I recovered from a personality disorder (BPD/EUPD) AMA

[LittleMissedTheSunshine]

Through intensive therapy I recovered from BPD (Borderline personality disorder) to the point I was told I no longer met the diagnostic criteria.

It has been an amazing journey from chronically seriously suicidal to happy with life.

AMA

Well done :) So many questions! Can you say what it is that made you willing and able to really engage with the therapy? What kind of therapy did you have? How long did it take from the beginning of therapy till your recovery point? Is there any chance of a relapse? What kind of wider support network did / do you have and how important was / is that for you?

LittleMissedtheSunshine, that is a very encouraging post.

Hi Lucky Twiglet. I'll try to answer your questions.

Can you say what it is that made you willing and able to really engage with the therapy? I was actually receiving therapy for something else, and the therapist was skilled in working with BPD patients and recognised the symptoms. I had had a nervous breakdown and very close to suicide, but decided for spiritual reasons (can't think of a better way of describing) that that wasn't an option. So something shifted on a very deep level for me.

How long did it take from the beginning of therapy till your recovery point? From when I started therapy until I had the breakthrough that changed everything (i.e. I had a fundamental breakthrough when I accepted responsibility for my life and began to accept myself) about 3 sessions. I remember this very clearly, I began to see myself without hatred for the first time ever. It was a pretty seismic breakthrough! From then until I was 'undiagnosed' around 5 years.. I was not in therapy all this time but I was definitely getting better and building on my success more and more.

Is there any chance of a relapse I very much doubt it. This was all 9 years ago. I am a completely different person now. I find it quite hard to related who I am now to who I was then if I'm honest. I'd describe it as being like a 'snake shedding it's skin' . I shed that old, disordered personality/identity and forged a new healthier one.

Support network I didn't have much of one to be honest and I kind of feel like it's a journey you have to make on your own. I did tell some friends and I felt they reacted negatively. It is very stigmatised.

I met my DH about a year after I was initially diagnosed, but didn't really tell him about it until later. He knows now, but it's not really a big part of my life anymore. It's something that had a massive impact on my past and my history, but it's not really pertinent in my present day life.

Happy to answer any more questions you may have!

Sorry forgot to say what kind of therapy I had - it was Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT) Amazing stuff, and I'd recommend it to anyone who is really ready to do the hard work of recovery.

This is so good to hear, LittleMissed, thank you for posting your experience.

I've only previously read of a pretty negative outlook for those with BPD so it's very encouraging to read your story. My ex-partner is BPD diagnosed - over the last 3.5 years I've tried to find out as much as I can and encourage him to explore some from of therapy. Hope it's not too rude / intrusive to ask if you accessed the therapy privately or via the NHS (if you're in the UK, that is)?

Thank you again, you've given me some hope that things can change for the better.

Well I have had the diagnosis for around four years now. I start therapy next month. Psychiatrist said I have struggled with it for getting on for 20 years undiagnosed, told I had depression and anxiety which I do but never treated for the rest of my symptoms. I now take meds to help alleviate the symptoms. I have been told due to late diagnosis (I’m 43) I likely will always meet the criteria although I will have a better quality of life . It’s good to hear that you can get to the stage where you don’t meet the criteria.

MynameisMaximus I'm sorry to hear about your partner. It absolutely is possible to recover completely, I am living proof of that. You have to be willing to accept responsibility for your life though, if you know what I mean? I had a very skilled therapist and i remember her gently asking me if I could see the part I played in all the dysfunctional patterns in my relationship. At first I thought she was blaming me, but then I had the breakthrough and I could see myself as not just a victim of life's circumstances, but the agent. The day I was diagnosed was also the day I had this breakthrough and it was simultaneously terrible and brilliant. But mostly brilliant, as I had hope and began to see that actually the way I was was not my fault, I was not this terrible despicable person (which I had always believed deep down) but just rather an unlucky one who'd got caught in a bit of a bad trap, psychoanalytically speaking. And in understanding the trap I could begin to break free of it.

I accessed the first 10 sessions on the NHS, initially for something else but the BPD diagnosis kind of took over. I then moved away from that city (this was already planned) and I'd kind of half recovered life was a lot better but still lots of issues.

I got the feeling I had to have more therapy a few years later this time I had it privately, I had around 30 sessions at £40 a time and by the end of it I was pretty sorted and had been undiagnosed. Therapist had to tell me I didn't need any more therapy or else I'd have kept going! I remember describing it as 'personal training for the soul!'

fantasmagoria I was diagnosed at the age of 33, please don't believe anyone who says you'll always meet the criteria as you just don't know. If you fully engage with with your therapy, with the right therapist, who knows what your recovery may look like. You need to look honestly at yourself though and have a determination to work it all out/through.

I always knew there was something wrong with me, and strangely looking back I feel like I always knew one day I'd find the solution. Looking back it always felt like there were two of me - a 'bad' me and a 'good/perfect' me, or the me I wanted to be (those who know about BPD will recognise this as splitting). I've managed to basically integrate those two versions of me so I can fuck up sometimes and not be a 100% bad person, just a normal human being who sometimes gets it wrong and sometimes gets it right.

@LittleMissedTheSunshine thank you again, your post makes perfect sense to me.

My relationship with my partner has been the hardest thing I've ever done - I love him deeply but he finds it almost impossible to sustain any relationships (family, romantic, friendships) for any length of time. The most difficult part for me has been trying to find the balance between bringing the BPD diagnosis into 'the conversation' (and risk him then telling me I'm shaming him) and walking on eggshells around it constantly and all the problems that causes.

Your point about taking responsibility resonates deeply - I am regularly blamed for pretty much everything. I see his pain and I feel deep love and compassion for him and the vulnerability I see in him deep down, even when he's lashing out, but really I'm way out of my depth and the relationship hasn't survived. He has ended it many times previously but it feels more final this time.

I'm so happy for you and how you have turned your life around so successfully. Inspiring

My best friend (in as much as that is possible I suppose) has been diagnosed with BPD for the last four years.

Do you think there is anything an 'external' person could have done to encourage you to access therapy? My friend just won't engage. She hates herself but simultaneously won't take any responsibility for her life and blames everyone else for things that have happened. It's hard.

Also - medication? My friend has tried all sorts of anti depressants, anti psychotics, you name it she's has it. I'm just not sure any of it is helping. Did you take medication?

mistermagpie I would say I had to see the light myself, I was lucky enough to be offered therapy (admittedly for something else as i had not been diagnosed with BPD at that time, it was for an eating disorder if anyone is interested) and I grabbed it with both hands.

I can relate to hating myself but simultaneously not taking responsiblity for my life and blaming others. If you think about it, the two things are related (well this is my take on it) If you hate yourself, how can you possibly take responsibilty for mistakes you've made or things you've done that weren't ideal, as it just hammers home what an absolute fuck-up you are. Its only when we accept ourselves that we can tolerate our own mistakes. But in owning them, it gives us the ability to be aware of them and the option to do something different.

As for medication, pre diagnosis I had anti-d's but they never really worked for me. They were a sticking plaster solution and in the end I didn't want to take them as I felt like my psychological pain needed to be listened to and the anti-d's were just numbing me. What worked for me was intensive psychotherapy with brilliant therapists, when I was ready for it.

I used to get suicidally depressed a few times a year, I'd feel like a pane of glass or ice was between me and the rest of the world. I've never had that since I was treated. I've been depressed (mildly) in relation to real depression-inducing life events but looking back that was completely different to the types of all consuming death-calling depressions I used to have. Looking back I'm surprised I survived. But I was never diagnosed with anything other than just common or garden depression, until this chance diagnosis that changed everything.

Sorry meant to say I was never diagnosed with anything other than depression or the eating disorder.. EDs v. common with BPD.

This is lovely to read OP. I have BPD and have tried various therapies (not CAT though) I am currently undertaking Schema Therapy and finding it useful. The success rate for schema therapy is very high so I'm optimistic. The thing I'm worried about is.. Do you still feel like you? BPD is a big part of who I am and admittedly there's certain aspects of it I quite like...My drive is very high, Im very passionate and adventurous and I can be calm and focused in times of crisis which are all thanks to my condition... I think.. as you know my sense of identity isn't great but I'm worried I will loose these characteristics when I'm 'cured. So my question is Do you still feel like you? X

ooh tough question DC2018... I don't feel like the me I used to be, no, I feel like a completely different person! But I feel like the me I am now if that makes sense. It's a much better me so I'm absolutely fine with that. I bloody hated myself before!

Before, there was me, who I despised and a version of me who I wanted to be (perfect version). Now, I like myself and although I'm not perfect I'm pretty happy with myself so I guess I've closed the gap between who I am and who I want to be. Wanting to be someone different to who you are isn't much fun.

The most astounding difference is how different people are to me. I used to be very difficult. prickly, needy and I didn't really have any close friends and relationships were non existent or fleeting. Now I'm a lot happier with myself and people get a different vibe off me so I find it much easier to make friends and gel with people.

So I kind of became that person I always wanted to be in a way. But I had to accept myself before others would and not the other way around.

Other aspects of my personality remain.. I'm quite lively/passionate although I can be anxious too. I don't think these things are particular to BPD though.

Basically when you're cured you'll become a better, healthier version of who you are now.

Hello, in your view, what generally causes BPD? Is it poor childhood experiences, genetics or a combination if both? What type of therapist specifically helps with this condition? Thanks.

This is interesting because i dont think you are typical of bpd patients. Most do not have your self awareness or desire to change. They firmly blame others and drop out of therapy. To recover from bpd takes patience and resilience and many are too unstable and dramatic to stick with it, hence why it is seen as untreatable. Also heard it said that if someone identifies as having bpd, they dont have bpd.

User in my case I had a difficult childhood, my mum was very unstable (personally I think she may have BPD herself although I'm not qualified to diagnose) and my dad left her when I was very young, I also had two elder brothers who would tease me and leave me out. So a lot of rejection very early on and I just blamed myself for all of it, and hated myself at a very deep level really. I was always seeking love and approval from others but experiencing nothing but rejection - they reflected my own self loathing back to me.

So what I think causes BPD is negative life events happening early in life, and the individual blaming themselves for these, thinking they must be a horrible person for these bad things to happen to them. One of my earliest memories is of thinking that - that i must be a horrible, worthless person. I was about 4. I carried this belief into my 30s. I personally think self-hatred is the cornerstone of this PD and I wonder if this lies between the lack of identity.. not so much a lack of identity so much as a rejection of one's own identity/self maybe?

Not sure what part genetics plays but there is a family history of mental illness, with a few suicides on one side of the family (this is called the 'family curse'). I was definitely very suicidal for most of my life, not all the time but at intervals, and attempted it twice in my youth.

As for therapy, I had CAT (cognitive analytical therapy) which was brilliant and I urge anyone reading this who is interested in treatment to check it out. It can be accessed on the NHS but only by the worst cases according to my therapist who is very busy with private work. It is time limited to 16-24 sessions (I had more out of choice) and at apx £40 a time that's an investment of, what £600-£800 to change/save your life.

onetimeposter in some ways I was very typical of BPD patients. I certainly met a number of the diagnostic criteria at my peak. What maybe sets me apart was that I was always seeking 'the way out', I knew there was something wrong I just didn't have a name for it. So it was a relief to be diagnosed. I didn't identify as having BPD until I was diagnosed, and I was relieved to be diagnosed as it gave me hope. I was also lucky enough to have a very, very good therapist who I trusted and she guided me out basically. As a good therapist should.

It's sad that you say a lot of BPD patients drop out of therapy. I'm sure there must be some who stay with it and get better too.

sorry about your childhood and very pleased you found such a good therapist to work with. My brother is diagnosed with BPD and I recognise elements of your history - unstable mother, teasing and feeling not good enough. We also have mental ill heath in the family.

onetime do you have BPD?

No i have bipolar. But know people with bpd.

Well done op. I also recovered from bod, spent a lot of time in hospital.

I have to say as I got well a lot of people around me were invested in me staying unwell. I guess I had lost those who hadn’t.

Did any of the bpd suffers find that they encountered stigma from mental health services?

Hi OP, just coming on here to give you a 🙌

Whilst I've never been diagnosed with EUPD i certainly have traits of it and CAT changed my life!

This is interesting because i dont think you are typical of bpd patients. Most do not have your self awareness or desire to change. They firmly blame others and drop out of therapy. To recover from bpd takes patience and resilience and many are too unstable and dramatic to stick with it, hence why it is seen as untreatable. Also heard it said that if someone identifies as having bpd, they dont have bpd.

What a load of nonsense! Most of my patients have EUPD and they are desperate to recover!

Yes, uneducated nonsense.

Yes fruit but many don't have insight to realise that they are the cause of their relationship problems and that these stem from their fear of abandonment. I've worked with women with bpd who seriously self harm and who have competitively self harmed against each other-these are women on the lowest functioning of the spectrum of PD but they would never even think that their behaviour was wrong-they'd blame the other woman for causing them to do that.
Similarly, loads of BPD patients want to spend loads of time in hospital, and be looked after because they cannot manage their feelings-evidence has demonstrated that hospitalisation makes bpd worse as it encourages dependence on MH professionals which is not advised, because many people are often in crisis and unable to reach the stability even to cope with therapy.
BPD patients have the highest drop out rate of therapy in all the psychiatric disorders.
Of course they want to recover, but many will say 'I'm just waiting to be happy' as though they have no agency in the matter. What I was saying to OP was that she was unique in that she realised she did have the responsibility to change and get better. Many many patients will never accept this.