I left my husband for another man. AMA

[mrssapphirebright]

Just that really.

Family and friends -

I lost two really good friends because of it sadly.

My family were totally great, knew my marriage to exh wasn't great and we weren't happy. Totally accepted new man.

My exh only has his mother alive, she was also fine about it and we are still close.

My new dh's family have never accepted me though.

How did he find out that one of the children wasn't his?

When he left his exw she made a comment about it in an argument, but didn't take it seriously.

The doubt hung over him for ages until he went to court to get a dna test.

Wow. What a winner she was. That must have been a terrible blow. Had they already split up at that point? Does this mean he's off the hook for some of his child maintenance to his ex? How old is the child now?

Here in the US it wouldn't make much difference legally if the best interests of the child dictated that he maintain support.

Sorry, not enough coffee yet. She made the comment when he left. Still, what an awful thing.

Yea she threw it at him when he left. One of the reasons his marriage was in such a bad way was that she wanted another child and he didn't. he effectively knew his marriage was over and he'd made a mistake very quickly.

Its taken him years to sort though, but yes, he is now off the hook for child support. Very sad for all round though. The youngest child is now 7/8 i think.

It was quite brave of you to post this AMA, OP. Things are always more complicated than they appear on the surface and too many people stay in unfulfilling relationships when there could be a better way forward.

Good for you for making it work.

Why did you lose your friends?

Thank you MissConduct. I think people get a lot of stick on here for leaving a marriage, especially if there is someone else involved. We aren't all bad people though.

Why did i lose friends?

One friend was quite religious / traditional. She thought me and exdh should've worked on our marriage more. She thought i was silly and reckless and was going to screw my dc up ( as her parents had done when they split). It was hard not having her there for me and we ended up drifting apart as i felt she was judging me. She genuinely thought i was making the mistake of my life. When it turned out ok in the end we tried to re-build our friendship but it wasn't the same.

Another friend just totally flipped on me. Her dh had left her for OW a few years earlier and she was still bitter and broken over it (long divorce, custody battle etc). She just couldn't be friends with 'someone like me'. Very sad.

Both friendships were 5-10 year friendships.

How did you initiate the conversation with your ex? Did you tell him you had met someone or just keep to the facts of your relationship with him?

How long had he thought he was the father of the youngest - how old was the child when this was flung at him? Does he still see the youngest?

We were kind of at the stage or of marriage where we were rowing every few weeks. We had planned to tell our spouses on the Friday evening of a certain week. All planned out and i'd asked my SIL to watch the dc etc. Me and exh ended up having a row on the Saturday before, i stormed out and took the dc to my mothers, came back and told him there and then.

i do regret the way i did it, i was angry and it wasn't planned. I told him i'd had enough and i was done, we were over. he rolled his eyes and was like 'ok, whatever'. I said, 'its over, I'm in love with someone else and its made me realise that what we have isn't working anymore and hasn't for a long time'.

That was pretty much the start of the conversation.

How did your dh’s wife react when she found out about you?

I think it's sad that your marriage didn't work out, but really brave of you to make the change to be happy. I think lots of people try and stay together for the children, or because it's too hard to make the break.

I'm sure the children prefer to see their parents genuinely happy.

Dh's exw reacted badly. He sat her down the day after I told my exh. She drove to my place of work the next day and smacked me round the face. She had to be escorted off the premises and was arrested.

Dh moved into his mothers the same day. She threw all his stuff away, literally took it all to the top, clothes, valuables, IT equipment. She then broke down and spent the next 3 months begging him to come back.

It was a truely awful time and we couldn't really be there for each other as we were dealing with our own drama.

Looking back I guess it was brave. I think when I confessed to my exh that it was over, it was over regardless of OM. If things hadn't worked out with him then there was no going back. It was the nail in the coffin.

Do you have children with your now dh?

Do your friends/ exH believe that you had an affair and lied or that you left before being emotionally or physically unfaithful (i.e. left as soon as you decided you wanted to be with OM)?

No MrsCar. We did think about it, but decided against it. I worried about the dynamic that would bring on top of everything else. I'm early 40's now so it's prob too late anyway.
It took a while for my dh to accept he wouldn't get to have so with me. But he's ok with it now.
It is sad though, as you feel it's something we have missed out on.

I think my family think we cheated yes, but they don't say anything. Same with his. My friends know the truth and haven't doubted.
I think my ex initially thought I had, but there was so little scope for it. After a while he believed me, I was so open and honest with him and he knows me so well that I don't think he had much reason not to believe me.

I feel very sad for the people who were hurt by the end of your marriages. At the same time I genuinely believe that if you left in the way you describe here (no affair, lying about there being no one else, keeping spouses hoping, faking it through counselling etc as people have experienced) then you and now DH did the best thing you could in shitty circumstances. It must have taken a lot of courage to jump straight in not knowing if it was really going to work but from having that history I guess you also knew if it didn't work out you wouldn't have wanted your marriages back anyway.

That's right, we both knew our marriages were dead. God knows how long we would have kept going for.
It's hard being selfish. Very few people patted us on the back and said 'well done you did the right thing'. We were both living a lie in our marriages but somehow the world wants you to carry on like that.
It's such a fine line between right and wrong. Hurting my exh was the hardest thing I have done. And missing my kids when they are with him still stings years later, but we knew it was for the best.
I believe my dc are genuinely happier. My eldest remembers living with the anxiety of when the next row would be and hated exh for shouting at me.
Now they get to see what a happy marriage looks like. Not a perfect one, but a happy one.

Why don't his family accept you? Does he still have a relationship with them?

His family are odd. His parents are divorced, his dad is fine with me, but he's not close to his dad really and he's the type to get on with anyone.
His mum can't accept that her sons 'perfect family life' is shattered. His exw was like the daughter she didn't have and that relationship has gone. She has always seem dh as a bit of a golden boy so I was the evil woman who took him away.

She is nice to my face but doesn't invite my dc to any family gatherings and makes it obvious she doesn't like me. As a result dh has distanced himself from her and thus made it worse. She won't allow him to refer to my dc as his step kids and goes on about me and my dc draining him of cash (even though I earn more than him and pay for my own dc). She still has wedding pics up in her house of exw.

He has two brothers. The youngest in no contact with her and emigrated and the older brother and his wife have taken his mothers view on it all so he has little contact with them.
Very sad for dh as you like to think your family will support you. But you do see people's true colours when you go through shit.