My DP is 26 years older than me AMA

[GidgetGirl]

What it says up there. We’ve been together about 4 years.

Say he stated showing signs of dementia in 10 years, would you stick with it?

@soulrunner I hope I would, yes. I can’t imagine abandoning someone I loved in the event of serious illness, no matter what their age.

Not many of us think about sensible future plans when we meet someone and fall in love, do we?

Well I did. And if the person was 26 years older than me I can't see how you can avoid thinking about the future. It's staring you in the face.

I’m aware if we stay together I could be his carer in another 20 years. It’s not a nice thought, but if I loved him of course I’d do it.

But you would be the age he is now. Could you see him sitting at home with an 80 year old, helping them wash and dress, cutting their toe nails and watching them nod off in a chair. That's what life would be like for you.

That he’s only in it for the young(ish) flesh

Do you not wonder why when a man chooses to be with a woman with 20+ years age difference they go for 20 years their junior and not their senior. The 'young(ish) flesh' plays more of a major part than you're willing to realise.

Do you know what his wishes are in tbe event of ill health and possible death? Sorry to be morbid. My dh was 22 years older than me and died recently. For us it was simple in theory because he wanted to leave me almost everything (apart from a bequest to the kids) but hadn't made a will before he became unsound of mind. So I've had to go through probate and sort out a lot of financial things since his death. Is your relationship with his kids easy enough that you can deal with this scenario without problems?

@Fairenuff Well, we’ve not talked about finding him a care home yet, if that’s what you mean? We pay into a mortgage together and we both have wills, so in that sense we’ve thought about the future. We know we can rely on each other. But no, when I first met him I didn’t think about the future at all. I just thought it was going to be a bit of fun. But we fell in love and we didn’t want it to end, so it hasn’t.

I already watch him nod off in chairs, but that’s something he has in common with most of the male population over the age of 30. At least in my experience.. And actually, a cut his toenails now and again too. That’s purely down to me being an avid picker/spot squeezer though, rather than his age. He’s a very supple man.

I have a 22 year age gap with my DH. Our relationship is great, much better than my first husband who was a similar age to me. If you're happy thats all that matters, in the grand scheme of things you can make anything work!

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter I’m not denying that he enjoys my younger body, but only as much as I enjoy his older one. It’s no more shallow than any other physical preference, surely? All of his partners before me have been around his own age and sometimes older. He’s far from being a serial cradle-snatcher.

Because I wouldn't answer random questions about my relationship on a forum. I have respect for my partner. Genuine answer.

@ElizabethMainwaring Er, if you can’t anonymously chat about relationships on Mumsnet, where on earth can you do it? There are entire boards devoted to it on here! I’m not sure where you got the idea that I don’t respect my partner from either..

Ok, I hope it goes as well for you as it has for me. All the best.

He’s not rich (I wish!) and he’s tight as a gnat’s arse

This is going to make caring for him in his old age a lot less enjoyable. Be prepared for it to be less wheeling him round the park in a wheelchair with a nice tartan blanket over his legs while you have the same conversations you always did, and more in the ball park of wiping his arse, doing every single household task as well as still working, sex life gone, and hearing the same story five times a day every day as he's forgotten he already told you. All this could be the case in as little as 10 years from now. Talk to him about putting a lasting power of attorney in place and see how he reacts.

@GidgetGirl Of course love is fun. I never said that it was immature, but I did say that your description of the relationship doesn't sound like a mature loving relationship. I am (gently) agreeing with @ElizabethMainwaring, you do sound shallow and it is nothing to do with the age gap/goatees comments and everything to do with comments such as 'it's the best sex I have ever had, and I have had a lot of sex' (No judgement at all there, I love sex and it is very important to me, but I wouldn't use it as a justification for my relationship), or young flesh and material gains.

I just can't shift the gut feeling that part of the attraction to you is imagining the shock or disbelief of people, as much as I would prefer not to believe that, and that you are missing the point of people's disbelief. It's nothing to do with cliches or attraction and everything to do with the practicalities that you are quite dismissive of.

Old age is a serious thing, you never know how much care and assistance you will need. (True of any age, of course, but it's a given that it will happen eventually). In my life right now, I have my neighbours with a ten year age difference, at 65 she is super sprightly and at 75, he has Alzheimer's. He's fine to have a chat too but can become very anxious. It's very very very hard work for her and she has given up her social life because it's too distressing for him. As I said previously, my dad is slowing down massively, and very suddenly. He retired before he was 50 and had a great life, lots of time on his boat and motorbikes, with his friends, exercising and being with his dogs. My good friends father, aged 62, having never smoked or drank to excess suddenly had been diagnosed with stage four cancer and has 6 months to live.
Of course, this absolutely might not happen, and there are many examples of people who live a right old age with only a few minor issues.

My point here is most people enjoy the opportunity building memories and relationship together, growing together and so by the time they have to face old age, there is a lot of love and shared intimacy between them to fuel them through these challenges. And you are choosing to accompany him in this part of his life, during the best years of your life, willingly. I am not saying that you are wrong, just that is what I am struggling with because I know that I would not want that for me and my life (I was faced with that choice, and I chose my DH because he is only 4 years older than me and the logistics we have discussed, and over the last 18 years, I have never regretted that decision).

But anyway, we are all different and it's noones business but your own. If you are willing to work through not just the bad but the absolute shittest of times with your loved one, then yes, that is a committed relationship and as I previously said, all the best.

Did anyone watch that age gap relationships programme on ch5 recently? I didn’t see all of it because tbh I found most of it utterly cringeworthy, but there were two couples, one where the bloke was 39 and the woman was 80 something and thought he might in fact be too old for her, and the other where the bloke was in his 40’s and woman in her 60’s, and she had real issues with not ever wanting to be seen as a burden etc. It in fact put a lot of strain on the relationship, until..... the bloke (who was the younger party) was diagnosed with terminal cancer. and it did put things in perspective for her but she became almost smug with it, saying that he couldn’t buy x or y because he’ll be dead soon and so on. but it did emphasise that actually although death and deterioration of health are normal things which will happen to the elderly, we none of us know where the future will take us.

@ahtellthee There has obviously been flippancy in some of my comments (i.e. the one you picked up on regarding the amount of sex I’ve had in my life). But I assumed they would be taken in the light-hearted, jokey manner they were intended, rather than as a serious assessment of my relationship. Anyway, is it shallow to express how much you enjoy the intimacy you have with your partner? I can’t deny I hugely enjoy that part of my relationship - probably because it was something which wasn’t quite as wonderful as I wanted it to be with long-term exes.

As for shock or disbelief being a motivating factor - that’s absolutely not the case. He’s youthful and attractive and we don’t look ‘weird’ together - I don’t recall ever getting any funny looks in public. The only negative reactions we’ve ever had have been on occasion from people who knew us individually, but these have always evaporated when they’ve met the other party and realised we’re not as much of an odd coupling as we appear on paper.

As lots of people have been pointing out, bum-wiping, etc, is not unlikely (being flippant again but not dismissing the harsh realities of old age, honest). But really though, what are the options for someone who falls in love with an older partner? Or indeed a younger partner with some kind of illness? There are only two - you pull your relationship apart or you go for it and accept the consequences. People are constantly falling in love with ‘inappropriate’ partners - it doesn’t mean they’re bound to fail. My ex, who I was with for 7 years, was four years older than me and a wonderful man. Kind, supportive and incredibly easy to be with. Perfect on paper, but it didn’t work out. For a few reasons, but largely because although I loved him, I just didn’t fancy him.

@ahtellthee - I think 26 years is a huge gap but you seem to have an odd view of ageing.

Old age is a serious thing

No, it's a stage of life that most of us hope to reach and we should stop making it something to anticipate with fear as none of us know what kind of old age we'll have.

you never know how much care and assistance you will need

Most old people don't go into a care home and manage at home, living independently (even if they're alone) with people coming in to help out if necessary. You can't base the whole of your life on how you (or your partner) might deteriorate in the last couple of years or final few months.

In my life right now, I have my neighbours with a ten year age difference, at 65 she is super sprightly and at 75, he has Alzheimer's

So are you suggesting that ten years is too huge an age gap? Your DH is 4 years older than you - would you have walked away from a life with him if he'd been 10 years older? Think of all the love, fun and intimacy you could have missed out on.

Your DH is 44 now - what would you do if he became disabled, got a life limiting illness, was brain damaged? Would you be furious with him for making you his carer and cheating you of the years you thought you were guaranteed because you'd edged your bets so carefully?

Glad to hear you were being flippant or even lighthearted as it wasn't obvious.

I doubt anyone would stand and point in shock, relationships with age difference are hardly shocking and people are mostly polite, but I was referring more to the discussions created amongst your social circle.

You can of course, discuss your physical relationship, whenever you feel appropriate, without appearing shallow. But the shallow comment was referring to all of your posts, not just one specific comment. If I was to describe my relationship with DH, I would reach for many qualities, such as his kindness, sense of humour, how much I am attracted to him, how we are compatible in every way and how I can't imagine life without him. I would just keep it a little classier, personally.

Anyway, for the third time (because I have absolutely lost interest now), good luck in your relationship.

Oof, bit needlessly pass-agg with the strike-throughs/‘keep it a little classier’ @ahtellthee ?

This reminds me of when Samantha in sex and the city is seeing the older guy. She loves his wealth, thinks he's funny, goes through with sex, up until he gets up for a pee and she catches sight of his saggy old man arse hanging down as he walks away. And makes a run for it!! Good luck to you, OP.

Well, we’ve not talked about finding him a care home yet, if that’s what you mean

No my point was that he is now active and enjoying a rich and varied life with an engaged, fulfilling partner.

But when you are his age you will not be able to do that.

I know you say you are happy to be his carer but the reality is that it will be a massive sacrifice on your part. Care homes are expensive. If you are still together it's much more likely that his care will fall to you.

You will have to give up your own satisfying, fulfilled life in your 50s to care for someone in their late 70s/80s.

You say that you haven't thought this far ahead and that 'love' is all that matters but you will probably feel very differently when the time comes.

However, if all of that causes you no concern then fine, I think you are well suited to each other and I think he has got the vastly better deal, so good luck to him.

It would be very interesting to hear from someone in their late 40s/50s who has found themself in the position of having to become their elderly DPs carer.

Masai71 that would be me! We have the same age gap - 26 years. I am now late 40s and DH is mid 70s, we've been together 30 years. I didn't give the age gap much thought when we first got together because with the arrogance of youth, I thought it would all be fine. We had a great life, lots of travel, lots of going out etc. He had grown up children (daughter older than me and son in year below me at school) and I have never wanted children so that wasn't an issue.

He retired mid 60s and I still work full time. I didn't mind him retiring as he'd done his 45+ years and he'd earned it. It also meant he could do house stuff/chores which saved us both time at the weekends His health started declining in his late 60s when he had to stop driving which is when the pressure started for me. 3 years ago he became an amputee, he's registered partially sighted, had heart failure, kidney failure and a stroke although thankfully that's only affected his eyesight which was already crap. He's as OK as he can be considering.

I am still working full time and I'm his carer and this is where the age difference is really noticeable. I don't have the life I want, it's very limited and I'm constantly knackered. Thankfully we're ok financially, we've both worked very good jobs so I'm on a good salary and he gets a very decent pension. The mortgage was paid off a few years ago and we get allowances (not mainland U.K. so different) and we use these allowances to pay for a cleaner, gardener, window cleaner etc - anything we can chuck money at to help take the pressure off me basically. But it is hard and I wouldn't recommend it.

That sounds so hard @VQ1970 - sounds like living with / caring for an elderly parent. I imagine his children are grateful you're around as saves them the caring responsibilities.