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AMA

I lost my virginity when I was fourteen

30 replies

dmvnqpkejnvejrfnpwdkfjvn · 24/08/2018 07:25

AMA

OP posts:
2anddone · 24/08/2018 07:29

Snap! How old are you? I think that age was quite common at my school (I am Early 40's). Did you intend to lose your virginity or did it just happen in the heat of the moment? mine was a fumble that went too far and didn't think it through til after

Dhalandchips · 24/08/2018 07:32

Me too. No big deal. It was lovely.

BillywigSting · 24/08/2018 07:36

Same here

I honestly don't regret it, it was really no big deal. Do you?

dmvnqpkejnvejrfnpwdkfjvn · 24/08/2018 07:36

I'm 49 now.

I didn't intend to, it all happened very quickly without me really realising.

OP posts:
dmvnqpkejnvejrfnpwdkfjvn · 24/08/2018 07:36

Yes I regret it.

OP posts:
QueenOfMyWorld · 24/08/2018 07:44

Yep me too

KnotsInMay · 24/08/2018 07:46

I was 14 too.

Did you talk to any of your friends about it?

TooTrueToBeGood · 24/08/2018 07:49

I didn't intend to, it all happened very quickly without me really realising.

Did you actually consent? Obv you couldn't legally before anyone points that out.

Livinglavidal0ca · 24/08/2018 07:55

Me too! Was fine, nothing special, was with a boyfriend. Everyone else had done it and I think I was ready!
Still think the age of consent should be 16 though. I think it’s a good flat base.

KanielOutis · 24/08/2018 09:10

I was 13. I wouldn't have done it had I felt love at home. I confused love with sex and wanted to be loved. It's not uncommon.

StarfishSandwich · 24/08/2018 09:16

I was 14, fairly normal amongst my peers I think. It wasn’t anything special really but we cared very much for one another and were having fun. I’ve always thought of virginity as this massive big deal to be a rather patriarchal and irrelevant construct. I don’t think I’m irreparably harmed by having had sexual experiences early on (was ‘sexually active’ for 18 months or so prior to losing my virginity).

dmvnqpkejnvejrfnpwdkfjvn · 24/08/2018 20:46

@KnotsInMay I went straight to my best friends and gave her my knickers to wash!

OP posts:
dmvnqpkejnvejrfnpwdkfjvn · 24/08/2018 20:47

@TooTrueToBeGood no. I didn't. I didn't really understand what was going to, or did happen.

OP posts:
BaconHead · 24/08/2018 20:49

I was 13, felt so old at the time!

TooTrueToBeGood · 24/08/2018 20:59

no. I didn't. I didn't really understand what was going to, or did happen.

I thought not. Sorry that happened to you. Time doesn't heal all wounds and the fact you started this thread makes me wonder if it hasn't healed yours. Might not do any harm to think about talking to someone qualified to help you. Sorry if I'm overstepping boundaries.

dmvnqpkejnvejrfnpwdkfjvn · 24/08/2018 23:14

@TooTrueToBeGood very intuitive and spot on.

I've only now begun to realise the enormity of it all but despite me being with him for four years until I was 18 (he was 19 when I was 14) I realised I was groomed and repeatedly although not forcefully raped. I was unable to consent both in law and in person as I didn't have the emotional maturity.

He recently tried to add me on Facebook and its opened it all up. I was so angry. I've spoken to my friend who has extensive safeguarding training and knowledge and she's helped me to make sense of it a little.

However that experience has without doubt meant that a lot of decisions I made after that were based upon that one abusive inappropriate relationship.

What's stopping me taking any action as far as the police go is:

How do I prove it, although my GP prescribed me the pill at the time
At the time it wasn't deemed to be abusive, the culture was so different
We've both moved on, he's got a family and deep down I wonder if he really knew he was doing wrong, no doubt he knew what he was doing though.

I should add I was 32 before I "gave" myself completely to another man, I have only ever made love with and orgasmed with my current husband because it took me that long to trust and to be able to be physically and emotionally vulnerable.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 24/08/2018 23:21

Flowers to you op. So sorry.
I had a nasty start to sex too, and it’s left lifelong scars, but therapy really really helped with the fear and pain, and being triggered by half the songs/ news stories / films that I ever saw.
Do follow through with the law if you want a fight( and a fight helps a lot of abuse survivors).
The Courage To Heal is a great book that helped me loads.
You are not alone .

TooTrueToBeGood · 25/08/2018 07:39

Have you considered counselling? You've suffered a massive and prolonged trauma at a very young age and have carried it all your life. You may have tucked it away in the darkest recesses of your mind but it's always been there, you know this. A good counsellor should help you unravel all your thoughts and emotions and make some sense of it, maybe find some peace. They won't tell you what to do but they will help you connect with that frightened and confused 14 year old child that's still trapped inside you.

At 18 he absolutely knew what he was doing. I think whether you go to the police or not should be a decision made based purely on what you want to do, not whether you think there's a chance of successful prosecution (let the police and cps worry about that). If you want to try and get justice, make him answer for his actions, then do so. Equally, if you decide you don't want to go down that route, that's fine too. As long as it's your decision and what you want then it's the right thing to do.

dmvnqpkejnvejrfnpwdkfjvn · 25/08/2018 09:06

@Ohyesiam and @TooTrueToBeGood thank you both, good advice and I think deep down I know I need to face this, have counselling and make sense of it. Part of me is angry that he doesn't appear to have any idea of the damage he did to me.

OP posts:
IsTheRainEverComingBack · 25/08/2018 09:09

I’m sorry you feel that way. Counselling could definitely help.

I had sex at 14 and lots after that, I don’t regret it and I don’t feel I was pressured.

TooTrueToBeGood · 25/08/2018 09:43

I haven't been through what you've been through but i did have counselling for my own deep emotional trauma. I actually started off getting counselling for a relatively recent traumatic event but the counsellor worked on that with me relatively quickly and then uncovered something much deeper going back to my childhood. It took quite a few sessions (10 or 12) but it really was life-changing for me and you'd have been hard pressed to find someone more cynical than i was beforehand. Please think about it. I can't promise you the same degree of positive outcome that i had but i think you can see that you aren't self-healing so why not think about giving professional help a chance? Your anger against him is completely understandable but he'll keep. Look after yourself as the first priority, however you decide to do that, and then if you do ultimately decide to call him to account you will have the strength you need to deal with that.

Ohyesiam · 25/08/2018 09:59

Yes op, it just doesn’t impact them does it?
If you go for therapy, you don’t need to necessarily go back over it unless it would be to unburden yourself. The most effective therapy I’ve had focused on dealing with current feelings and behaviour.
I just say this in response to you mention face nag up to it.
I know it feels like a mountain to climb, but it’s really really liberating xx

30hours · 25/08/2018 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

30hours · 25/08/2018 22:53

WRONG THREAD! PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES!!!

Mrshunterx · 25/08/2018 22:53

Snap

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