My Dad is dying and I don't care AMA

[MummyKnipe]

All my life I've been let down by him, he didn't care about me or my brother growing up. He always put himself, and the other women he was cheating first.

I don't hate my Dad in anyway in shape or form. I just don't agree with the decisions he has had.
My Granddad had a terrible childhood, but he made his own footsteps.
My Dad says he had "terrible" childhood but my Nanny used to say otherwise, she would say he would lie on the bible.
I only knew my Nanny, Dad & Dad's ex wife (and their children) but no one from my Dad's side. "Apparently" everyone was either dead or still in Jamaica. He wouldn't tell us stories about Jamaica.
I just don't understand why he has made the decisions he has.
Wasn't we good enough for him? Didn't he want us?

@MummyKnipe did your dad grow up in Jamaica?

@MummyKnipe

If you are in the UK, you absolutely do not have any responsibility for funeral costs unless you want to pay for it. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. It is your decision to make. If no one else wants to pay for a funeral the state will cremate/ bury him.

You were and are good enough, stuff him.

My dad blamed his mum for not being able to be a dad, my nan, who was also twisted blamed her mum. I blame no one. When I mess up it's down to me to fix it.

I see my dad as a shadow, a walking person who died years ago, just pretend. I often forget he's alive. He lives in his head and hasn't been reachable for years. Sometimes I remember him laughing, and want just a 10 minute conversation with him, when he was having a semi- normal phase.

When he dies I can grieve the little bit of him that had been ok.

Who our dads are is not our fault, and does mean we are wrong, and not caring can actually be the best preservation and resilience you can have.

I understand, when my abusive dad was ill and dying I had a whole range of emotions but none were sadness that he was dying.

It sounds like his illness is affecting you by making you think about the past, is there any chance you can have some counselling to help you come to terms with the way he has treated you?

You were and are good enough and deserved better. All the flaws in his parenting are due to him and not you.