My daughter took her own life while at Uni - can I help other parents? *MNHQ SLIGHTLY EDITED TITLE*

[Cclub]

This may seem a strange thread but I may be able to help other parents. Ask me anything that will help you keep your young adults safe .
DD , 19 , was a first year student in a RG uni . She experienced poor MH from the age of 13 . She accessed help at Uni and did make a previous attempt on her life whilst at Uni . We were not informed.
If your child is starting at Uni this term you may have questions . This thread is just to help others - please be kind . No need for condolences as I know you will have that for me but I just want to be able to help others . Ask me anything . Xx

Was there a 'history' of depression in your family Cclub? (if that's not too intrusive a question....I have my reasons for asking)

I’m really very sorry to read this - we still have a very long way to go with MH. MY Ds is looking at uni for next year I have concerns about his MH and know from experience that you are very lucky if you get an understanding GP.

Most people still feel ashamed to be thinking like this - it is still not accepted that these thoughts can come out of nowhere and that we have no control over them - very difficult for a person with rational thinking to understand this.

The pressures on kids these days is huge and uni is a stressful time for the best copers.

Thank you for sharing it must be a difficult time for you with Dd2 starting - I hope you are able to find some peace in amongst it all x

I am so so sorry OP

My ds1 went off to uni last year after suffering many years of chronic depression and related issues. I didn’t feel he was ready to go. During that summer he had already come close to a suicide attempt but fortunately stopped himself and we were referred to the crisis team. Who were largely unhelpful to be honest. After he’d left for uni I had a feeling of impending doom. He appeared on our home doorstep one Monday morning white as a sheet and looking horrific saying he’d spent sat night in hospital after a deliberate drug overdose. The hospital hadn’t informed me. He stayed at home a week whilst I tried to access help for him. There was no help. He went back to uni, slipped further and further into depression and then decided to leave and come home. I am thankful beyond words, every day, that he survived, despite there being really no help for him. I am so so sorry about your girl. What an unimaginable tragedy

Limits- there was depression on my mothers side .

There are a number of parents who are stepping up to try and make change at the Unis .
More info here www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-45624695

This child had no previous evidence of MH problems that I am aware of xx

A healthy level of stress is not one that causes you to self harm, stop eating/binge on food and one that does not give you the gut wrenching anxiety.

Healthy stress is a good run and feeling tired, a missed deadline, a rubbish essay. It is not something that drains the life blood and joy from your being.

Kenw- I honestly think that DD was expecting either the Uni or NHS to let us know how bad she had got . She was running for help everywhere but seemed not to want to admit to me that it had all gone so bad. She had been putting on such a brave face on the phone or when she came home . She had maintained a beautiful romance with her first bf of 4 years . They spoke daily - saw each other often . The poor boy will never get over losing her . Sometimes they just manage to hide it . I am so glad your child had the strength to come home xxx

Hope Mumsnet- sorry if anyone got upset with my title . I am happy that you changed it . Thank you

@Cclub

Thank you very much for posting - I'm so sorry for your loss - Mental Health Supports are woefully lacking in so many areas and it's desperate and inexcusable that your daughter was let down so badly by her University.

My DS has suffered from MH issues since he was 12 - severe depression & anxiety & suicidal ideation - he was an inpatient in CAMHS unit at 13 for several months.

Long story short - he is currently at University & living at home - he suffers from severe mood swings & paranoia now too when his anxiety is high and is on medication for this in addition to anti depressants and sees a psychiatrist every 2 months. They are very reluctant to give a diagnosis regarding these issues at present seemingly.

At 13 during his CAMHS assessments he was diagnosed with pragmatic language impairment (difficulty with non verbal communication) and struggles with organisation due to dyslexia & dyspraxia - he is signed up with University Disability Services and they have been absolutely USELESS despite the fact that they know his history. He has no trouble academically - all he really needs is an OT once a week to keep him on track with deadlines & organisation but they seem incapable of grasping this.

DH & I are lucky in that we can keep an eye on him at home & try & manage situations as they arise.

I'm very concerned atm though because he us due to go on Erasmus in Europe next year & I honestly do not know how he will cope - he says he really wants to go & we will support him in any decision 100% but the thought of him spiralling downwards on his own in a foreign country is terrifying.

Sorry for long post

Princess I feel for your struggle. We want our children to flourish and get to a point where they have the experience and strategies to cope with the own health. The worry is relentless. I don't know what to suggest other than a communication strategy that allows a responsible person to contact you if there is even the slightest concern .xx

I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your daughter.

DS1 has an anxiety disorder and had several episodes of clinical depression between Y9 and Y13. He also has some physical health issues. His health has been stable for 7 months and he just started university. He has put the following in place in case he becomes ill:

• He has registered with a local GP.
• He has emailed disability services at the university.
• DSA has agreed to pay for a specialist mentor for him.
• He has emailed the university giving them permission to contact us if they are concerned about his mental health or wellbeing.

Is there anything else he (or I) can do?

Cclub
Relentless worry - so true - I read somewhere that stress levels for parents like us are on a par with combat soldiers.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply - you are so right communication is key and that is what we will concentrate on.

Sending very best wishes to you and your family for the future xxx

Third- sounds like you are all over it . My DD did notify The Uni of her MH. She was booked in for appts but these were missed by her (red flag) or cancelled due to industrial Action and not followed up. With DD2 I am making a point of finding out who her friends are. In my experience children with such issues do tend to gravitate towards each other and keep each other low sometimes- it's worth looking at? Xx

Thank you: so far he has made some friends in halls but not any on his course yet. I do know what you mean about young people with MH issues gravitating towards each other.

I am really sorry to hear that industrial action affected wellbeing services, I actually don't agree with this as I think front-line wellbeing, either academic or other services, should always be in place due to the duty of care. I suppose people might say it's similar to nurses striking.

That's what I think Orchid. I have no issue with industrial action but they should have put other resources or plans in place . I think they have started to look at that for the future as part of their action planning . The coroner will address it at the inquest x

I will keep an eye on this in my own work. I was quite cross when the pastoral care person just went on strike last year as I had a student who needed some help (not an urgent case) and I thought it was neglectful not to provide any alternative. I'll make sure this doesn't happen if we all strike again which I hope not.

This thread has really highlighted an urgent need for all universities to get on board with the idea of an 'opt in' policy.
It surely is the easiest step that they can take which will have far reaching benefits.
Again I am so grateful to the OP for starting this discussion. I showed it to my DD last night and it's certainly something she will sign up for should her university offer it. She also has several friends in similar situations who she believes will feel the same way.
Hopefully by talking about it change won't be too slow in coming.

Yes, I hope this thread stays in active conversations for a very long time so that anyone who might benefit from it will see it

Limits and Drive. So pleased it has opened up conversations and discussions. I hope parents do feel comfortable showing the thread to children so that they recognise the risks. My biggest heartbreak was facing her fellow students 2 days after she died. They were devastated and no young person should be exposed to something like this when they are starting out in life . It has to change .
We know our kids best and should not be the last to know if they need our help when they are so far from home.
Thank you for sharing and commenting. X

Cclub my DD1 began much the same as your DD. All seemed well until I found out she was self harming at 13, she'd gone out and left her phone (unlocked) on the dining table. She subsequently told me she left it for me to find.
There unfolded the worst summer of my life. The realisation that my confident, beautiful, clever darling daughter was buckling under the stresses and strains of life.
I remember I would take her into my bed at night because the fear of her harming her self was so great.
It opened my eyes to her struggles, as a result our bond grew so strong.
I'm so very proud of her, how she opens up when things get too much, recognises it in her friends and how hard she fights to deal with her demons.
It's too much to think that some of our wonderful children can cope with such huge changes and opportunities that university life offers without the strongest support in place.
I hope that your daughter's inquest highlights the weaknesses in the system, and that your experience will help change the way our children are supported

Drivin it is a terrible thing to see your child suffer . I feel for you . As you will know it is a life time of worry but be sure to look after yourself xx

I know you said you didn’t need condolences, OP, but it’s hard to comment without sending them. I’m so sorry for your loss.

I’m commenting partly to keep this thread near the top of the board and partly to ask a question about opt-in.

I had depression and suicidal ideation from the age of 12. In my case, it was partly caused by emotional abuse at home. When I went to uni I struggled because my self-esteem was so low - but there was no pastoral care, no personal tutors, and my academic tutors were very distant. Looking back I should have gone to my GP at 17-18, but I was terrified of asking for help. This was a long time ago and I thought that if I admitted to being ‘mad’ (this is how I thought of myself), that I’d be locked away. I eventually went to a doctor when I was 24 (more than 20 years ago) and have been on medication ever since.

Because of what had happened at home, the idea of my parents being informed about my mental health would have made me much more anxious, more secretive and far less likely to ask for help. I wondered if you had any suggestions to avoid this for students like me who really didn’t want their parents involved, while maintaining the option of strong involvement where that would be helpful? Is it just a case of a student nominating someone they would feel comfortable with the university contacting? (Although at 18 and with no relationship with my GP at uni, I’m not sure who I would have put!)

One final point that I hope will offer a bit of reassurance: I suffered with depression for 12 years without telling a soul. I thought about suicide every day from the age of 12 until I was in my 30s. The single most important factor in me asking for help and eventually recovering was the erosion of stigma about mental health issues. From my own experience, I think if you’ve started this conversation with your kids and made it as easy as possible for them to tell you they need help, you’ve already taken a v important step. One that my own family still haven’t been able to do.

for all of you who are concerned about your children

Thank you for your post Daphne.

With the opt in policy you could nominate any person as a contact. I know , having spoken to some of DDs friends, that it would not always be a parent . I just hate the thought of the burden landing with fellow students who do not know how to handle the situation.
My DD made several attempts to ask for help but there was no link back to me . It just went too deep in her case and she couldn't find the strength and her friends probably beat themselves up with the guilt of not finding a way to contact me . They just didn't have the insight and I wouldn't expect them to. It is heartbreaking for so so many people .
The inquest is now at the end of Nov - I will keep posting updates .
I remain happy to answer any questions.
I did NC for this thread as it may well out me but I am not concerned about that. I just want it to make a difference if possible.
Thank you for sharing your story . I hope life has improved for you x

Ah that’s good re the opt in policy. And yes - agree that the burden on her friends would have been very heavy at that age: one reason I didn’t confide in mine until I was in my late 20s.

Sending you strength for the inquest - I hope you have lots of support.

My friend’s brother took his own life 3 years ago, and they had to have an inquest - my friend’s mum was given a named contact at the coroner’s office who was able to guide them through the admin and explain what would happen etc.

Very best to you and your family x

Thank you . We do have a named contact for the inquest and he is helping. It has been postponed a couple of times now which is stressful of course .
We have appointed a lawyer to handle it for us and to ensure the right questions are asked so that things can improve.
The Locsl NHS carried out a Serious Incident Review which they feel highlighted issues in the way she was supported .
It is a massively complicated set of events that led to DD being in the position that she ended up in .
I am very well supported by family and friends. I feel lucky in that respect .