I conceived my DC using a sperm donor. AMA

[SapphosRock]

Happy to answer any questions for others looking to go down this route or if anyone is just nosy.

Why did you go down this route?

Are you single parenting or is there a dp involved?

If there’s a dp how do they feel about it? (Assuming dp is a bloke).

Why did you go down this route?

My wife and I are both women and decided this was the way we wanted to have a family.

Are you single parenting or is there a dp involved?

There is a DP involved as above. I am the birth mother though - one DC is 4 and one due any day.

How did you choose who would be the 'birth' mother?

Do you have a closer bond than your DW?

Will your DW become 'birth mother' to subsequent DC?

Are you 'Mum & Mum' ?

If you split up, do you think youd do 50/50 custody, or do you feel as the birth mum you'd want more time? Is this something you discussed before going ahead?

Will the child have any legal rights to know who their bio father is at sone point?

Did you go through 'official' route or unofficial? As in through a clinic or someone you found on the internet/a friend

How did you choose who would be the 'birth' mother?

I am younger so it made sense and also my wife had zero desire to be pregnant.

Do you have a closer bond than your DW?

Not at all. DW took a year off work to care for DD while I worked full time so they developed a very strong bond. DD and I are close but often if she hurts herself or feels poorly she wants her other mum.

Will your DW become 'birth mother' to subsequent DC?

No, we have decided two is enough.

Are you 'Mum & Mum' ?

I am Mummy and DD made up a name for my DW when she was little which has stuck.
Sometimes she calls out 'Mummies! I need one of you' or she will call me 'Mummy with the baby in her tummy'

My sister is gay and wants a baby but she doesn't know where to begin. Where are the best places to find donors and how much is the cost? Thanks

If you split up, do you think youd do 50/50 custody, or do you feel as the birth mum you'd want more time? Is this something you discussed before going ahead?

Yes we discussed it and it would absolutely be 50/50. We see it as no different than if my DW was biologically related to the DC.

Will the child have any legal rights to know who their bio father is at sone point?

Yes, when they turn 18 they can contact him if they wish. We have some information about the donor (height, weight, occupation, interests, likes, dislikes, family background) and a picture of him as a child which DD has seen.

Did you go through 'official' route or unofficial? As in through a clinic or someone you found on the internet/a friend

We went through an official clinic and used the European Sperm Bank for donor sperm. We have friends who have used people from the internet or had a friend donate sperm but that wasn't for us.

My sister is gay and wants a baby but she doesn't know where to begin. Where are the best places to find donors and how much is the cost? Thanks

Personally I would only use an official sperm bank such as European Sperm Bank or Cryos. Each pot of sperm is about £300 but if your sister wants siblings it's worth buying a few from the same donor.

The sperm banks will only send the sperm to a registered clinic for artificial insemination (IUI) or IVF and the costs of these clinics and treatments can vary.

We conceived DC1 in Copenhagen as the cost is so much cheaper than the UK (even with flights and a hotel)

The Stork Klinik in Copenhagen is owned by a lesbian and helps lots of gay women conceive. It's very easy to get to from the airport and they all speak perfect English.

DC1 cost us about £1000 in total:

Sperm: £300
IUI: £350
Return flights: £150
Hotel: £80
Sperm storage: £100 per year

With DC2 we ended up having IVF in the UK after 4 failed IUI attempts so it cost a lot more!

Thanks for your advice, I'll let her know all this.

Wow!!

Also I hope I didn’t offend in my “assuming dp is a bloke” comment. Happy families are happy families. 😀

What have you told your 4yo about his parentage?

What have you told your 4yo about his parentage?

We have told her she doesn't have a Daddy and has two Mummies instead. We have a book from the donor conception network that explains IUI in child friendly language. She knows she had a donor and he is a man we don't know and his seed was used with my egg to make her. She understands he isn't her Dad.

Sometimes she gets confused and thinks her godfather must be her Dad but generally she has accepted it all and taken it in her stride.

ememem84 no offense taken

Did you need to take any medication? Were the procedures comfortable,

Did you need to take any medication? Were the procedures comfortable,

No medication for IUI - they basically just insert the washed semen into the uterus via a catheter. It was slightly uncomfortable, a bit like a smear test. Once the nurse had everything set up my DW was able to press the plunger, then we were left alone in the room for as long as we wanted.

IVF I needed to take medication and had egg collection under sedation so it was a lot more invasive. The embryo transfer was similar to the IUI except the doctor had to do it rather than DW.

Thank you. I bet you're looking forward to welcoming your second

Thanks for answering my questions, ot must have been good for your DW to bond with your child as she was the main carer as you'd got that bond when pregnant.

Did you deliberately not want full bio siblings or was it just the way it worked out? As in, you didnt buy extra sperm for a sibling when concieving your first?

Did you choose hair colour etc to match you or your wife? Did it work out that way once your child was born or do they look different than what you thought?

Is there anything you feel in retrospect you hadnt thought of or hadnt considered, before you went for this process?

Did you deliberately not want full bio siblings or was it just the way it worked out? As in, you didnt buy extra sperm for a sibling when concieving your first?

We did buy extra sperm and they will be full bio siblings. We bought six pots initially, conceived first time with DD, had four further failed IUI attempts so decided to use the last pot for IVF which has higher chances of success.

Did you choose hair colour etc to match you or your wife? Did it work out that way once your child was born or do they look different than what you thought?

To be honest... we chose a donor that was healthy, intelligent and good looking. DW and I are both blond and he has dark hair. When you have a pick of 300+ donors it's really difficult to choose so in the end we just went for the one with the photo we were most drawn to. As it turns out DD looks a lot like me but I can definitely see a resemblance with the donor's picture.

Is there anything you feel in retrospect you hadnt thought of or hadnt considered, before you went for this process?

Ask me when the DC are teenagers... At the moment all is fine but I do worry they might feel strange about the way they came into the world and could even resent us. I also worry if they track down the donor they might have higher expectations of him than he is willing to give.

I'm currently considering becoming a single mum via donor conception. Denmark is one of the places I am looking in to. I'm not sure whether I will need IUI or IVF, as I said I'm still at the researching phase.

What are the logistics of having fertility treatment abroad? How long did you have to spend in Denmark for IUI? Did you have to fly out for any investigations before starting the cycle or were you able to get any necessary investigations you needed done in the UK? How easy was this to arrange? How quickly were you able to start once you'd decided to go ahead with IUI in Denmark? My cycles are irregular, if you have any experience of this, how do clinics work around this? Did the fact that your children were conceived by IUI and IVF mean you are/were treated as a high risk pregnancy?

Sorry for all the questions!

No problem @KaitK happy to try and help!

What are the logistics of having fertility treatment abroad?

Flights from Gatwick - Copenhagen take about 2.5 hours and can be as little as £30 each way. If your cycle is very regular then you can book the flights in advance, the clinic suggests waiting until you get a positive ovulation test result before flying though.

How long did you have to spend in Denmark for IUI?

When conceiving DD we spent 2 nights there and treated it like a little holiday. Maybe that helped conception! Who knows... with the failed attempts I went alone and stayed either the night before if IUI was in the morning or the night after if it was afternoon.

Did you have to fly out for any investigations before starting the cycle or were you able to get any necessary investigations you needed done in the UK?

No it was all done in the UK. The clinic needs to see you are clear of HIV, hepatitis, chlamydia etc before they will do the IUI so you need to arrange this with your GP and email the results over. They will also want to do a Skype call with you to talk through everything and feel confident you are fully aware of the process.

How easy was this to arrange?

I won't lie, it was a faff.

How quickly were you able to start once you'd decided to go ahead with IUI in Denmark?

As soon as they have your test results you can start.

My cycles are irregular, if you have any experience of this, how do clinics work around this?

They will advise you to use clearblue ovulation sticks which show both high fertility (flashing smiley face) and peak fertility (solid smiley face). They will probably suggest to start tracking your ovulation ASAP to get an idea of your cycle. The best time for IUI is 12-36 hours after getting a solid smiley face and if you have an idea of how many days you have a flashing smiley beforehand then you can make a good guess on when is best to book the flight. The clinic always advised me to wait for the solid smiley before booking the flight but I found that too stressful!

Did the fact that your children were conceived by IUI and IVF mean you are/were treated as a high risk pregnancy?

I wasn't treated as high risk after IUI but I did get offered extra scans. With this pregnancy I am consultant led due to it being an IVF pregnancy and also due to my age.

Hope that answers your questions and good luck with everything! Feel free to PM if you want to discuss more.

Thank you!

It actually doesn't seem as complicated as I was thinking it would be (I've read so much but there's so much information out there it becomes quite difficult to whittle it down to what I really want to know, and it probably doesn't help that I've been reading about IUI and IVF at the same time!). Did you have to pay for the tests over here? If so, how much were they?