not having a fit parent, at all the trouble and after every crisis. I was done long before she was.

Yep, totally get this. Why should you care about someone who didn't give a fuck about you all their life.

I am so very sorry you didn’t get the dad every child should have had .

@Fairenuff

Yep, totally get this. Why should you care about someone who didn't give a fuck about you all their life.

This.

I feel similar, mine is in hospital and I just don't care after he has shown no interest in me my whole life. I don't feel I could say this in real life for fear of being judged.

Will you please give yourself some leeway for emotions to set in after he passes? Don't get angry at yourself for feeling something instead of nothing?

That's my question to you. My dad broke my heart before he left, and I truly believed I hated him so much that I wouldn't give a crap if he died. He died two years later when I was a teenager, and it hurt like hell, not just because your brain forces you to remember 'all the good times', but because with him went any opportunity for me to hear that he actually cared about me. Despite how he treated all of us, he was a constant being in my life, I never questioned that he was 'somewhere'. The death of a parent really doesn't affect people in ways they'd expect.

I’m in the same boat. My dad dropped contact with me intermittently throughout my life, usually when a new woman was involved. I had NC with him for 5 years..then he pops up to tell me he has cancer and that he had no one to rely on as his other child is too young and his latest wife has her own (MH) issues. I told him I was sorry to hear of his troubles, called him out on a positively biblical litany of lies and needless to say he disappeared as if by magic. Again. Because he’s a coward, a liar and a fantasist so I’m not even sure if he HAS got cancer. Either way it was 2 years ago so I don’t even know if he’s still alive. Either way it’s not my business and I’m not sorry to say I don’t really care.

Interesting post . I'm no contact with my parents and often think about this . I think as much as i try to be tough I will cry buckets for the parents they were not . I think I will cry as the little girl who needed them but they didn't care and never have :(

When I had broken fingers broken by a paranoid schizophrenic, he was too busy cheating on my mum.
He was there but not there does make sense.
I had a minor stroke at 22, I asked him please come and visit me. I needed him. He said I would babe, but I don't know the way.
He used to say we're good at things but.. Killed it with a negative thing.
Mum says he was always jealous of us and we got more attention than him.
He hasn't been/bothered to make contact since 2011
When my Nanny (my Mum's Mum) was diagnosed with cancer, he didn't once asked about me or my brother, he didn't tell his new wife he has kids. My Nanny butted in and told him she has told cancer too.

Am I exaggerating or does anyone else get this?

Are you responsible for any of the funeral costs?

Are there any expectations on you to take on any responsibility for his care etc?

How does that make you feel?

You get out of life what you put in, he put no effort into being loving towards you so unfortunately for him now it is being mirrored back, it is not unusual to not feel broken hearted in this situation.

I hear you op.
People say but that’s your mother or father’, you’ll regret it.
I’ve spent a lot of time in my life doing what the social norms are out of duty at great cost to myself personally. I don’t do that anymore.
I’ve already informed my dc that I won’t be attending the funeral of my parents and that when the time comes please do not talk to me about duty and regret. I will do what I want regardless of how society views it or what others may say.

I have no idea if I'm going responsible for funeral costs. But he hasn't been interested. I don't know if he knows I'm married or he has a grandchild/multi grandchildren.

They say you can't cry/grieve for something you never had. But he was in my life and I need answers but I never think I'll get straight answers.

I’ve been dealing with similar with my mum for the past few months. It’s so confusing, I’m struggling to work through it.

She caused so much pain in my life, both physical and emotional, and I no doubt have long lasting issues because of her. She left and my dad raised me but had his own issues, he committed suicide and on that very day she decided to cut contact with me because I wouldn’t drive the 2 hour round trip from the hospital to her house to deliver her some cigarettes (seriously).

That was 10 years ago. Since then I felt more peace than I ever had. I worked things through and almost forgot about her, we never spoke again and I felt much better for it.

Then I got word that she had died. I was numb for a few weeks and have been confused since. I didn’t go to the funeral, I don’t even know if she had one.

Some people expected me to mourn her, others made light of the situation because she had been so awful to me and others that they were glad she’d died.

I don’t know how I feel. Whenever I’m upset, it’s for something I never had. It just feels like a waste. A waste of a parent, a childhood, a waste of emotions and time. And like you OP I wanted answers but that will never happen.

I know when I became a mummy, I promised I would never become him. But sometimes I can hear his voice in my head, saying all emotional blackmail he said when I was growing

My father - a distant, repressed Victorian man - died when I was 14. I grieved for the father I never had once I got to my 20s. It can certainly mess with your head.

Has anyone here had therapy to help with this and if so how did it help you ? The reason I ask is that I'm thinking about dealing with the hurt but not sure how it can help

Molly333
It came up in some counselling I had in my 40s. I didn't go along with the 'if only you'd got on with your father your whole life would have been better' angle but it did make me address it in private and I consciously laid it to rest. Not forgiven but dealt with and forgotten. Some people have such awful childhoods and make a success of their lives - I'm thinking in particular of Tony Pidgley of Berkeley Homes who died in June and had a miserable childhood. I hope the op can get her head round it all and find peace.

@MummyKnipe I don't mean this to sound trite because what you have been through is seriously traumatic. However for your own mental benefit, have you thought of going and forgiving your dad? For the sake of closure and releasing him.
This does not mean that what happened in the past was acceptable or ok but you also stop grieving for the past you never had.
I remember someone I heard speak once said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill the other person.
There is a lot out there on forgiveness and Oprah Winfrey has a lot on YouTube about what she had to forgive her mother for.
Take care.

I get you.

It’s bewildering to feel like that, but don’t feel guilty, it isn’t your fault. You were a child an he should have been there for you. I felt exactly the same when my mum died, I never felt loved by her, she left when I was 4 and never ever explained why but expected me to behave like a daughter when she never acted like a mother.
I’ve had counselling and it’s helped enormously. Try it one day if you can.

Molly yes I’ve had therapy. I managed to stop feeling angry towards my mum and that has made my life much happier.