I adopted my children and my mother was adopted AMA

[Ineedaholidayagain]

My mother was adopted on the sixties so I have grown up with no information on one side, I only found out in my late teens she was adopted.
I then went on to adopt my own dc.
Ask me anything

Has your Mother ever looked for / found her family? Does she know the circumstances surrounding her adoption?

And the same questions for your own DC if it's not too much to ask. Do they know much about their birth family? Or have any interest in knowing?

My mum found her birth family when I was a teen, that's how I found out she was adopted. She didn't tell me but my older sister did. My mum didn't bring me up and we didn't have a close relationship. I count her adopted dad as my grandad and her adopted sister as my aunt who I see regularly. Her birth family I've met a couple of time and I know some story (but not much) and they are not part of my life. Possibly as I don't see my mum at all anymore.

My children know they are adopted and we have spoken about their birth family and done life story work. They are too young to meet them yet, but will support them if they choose too. I am forever grateful to their birth mum for having my amazing boys.

I will preface this by saying I am not a big fan of adoption and don't think enough is done to keep children with their biological mother or at least within the extended family. While you may be grateful for your children, there is a hole in their mothers life that can never be filled. I assume she's not dangerous if you're planning to have contact when they're older.
With all of that said, can you explain the circumstances of your children's adoption in vague terms?

What are the first few days / hours at home like?

Maybe the birth mother didn’t want to keep them?

@Mesacasa, how much involvement with child protection social work and the process by which children are made available for adoption have you actually had? Because mine is of, if anything, children left too long with non-coping parents for their own good, while there are often good risk-related reasons for the child not to stay within the extended family.

OP, could you say slightly more about why your mother didn’t bring you up? As you weren’t yourself adopted, was it meant extended family who did?

@Mesacasa My little boy is adopted. He was removed from birth, he was addicted to drugs and stayed in hospital for 7 weeks as a result.
How much involvement have you had with social services? In my experience children remain with birth parents for too long in a lot of circumstances.

While you may be grateful for your children, there is a hole in their mothers life that can never be filled. I assume she's not dangerous if you're planning to have contact when they're older.

Birth parents have done something to have their children removed. I empathise with women who have "a hole in their life" once their children are removed but that is nothing in comparison to ensuring a child is safe, protected and loved.

I fully expect my DS will want to meet his birth mum when he is older. I will fully support him. I babe a very friendly relationship with her is letterbox and have a lot of love for her. That said, I 100% agree with this reasons for his removal from her. Birth parents dont have to be 'dangerous' to have a child removed and you're setting the bar very low if you think that is the case.

I will preface this by saying I am not a big fan of adoption and don't think enough is done to keep children with their biological mother or at least within the extended family. While you may be grateful for your children, there is a hole in their mothers life that can never be filled. I assume she's not dangerous if you're planning to have contact when they're older.

There is so much wrong with this whole post, I don't even know where to start.

There is often a hole in the children’s life, adopters know that too but I think most of us who work with children see involvement as too little, too late so often.

Am adopted too - she didn’t deserve to keep me. She did keep some siblings - they envy me.

How are your adopted children op?
do you need support for them?

I’m not the OP but have adopted children and through this I know many kids who have been removed from birth families. My experience is that the birth parents are given a lot of support and opportunities before children are removed permanently and that in many cases this is to the detriment of the child who is exposed to further abuse which can then lead to long term developmental and emotional challenges (not for everyone).

Adoption is tough for everyone and it’s an emotive issue.

Having had a rocky experience of adoption yourself (via your mum), what motivated you to adopt your sons?

Are they siblings? Did you plan to adopt two or were you approached to adopt the second child by SS?

Thanks

My mum left home when I was little because she wanted to live near her married boyfriend. I was bought up by my dad and after a few years a loving stepmum who treated me like her own. My birth mum hasn't contacted me in years and has no interest in me. My mum's adopted sister is very much in my life and is my aunt to all intents and purpose. This taught me blood does not make a family close and its what you choose.

My babies are siblings. They were with birth mother for years first but she couldn't keep them safe and they had death threats against them. There was a lot of involvement but no change so they were adopted to give them a stable safe environment. They have emotional issues, it's been many years but one can't sleep in the dark even now. We also have medical issues which we are dealing with.
They know I'm not birth mum but they call me their real mum, sometimes it's a difficult relationship but like all children they are learning all the time.

Hi OP- would you mind sharing the process of adopting your own children?
-How long did it take from first expressing interest to actually formally adopting?
-what obstacles existed with the process?
-How invasive/supportive were social services?
-Any advice for somebody wanting to adopt?

We adopted under the old rules, it took 2 years from saying we wanted to adopt to having out babies, and we were uncomplicated. No serious previous partners, no health issues and been together forever. You need a tight group of friends and family to support you that don't mind being questioned and will support you.
You have to be sure that you don't want or have said goodbye to the idea of birth children as its not a second choice or reserve option. The questions will be very invasive and blunt, just hope you get a good social worker. We had a amazing one which helped.

@Mesacasa you clearly haven't met many adoptive families.

I have two adopted children with different birth mothers. Both were the third child to be removed.

DD was born addicted to heroin and left alone at the hospital immediately after so that birth mother to go off to get her next fix. She didn't even bother giving DD a name. This was her third baby born drug addicted so she knew the routine and didn't bother coming back even to check that DD was ok. She hasn't been in contact since. Didn't even leave a photo of herself right any information about a birth father.

DS birth mother was given a chance to keep him despite her older two toddlers having been taken into care due to neglect that had left one of them with life changing damage. She failed every test and eventually agreed for him to be released for adoption.

As you are not a fan of adoption I wonder what you believe should have happened to my beautiful children instead?

I know you say you will support your children if they ever want to meet their birth mother, but wouldn't you feel like they felt there was something missing and that's why they're doing it? For context, I was adopted from birth over 40 years ago as my birth mother was very young (under 18) and made the decision that I was to be adopted before I was born. She was very clear with Social Services that I was to go to a family that could give me the opportunities in life that she felt she couldn't.

I have had the best (adopted) parents who I see as my real parents as I've been with them since I was a tiny baby (about 6 weeks old) and have never entertained the idea of searching for my birth mother (my father was not named on my birth certificate so I don't even know his name). My parents always said they'd support me if I chose to look for her, however I always felt I'd leave them thinking that they had somehow let me down and that's why I was looking for her which is why I've never pursued it. I'd just be interested to hear how you'd feel if your children started trying to find their birth mother.

Thank you, Ineedaholidayagain . It sounds like you are surrounded by a lot of wonderful love and support.

@Ineedaholidayagain thank-you so much.
Yes we have been mulling this over for absolutely ages now and are both very keen, but I suppose a bit weary of social services/the unknown. Family and friends I'm certain would be supportive/happy to chat.
No previous partners to consider, have one DC together but no chance of anymore sadly...
Thanks so much for your honesty... it's really very kind and helpful x

Some of these stories are so sad, especially the poor baby born addicted to heroin. In the defence of the person who says they don't agree with adoption, I have heard a lot of stories online about babies taken for no reason. I've heard some people say if they have blue eyes and blonde hair that increases the risk. I'm personally conflicted as to whether it is not the full truth or if this does sometimes happen. There are absolutely instances where a child should be adopted. In real life I only know one person who has SS involvement and that was only because she was a care lever. She wasn't allowed to leave the hospital until SS had a meeting. She had a blonde blue eyed baby, SS was involved for about 1 year, when they closed her case. But I really don't know enough people with SS involvement too make an informed verdict on if it sometimes happens for no reason. I imagine the poster has also heard similar stories and has more faith they are true.

In the defence of the person who says they don't agree with adoption, I have heard a lot of stories online about babies taken for no reason. I've heard some people say if they have blue eyes and blonde hair that increases the risk. I'm personally conflicted as to whether it is not the full truth or if this does sometimes happen.

Christ, not this again. Why not actually do some research, rather than passing on stupid, damaging, baseless fictions?