My daughter took her own life while at Uni - can I help other parents? *MNHQ SLIGHTLY EDITED TITLE*

[Cclub]

This may seem a strange thread but I may be able to help other parents. Ask me anything that will help you keep your young adults safe .
DD , 19 , was a first year student in a RG uni . She experienced poor MH from the age of 13 . She accessed help at Uni and did make a previous attempt on her life whilst at Uni . We were not informed.
If your child is starting at Uni this term you may have questions . This thread is just to help others - please be kind . No need for condolences as I know you will have that for me but I just want to be able to help others . Ask me anything . Xx

What do you think we can do as parents to support our young people enough so that suicide doesn’t become an option?
Or do you think we can???

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss
What has the university had to say about it? Was there an enquiry?

I'm sorry for your loss.
Do you think that universities offer enough help to vulnerable students suffering from MH issues? What could / should they be doing to prevent further tragedies?

I'm really sorry to hear this.

As an tutor at uni (no longer for pastoral care though) this is my worst nightmare. That a student will really start to dip down and either I've given the wrong advice or just not noticed.

Most students do not attend their personal tutee meetings, for example, even when they are made 'compulsory'.

Waiting lists are FAR too long in wellbeing services and counselling which is where students get passed if they come through pastoral care.

The universities definitely do have enough money to increase counselling and wellbeing support staff, for sure.

One thing I am less confident about is whether parents should be informed once people are over 18. Informally I usually discuss parents/home with students and strongly advise them if they have any support there to use it and inform everyone. But I cannot (legally) make them do this.

What do you think about how things could be set up?

How have you coped with this terrible tragedy yourself?

Uni policies meant that they could have broken Data Protection policy if a student is at risk . They didn't though .

An inquest is ongoing .

The uni are carrying out a review at the Coroners request -as are the nhs .

She didn't want to burden friends but they've been devastated. I keep in touch.

I would encourage your loved ones to make a pact that if they feel concerned about a friend that they will speak to you . Not to try and sort it themselves. Its too much .

There is an Opt In policy at some Universities now . This permits them to contact you if they have concerns. Ask your child to sign it and encourage others .

Xx

I’m so sorry, OP. I came close to losing my own DD from an attempted hanging at uni.
She had previously been talking to the uni counselling service, and when I went down to speak to them they tried to refuse, citing confidentiality.
Fortunately, being a doctor, I was able to explain that I didn’t want them to breach any private details DD had given them, I simply wanted to give them (with DDs permission) the background and family history that she’d been unable to go into due to her depression.
That resulted in her being referred urgently to the psych services and started on medication.
It was difficult as DD was 200 miles from home, and I couldn’t keep a close eye, but her uni was brilliant once they knew she was at risk.
Her college tutor phoned me at home and said she’d started an informal spy network, so that if DD didn’t appear at meals or lectures, the tutor would be told and would check she was ok. The tutor drove her to A and E in her own car when she had a suicidal relapse, and the counsellors were hugely supportive.
I’d urge anyone with depressed teens to check out the uni’s pastoral care in advance, before choosing a place there. It seems very variable, and even some top uni’s can be surprisingly dismissive of students with mental health problems.

I completely agree with an Opt In service and would like to see this rolled out- what a great idea!

Op I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you.
My dd is 19. She's my best friend. I can't even contemplate what you're going through.
Love and thoughts to you and Eternal rest to your lovely girl. x
Also thoughts to anyone whose child is or has stuggled with MH illness x

Sound advice babdoc. I hope your daughter is doing ok. When DD took an overdose the staff put her in a taxi with a friend! The incident was not followed up by the academic side . At this point I would have rallied a more in-depth investigation to her care options if I'd been aware .
We spoke regularly and although I was constantly aware of her MH issues she did present as doing ok. She wasn't though.
The NHS has carried out a serious incident review . She rocked up to A&E within a few weeks of starting Uni (100 miles away) as she didn't feel safe . She was told to go and see her GP . She was not registered with one at that point . No further action was taken .

It seems to me that there has been a huge duty of care failing.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss.

My DS is about to leave for his first term at Uni. What should I be looking for? He will be 2 hours away and isn't a big communicator. How will I know if something is going wrong? No history of MH issues.

I am so sorry OP. As someone who works in a 'top' University but who has also worked in a College and a newer University, my general observation is that the College/FE sector and post polys seem to have far better pastoral care and support in place - it seems to be more 'built in'. I just mention this as anyone with a vulnerable child may wish to seriously consider the best place for them to continue their education, even if they are an academic high achiever. The ancient Universities may not be the best choice for the whole student, academic ability notwithstanding.

You say your daughter had mental health issues from the beginning of her teens.
Do you think her going to uni was a good idea in retrospect. I know you couldn't stop her if she really wanted to go.
The reason I ask is that part of my work is working with teenagers that self harm and/ or at high risk of suicide. Some if them talk about going to uni and I feel( As a worker and my own feelings) is that they seem too fragile. Once they leave our care I have no involvement with them unless they turn up to visit us and some have left me concerned.

I'm another that agrees that an 'opt in' policy re parents being notified can only be a good thing.
It's all well and good saying that they're 18 and respecting their privacy. But the reality is that for many of our kids it's the first time they are completely responsible for themselves, without family support. That is overwhelming enough for a child who's never experienced MH issues.
My DD1 will be heading off next year and this scenario plays on my mind. She has a good grip on her mental health at the moment, but that's because she knows she has our support and I am able to physically spot the signs when she starts to struggle and can put things in place to help her.
It feels me with dread to think of her in a situation where shes struggling as the last thing she will do is ask for that help.
It is only by parents like you speaking up that things will hopefully change in the future.
Thank you

Exec- my DD2 just started at the weekend . 2 hours away . I have encouraged her to sign up for opt in policy . My biggest fear for her is not her own MH ( never any indication despite what we have experienced this last few months) but that she meets / flat shares with someone like DD1 !! That's an awful thing to say but they are not able to provide that care to another student. It's too much . Try to find out about their new friends .
One thing I would add is that DD1 was very depressed for a long time . The signs were there and visible to me when she was in my care . I wish to God she had stayed home but she did seem to come alive at Uni.
Babyspider- the inquest will find out what could have been done differently.
X

Notacooldad-there was no way to stop her trying to fly high . She always had access to MH Services until she turned 16 then was placed on Fluoxetine 20mg. I suspect she was bipolar but we never got to find a solution that would work for her .
She wrote articulate suicide notes 5 days before she hanged herself. She was out with friends until 20 mins before she died. She had only had a few drinks according to the autopsy.

Very brave to do this thread OP - it must be difficult, but like you say, I hope it helps others.

You say the signs were there and visible when she was in your care - could you explain further. I sometimes worry about my teen seeming very 'down' - moody, quiet, spends a lot of time in her room. She's reluctant to open up much, keeps saying she's fine. No history of problems and she's looking at unis with a view to starting next September. How do you differentiate between 'normal' teen moodiness/angst and actual depression.

Hi there CClub,
We are so sorry to hear that your daughter took her own life, and we are grateful for your attempts to help others. We did get a couple of reports in from some of our users who were a bit worried that your title might be upsetting, so we have tweaked it ever so slightly. We hope you don't mind and once again offer our sympathy and gratitude.

Drivein to raise the profile of this situation is all I can do . I can't let anger creep in. She made a choice and if love could have saved her then she would still be here .
I don't want parents to feel worried- I would rather that this thread leads them to feel more secure in the policy their chosen Uni has. It never crossed my mind to check - I guess I assumed that if she was flagged as high risk (which she was) then they would alert me to any red flags. Xx

Just wanted to thank you for opening this up for discussion to potentially help others

Thank you OP, and my best wishes to your DD2.

Bigsandy- she started self harming at 13. She showed me the cuts and I was vigilant ever since . I have another DD and trust me , honestly, you would know the difference between a moody teenager and one that is deeply depressed or cutting . I am sure of it , having experience of both . It is absolutely every parents worse nightmare but in my daughters case the signs were so clear . We always had a good open relationship but her depression wore her down . Maybe I always knew it would xxx

I am really sorry I can't begin to imagine what you have been through. Drawing attention to it, alerting other parents for signs and pressuring the government to roll out an accessible network (and alerting parents to signs of MH issues and problems) can not happen soon enough.

bigsandy I was a teen who attempted this when I was a student. Looking back I could not open up at all (so if your dd is going through stages of talking with you this is good, but if there is total or near silence from a girl that would normally talk and chat to you this is definitely a flag) self harming, eating disorders and general severe anxiety are usually present but not always.

Does your dd have moments where she is happy, engaging with others and doing normal day to day things? Periods of low moods are normal. Extended periods running into weeks and months is not.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss xx

Could you please elaborate on the opt-in policy.
My child has just started at University but googling opt-in policy and the name of their University has brought up lots of unhelpful information!

They have had on-going MH issues for many years now, and to be honest - I think University will either be the making or breaking of them. However I have never seen them come alive and take so much responsibility for themselves since they got their place, as opposed to being at home making no effort to do anything, so going has to be a good thing.

Fingers crossed everything will be fine, but I want to do everything I can to keep them safe - from a distance!

Thank you.

I can't comment and not say how sorry I am for your loss.

I'm thinking of younger students - GCSE age. Last year we attended an information evening for parents about helping students to deal with stress. On the surface it was very reassuring - tell them stress and anxiety are normal and give them the tools to deal with it. That same night one of my daughter's friends took her own life.

How can we, as parents, know what is a "healthy" level of stress? When should we step it and seek outside help?