Spent entire childhood in care - ama

[TeslaGirls]

Hopefully this will put right some of the stereotypes that still exist with children who are looked after or accommodated by by the local authority, "in care" in my day.

I was first fostered aged 18 month, then spent my childhood in a variety of foster homes and children's homes until the care order expired when I was 18.

Here's hoping there's no tumbleweed

Sorry you went through that.

How many families did you live with?

Do you get told much about your biological family?

sorry that happened to you.

Do you keep in touch with any of your fosters carers?

Were you just left to fend for yourself at age 18 or to they give you some transition time and a place to live.

Also, do you have a nice life now, or are you harbouring resentments?

Sorry that happened to you.

Were you ever considered for adoption?

Do you keep in touch with foster families ?

How has it affected you?

What would you change about the system?

Do you think the current reluctance to remove children before their parents have been given multiple chances does more harm? I.e do you think you may have been better removed and adopted early?

@legalseagull in total I had 6 different foster placements, though one short term placement was for 10 years. It broke down when I was 13 due to CSA.

My biological father I have no idea if the man I think is my birth father (father to 3 of my 16 birth siblings) as he's not named on my birth certificate. No contact with my birth mother since she stopped turning up for supervised contact when I was 5.

@misspoirot yes, one lovely set of foster parents are now my DC's grandparents, despite me only living with them for a matter of months. Their extended family have all accepted me and DC into their rather enormous family, which is lovely as I have no extended family of my own (single parent).

@WTF is was very fortunate when I left school at 16 and knew I had to move out of my children's home - I'd seen many residents be moved out into their own accommodation, which would then fail as living on your own at 16 is very hard. Most ended up unofficially back with ex foster parents, or even worse, back with the families they had been removed from.

As I say, I was lucky in that my sw fought hard to get me a place in a leaving care scheme. It meant moving away at very short notice, which in turn meant I couldn't do the college course I wanted, but I lived there between the ages of 16-19, in a house with 2 other care leavers, with a support worker who lived a few miles away providing weekly house meetings etc. A very happy time

Aged 19 I had to move out, and was given a one bedroom council flat and £170 from the LA to furnish it. It didn't go far

@Edthebear I used to ask my foster parents (the ones I was with for 10 years) if they would adopt me, as the LA had me on a full care order meaning I would never be returned to my birth parents. Their reply - we won't get money for you if we adopt you.

@reallyanotherone even in the 1970s my birth mother was given loads of chances - I was back and forth from various foster carers until the LA said enough when I was 3 and removed her PR. Over a period of 11 years she had at least a child a year, all of whom she put in and out of care. We all ended up on full care orders.

I think my early experiences have undoubtedly shaped me. I know I have quite significant attachment issues, and do not trust easily at all. It also shaped me in a more positive way though, I became a social worker

You sound lovely and very together op.

Did you feel scared as a child?
Do you think the SS did the right thing for you?
Were all of your foster families nice to you?

Oh and following your update. Did it hurt your feelings when your foster family said they wouldn’t be paid for you if they adopted you?

Sorry @reallyanotherone I didn't really answer your question. I think that is a very difficult question to answer, as there are so many variables. In my own experience, my life would have been very different had I been adopted as I wouldn't have experienced CSA from my foster parents and residential staff. I think in general, parents should be allowed to mess up now and again, but there comes a point where someone has to step in and say enough.

I love that you became a social worker!

Are you in contact with any of your siblings?

What advice would you have for anyone thinking of fostering?

How old are you now?

Have you tried to find any of your birth siblings?

@Springwalk I'm far from together, but that's a lovely thing to say

Yes I remember feeling very scared as a child. Scared sitting on the steps of the Social Services building wondering if my birth mother would turn up - then being confused and feeling like I was bad when she didn't (aged under 5). I think as I grew older, I was very scared of what my future held, as I had no family, no money and no support network. It took a while but I got there.

No, not all of my foster families were nice - there's a reason I'm only in touch with one set. Not all were actually abusive though, just not very welcoming iyswim.

Re not being paid to adopt - it very much hurt, but it was used as a way to inflict emotional pain so I guess that was the point. Very outing but they had 3 birth DC of their own, and 1 who had died quite young. They made it very clear to me when I was growing up that they only wanted to foster my sister, but as the LA wouldn't split us up they got stuck with me as well.

I am in contact with just one sibling, though we have a very strained relationship - I'm in my 40s.

@MontanaSky I would say it's very very hard work (I didn't make it easy for mine, even my lovely ones who are now DC's grandparents). Listen to the child is the most important thing. Because the LA still were reluctant to split my sister and I up, I ended up in a foster placement where I didn't want to be but my sister did. So I kept running away back to the children's home where I did want to live.

Actually, I guess that's an important point. Sometimes when children and young people have experienced numerous placement breakdowns, they may prefer to live in a children's unit where they don't have to form bonds etc. I think nowadays there's a big push for the right to family life, but occasionally it just isn't what the child wants.

Do you wish that the local authority had applied to put you up for adoption when you were a toddler? It's a very contentious issue as you will be aware.

Thankyou for opening up this and sharing.

I'm sure it's hard for you - but you do come across as strong and sound and confident!

It's interesting you say you liked children's home because you didn't have to done relationships.

I wondered if a children's home feels more secure for some children who have experienced multiple placements - do you know you'll remain there rather than the placement having an end that you don't know is coming?

You must have always felt like tomorrow could be the day I move again?

Did you get moved around from the educational perspective too? Or were you able to at least maintain stability there? I have lots of questions about academic outcomes and achievements and how much support you got or if you had to be self motivated?

Sorry, forgot to say thank you. I can’t begin to comprehend how tough your childhood must have been.

What advice would you give to schools/ teachers about children in care? What was your experience if the school system?

Has your experience made you try for secure of family of your own or be distant from relationships ?
Do you have kids ?

What do you mean by CSA?

Do you think the law is right in that at age 16 you are potentially turfed out even though you're nowhere near being an adult?

What area of social work are you in?

Do you have any desire to speak to your birth mum now and ask her why?

Have you ever requested a copy of your notes?

Who or what was the most positive thing in your childhood?

So glad to hear that in spite of your turmoil you've been able to have a DC and a good job.