Spent entire childhood in care - ama

[TeslaGirls]

Hopefully this will put right some of the stereotypes that still exist with children who are looked after or accommodated by by the local authority, "in care" in my day.

I was first fostered aged 18 month, then spent my childhood in a variety of foster homes and children's homes until the care order expired when I was 18.

Here's hoping there's no tumbleweed

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. If you'd like to tell us (but please don't answer if it's too nosy) how are you finding being a mother yourself? Are there aspects of parenting that you struggle with after not really being parented yourself?
(And of course we all struggle with some aspects of parenting!)

I wanted to ask the same ad @Haffdonga - has your own parenting been affected by your childhood?

It definitely has impacted on my own parenting. I stuck it out in am abusive relationship for far too long because I didn't think I could cope on my own as a lone parent with no family back up. I also desperately didn't want to follow the sane path as my birth mum and becoming a lone parent felt like it was the first step on that route. Of course now, 10 years later, I can see that I completely made the right call

Day to day stuff is more subtle. I drive DDs mad by insisting they keep random bits of tat that may hold a memory one day, bus tickets etc. This is because I have absolutely nothing tangible from my childhood.

I tend to over compensate as well, especially with feeling guilty over not having extended family with children the sane age. They've go to a lot of clubs I used to be a lot worse at this, but over the years I've realised that a secure family home can compensate for most things.

Practical things I've pretty much had to teach myself. I'm still not great at household stuff as in children's homes there were staff to clean, staff to order and prepare food etc - we weren't allowed in the kitchen. I think maybe though that's just me using that as an excuse, I've had 30 years to learn, I just am not that interested

I can be very over protective of DDs, to the point of extremes sometimes, but I think that has more to do with the CSA than being in care, iyswim.

I'm sure there's other things, but I've rattled on enough!

Apologies for all the typos!

Thanks for your reply tesla. It's really helpful. Especially about rebelling against the family events and not being ready to be included. It's such a fine line to tread as a foster carer.

It makes me so angry to hear about how some carers treat the children in their care.

@KickBishopBrennanUpTheArse I think foster caring is a very difficult job - as you say, it's a fine line. There were times when I wanted to be included, desperately so, but was too scared to admit it for fear of rejection. I think that fear still exists today. My foster mum's brother once said to me that if ever I wanted to talk to anyone without it getting back to my foster parents and then my sw, to just give him a shout. That meant a lot, as I felt I had no privacy whatsoever, every think I did/said was recorded in case notes somewhere. Years later I found out my foster mum had asked her brother to have a chat with me, as she knew I was desperately unhappy and realised I wasn't talking to her.

Over the years, both personally and professionally I have witnessed foster parents at both ends of the spectrum - one I dealt with professionally was sacked after she slapped her FC across the face However I also dealt with one who had the patience of a saint when dealing with contact issues etc and that FC absolutely thrived in that placement and went on to study at Cambridge

Can I just say you have great empathy and a caring nature op, I really admire you for being so grounded and we'll rounded after not having the home you wanted to grow up in. Rather than defeating you it seems to have shaped you into a decent person who sounds like a great mum. I'm sorry if this sounds flippant or preachy, I just wanted to say how nice ou seem, I'd like someone like you as a friend.

@ssd thank you I don't have many friends (again, fear of rejection etc) so that means a lot

Thanks for the reply, Tesla.

Can I also ask, Do you harbour a lot of resentment towards your birth family because of your childhood? You said earlier that you don't have a relationship with your mother - is there anything she could have done to change that?

@OpiesOldLady I was angry with my birth mum for a very long time. When I was younger it was for not turning up for contact, walking past me in the street without speaking etc. As I grew older, the anger changed to resenting why she'd had so many children but only wanted to actually parent 2 of them.

I have no resentment towards other members of my birth family as I don't know them, never have.

When I think of grandparents, aunts and uncles etc it is the family of my abusive foster parents I think of, as I grew up within that family. My dear grandad (foster mum's dad) I missed terribly for years, but I haven't seen him since I was 13. I used to describe the abrupt breakdown of that placement as like a nuclear bomb going off and I was the only one left standing. In one day I lost my family, my home, my church, my school and my home town - it was very hard Although I had been in care from being a baby, this placement had been 10 years long, and I didn't know children's homes etc existed. I think I had misplaced anger with my birth mum over that, as if I hadn't been in care it wouldn't have happened. Although, the police and sw told me that as they didn't believe me re the abuse, the only reason I was being moved into a children's home was because I was already in the care system and they didn't want to be sued. If my foster patentable had been my birth family I would have been sent back there, so I guess I'm grateful they weren't!

I have a couple of questions. When I was 5 my parents fostered a 15 year old girl. I loved having a big sister, we used to go to the park together. When she got to 16 she continued to live with us because my Mum didn't want to make her leave. My question is why do/did children stop being fostered at 16? They are still children, often from troubled backgrounds - my sister would've struggled on her own. I also had a friend when I was 16 who lived by himself at the YMCA as his mum died and they said he was too old to be fostered. He struggled, we all used to try and help him with his laundry as he wasn't very good at it.

When my foster sister was 17, my Dad got a new job and we had to move across the country. My parents offered my sister to come with us but she didn't want too. She wanted to stay in the town she grew up in, and also her Dad lived in the town. Which is my next question, why do some children want to go back to their birth parents even though they are not good for them? Her Dad doesn't actually want her and has been rejecting her all her life. But she goes back every time.

I've never lost touch with my foster sister even though we live far apart. She is part of our family and comes to major family events like weddings. My parents never fostered again after that, they have thought about it but mum has health problems.

@PurpleAardvark Fortunately things have changed for the better now. There are a lot more Aftercare/moving on schemes now for care leavers, as well as much better support to continue their education. I guess that depends on the LA though, mine is really hot on promoting education of all LAC, and it's starting to pay off.

Re managing on their own at 16. Not so long ago, we had a 15 year old in placement breakdown. It was 17.30 on a Friday afternoon and we had absolutely nowhere for her to go (she was quite a troubled teenager with a very problematic family). I vividly remember my team manager sighing and saying he wished the teenager was just a few months older because if she was 16 they would have just moved her into a B&B. The look on the girls face was awful, so I said I would go to a. B&B with her for the weekend. We went to the seaside, all expenses paid

I think that this in part demonstrates an answer to your second question. Some kids see no alternative but to go home to abusive families, as soon as they are able. Some because it's all they've known, while others resent having being move away in the first place, even if homelife was horrific. A case of better the devil you know I guess. In those cases, sadly the cycle of deprivation and abuse is more likely to continue

@PurpleAardvark and bless you are your family for fostering

Thank you so much for answering, it's hugely appreciated.

sorry to sound extremely direct, I've just quickly read through your thread which is super interesting by the way so thank you.
But we're you sexually abused by your foster parents and residential staff?! Were they prosecuted?! What happened?

@tedx that's rather insensitive don't you think? The OP has made references to abuse, nothing more specific. I think that's her business and not for us to question.

@tedx yes buy multiple but I'd rather not derail a positive thread with that, if that's ok

Thanks @Bobbiepin

I don't have a question that hasn't already been asked but just wanted to say that you are awesome!

@pickletickled I'm really not but this is doing wonders for my self confidence

Thank you for replying. Obviously it was a very intrusive question which you didn't need to answer but the reason I asked was I literally couldn't believe what I had read and thought I may have misunderstood. My bad.
Like I said this thread has been such an eye-opener and I definitely don't want to derail it. You sound amazing and are inspiring.

I also work in children’s social services and I found this fascinating. Thank you for being so brave and sharing x

I'd like to foster - we have one child but it seems unlikely we'll be able to have another. However I often think I'm not a great mum as I work and I'm often tired, sometimes I suffer from depression, and I can be a bit impatient. I'm very loving though, and adore my little boy. I feel I have more love to give but I'm not a born mother, if you see what I mean. If I did it, I'd want to be a really good foster mum, but worry I'm a bit too shouty at times. Do you think I'd be suitable for fostering? Could you have coped with being told off for eg not putting your shoes away after being asked three times, provided you also had a nice room, food, cuddles, boundaries, love? It's fine to say no, btw.

@BishooWishoo Sorry to read you struggle sometimes

It's interesting, as despite me constantly pushing and testing boundaries, I actually craved having set guidelines as I found it very reassuring. Being told off meant that I was being treated as part of the family, my little foster brother was always told off for not closing a cupboard door - occasionally I would deliberately also leave it open so that I could 'test' to see if we were being treated the same

I think it's great that you're thinking about fostering, and I would probably suggest you have a chat with your LA about your concerns. If you think full time fostering may be too much, what about emergency short term? Or respite? Both such vital services

Thanks for replying! I've actually just gone to my local authority website and downloaed their leaflet on fostering and thought emergency short-term fostering or respite fostering sounds like it might be more suitable for us.

You sound like you've managed to come through a difficult childhood really well, OP.