I'm a pilot's wife, AMA

[rubyjude]

If it's of any interest to anyone of course!

DP has similar issues Polarsky. He’s now a short haul captain, TRE and TRI with 20 years seniority with a short haul airline. Now we have two under two, I think long haul would be easier than all the 3 am starts/finishes and random standbys, but he’d be retired before he got a captaincy again!

I too love that people think it’s glamorous. DP says he’s a glorified taxi driver ,,, TIL things go wrong!

People's attitudes tend to change towards you when they find out,

Op, in what way do people's attitudes change towards you?

The nasties are out in force on this one! What sad little people hiding behind a Mumsnet name being horrible.

• "It is a job that isn’t really conducive to family life, although it sounds v glamorous the reality is you’re having to hold everything together at home. Personally I wouldn’t find this at all easy. As far as the reputation that pilots have, I would always have the expectation that this could happen to me. I’m not saying your husband is but only how I would feel". It's not really conducive to a "normal" family life, no. It's different, that's for sure. But again, I think it's horses for courses - what works for one family wouldn't work for another, etc. It's not easy at all. It's very difficult. Not as hard as some have it. But still, not easy. As for the cheating expectation - hmmm....I try not to think about it. I mean, I guess it comes down to my own confidence, or lack thereof, in myself. I mean, who am I, at the end of the day? "Just" a mother. I would feel worse about it all had I not been with him years before the career change. But it's not easy ,I mean, he has young, beautiful women (as well as older women, men, etc), throwing themselves at him and doing anything they can sometimes to get into his room/get a date/get him on his own, all the time, despite the fact he's married and has children (it's happened with me there! I was like....hi, I'm the wife? And they look at you like, why is someone like YOU with someone like HIM? It's a bit depressing, but as I've got older it washes over me more now). As it is, my children look at me, tell me they love me, and in the end their love is worth more than worrying if he'll cheat etc. If he does, more fool him! Let's hope not though, haha.

-"Op, in what way do people's attitudes change towards you?" - Mostly it's not too bad. One of the other mothers at the school was sneary of me when she found out I was "just" a SAHM, and made the odd snide ribby comment about it, which doesn't bother me. When she eventually, months and months later, asked directly what husband did, her whole attitude changed - she now bounds over to us, all chummy. It's a bit confusing. The other two mothers who asked, one is the same, and one now seems to expect us to suddenly go on exotic holidays even though we already say we don't go away. She's still a nice person about it though. and Other times we've been at friend's weddings etc and people we don't know have asked him the "so what do you do?" question and haven't been happy with the "I work in tourism" response and have probed further. They then either fall into the 1) fascinated camp, who ask lots of questions, which is totally fine, they're just curious. 2), the "oh I know all about aeroplanes!" camp (always men), and proceed to lecture him on everything aeroplane for the next two hours, 3) the suddenly "you must be a stuck up snob" kind of attitude camp (promptly walks away/whispers about us until they get shot down by people who actually know us etc), and the 4th camp of fawning all over him and trying to kiss him (has happened about three times whilst I've been standing there, and a further few times when I've left to use the bathroom. Mostly older women, though, and they've been drunk, so, that hasn't helped).

OP Do you find people make assumptions about your income and lifestyle? I no longer say DP is a pilot as I get fed up of people making comments like ‘well you can afford it on his salary’ when he earns no more than -say - SLT in a secondary school (in fact he gets less!). What’s more, I can’t work (in terms of my career/profession) at present due to his erratic and inconsistent hours. Wondered if you find the same?

Re the cheating aspect, even my own bloody MIL has made comments about all of the beautiful cabin crew he must work with and don't you worry about it (wink wink)

My response was - if he's going to cheat then obviously I'd be incredibly hurt, but as I earn the same as him, I don't need him financially so crack on, if he so wishes! That shut her up.

OP I'm sorry if you've felt looked down upon for being a SAHM, whilst your husband has this 'ultra glam' job. Some people are very narrow minded.

like, sometimes they've been mugged, they need armed escort now for a couple of African destinations, that can be a bit scary.

Good grief

I suppose they’re an easy target in their uniforms.

Thank you for this thread, OP. It’s really interesting and your responses to some of the vitriol are impressively calm and dignified.

Do pilots go through the same security at airports as we do?

We once saw one skip the line and people were furious, missing the point entirely that there’s not much use in them getting on the plane ahead of the pilot as it’s probably not going to go anywhere

Rufus - yes, yes, and yes again! Which is why we never tell anyone. Even my own mum thought we could just magic up a whole house deposit for a family member.

-"My response was - if he's going to cheat then obviously I'd be incredibly hurt, but as I earn the same as him, I don't need him financially so crack on, if he so wishes! That shut her up". This made me chuckle. Agree!!

-"I suppose they’re an easy target in their uniforms" - It actually happens when they're dressed normally and are total numpties and wear flashy washes etc in very poor countries with high crime rates. DH hasn't personally been mugged, because he never wears flashy things (plus he lived in very poor countries when he was younger and has seen what it's like for people trying to feed a family when the local Government is corrupt and there;s no benefits etc to fall back on, or social housing), but he's been with people who have because, even though they've laughed at him for "looking scruffy", and he's tried to tell them you don't go around wearing stuff that costs more than most people earn in years of work, they haven't listened. Also, some locals know where the designated crew hotels are, and know sometimes the pilots forget where they are and wear expensive watches etc, so the crew buses make for rich targets. Hence armed guard to and from the hotel, and in the case of Jo-burg, at the hotel reception itself.

Hey rubyjude,

Thanks so much for putting this post out there. I have a husband that is on long haul too. He has recently changed from a short haul to a long haul airline, and we have a little tot, so would be really helpful to get any tips on how to manage the sleep situation. He recons he just needs one day off before and after his flights to get back on track, do you think that's realistic?

Cheers!

-"Do pilots go through the same security at airports as we do?'- There's designated crew security lanes that only they and cabin crew can go through. They go through the scanners etc, and get asked the same questions etc, but as they are on a tight turn around sometiems etc, they and the cabin crew have to get to the hotels asap to rest.

See, what I find interesting here is how it is so hard for you to hold the fort, do all the parenting etc..... And I'm not meaning this in a nasty way.

We have the opposite situation, I go away and leave DH at home with the kids . when I am home I do everything in the house and with kids, I then run around like an idiot prepping everything for whilst I'm away (food, shopping, laundry, school stuff, house work) All DH has to do is get them up and to school and throw some food in the oven. It is exhausting for me! Admittedly though I am part time and DH has a full time job, and I tend to work his days off.
Just musing really on the gender issues, though I accept it would probably ( possibly) be different if OP was working outside the home too.

Oh, and believe me, the majority of cabin crew have no desire whatsoever to sleep with pilots

Thank you for answering my questions

Interesting. My DP is also a pilot but works in the private sector so just flies 1 family. We moved to Asia a few years ago when DP was made redundant and have since started a family. I've often wondered if life would be easier if he worked for an airline or not. The way it is now, he is always on call, has very little official 'leave' and can be away for anything for 1 night to 3 weeks at a time. On the other hand, he can sometimes be at home for 3 weeks at a time which is fantastic! I love the idea of him having an actual roster so we can plan our weeks, months ahead. There is more money to be made in the private sector, but his flying hours are so slow to build up and means Captaincy is still a long way away!
Not sure which is the better deal!!

Also in the last 10 years I think we've only had about 2 Christmas's together!

-"He recons he just needs one day off before and after his flights to get back on track, do you think that's realistic?" - I think that depends, on your husband, on you, and on the child? My DH for example could do that at that start when he was younger, but now it's been a number of years the effect has been cumulative and he's now pretty much permanently tired. He also now snores, which he never did pre career change, due to the tiredness, so now we're both tired all the time. He now needs a lot longer to get over tiredness, and we will sleep in separate rooms to help with that (one gets to rest and catch up, one gets up for the kids).

-"I then run around like an idiot prepping everything for whilst I'm away (food, shopping, laundry, school stuff, house work)" - HATS OFF to you!!! That must be so exhausting to have to do everything, I hope you get to have a break yourself sometimes?

-"Oh, and believe me, the majority of cabin crew have no desire whatsoever to sleep with pilots" - This. It's mostly either the freshly joined, or the freshly divorced, in my experience. But most are lovely. You get that in all walks of life though.

-" I love the idea of him having an actual roster so we can plan our weeks, months ahead" - We get maybe 3-4 weeks notice, and can't plan far ahead as his roster is only released a few weeks in advance. I can only imagine it must be tiring for your DH though being on call constantly? Ah yes, the Christmas thing, they must want him on call for that too huh? I sympathise! We're lucky in that we've had every christmas together with the kids, at least one day anyway, before he's off again boxing day etc. We've not had a New Years, a birthday, or Valentines etc together for years, but it's fine because we just put it off until later. For the kids sake, it's most important he can be home for them on special events, but yes, it must be harder for you guys certainly thatyou can't have any control over when he's home?

Thanks for the reply. It sounds really tough on you guys. Has your husband considered going part-time, if you can afford it?

" Ah yes, the Christmas thing, they must want him on call for that too huh? I sympathise!" Yes 3 pilots on the plane so all of them required if flying long haul which they always do at Christmas!!! I have a big family so no issues with spending Christmas with them. But it's hard on DP and I imagine will be on the DCs once they are old enough to notice! Still, it's not all bad - we have a good life and while we're abroad can afford for me to be a SAHM as well as save some money each month.

love the idea of him having an actual roster so we can plan our weeks, months ahead

Slumberparty
He gets his roster two weeks in advance if we are lucky. No two weeks are ever the same and no one/two days off ever the same. To request a specific day off, he has to give three months' notice. This was even the case when he wanted a day off to attend court to adopt our son! He once went for over a year with no weekends off (when I was working Monday to Friday)!

What I want to know is - how long has he been a pilot and what is his total annual income from the job?

@rubyjude Yes, you may be right about younger ones (although I never did), but please don't think the worst of all cabin crew. Or pilots for that matter, not everyone cheats. (I guess for those that do want to though, it's pretty easy to get away with )

I hope you get a break too (I enjoy time to myself down route - there is generally time to catch up on sleep!). It's just interesting how women and men do take on different roles!

I may have misunderstood but is becoming a Captain just based on hours accrued then? Does it happen automatically when they get the correct number? Do they have to apply/be interviewed etc

A friend I have from a baby group is a pilot, flew the plane to her own wedding and takes her husband and baby all over! So cool!

What do you do OP - SAHP, work from home, go out to work? I assume pilot hours are ticky to work around.

-"Has your husband considered going part-time, if you can afford it?" - Yes we've considered it but for now he's trying to work off the debt first. Part time later.

-"What I want to know is - how long has he been a pilot and what is his total annual income from the job?" About...12 years? Something like that? And his pay varies. Around £3-4k plus or so per month, after tax. Most goes on debt, mortgage, and into pension.

-"but please don't think the worst of all cabin crew" Most we know are absolutely lovely, and are very good friends. Like any profession, there's blips, but yes, most seem to have no intention., though there are horror stories.

-"I may have misunderstood but is becoming a Captain just based on hours accrued then? Does it happen automatically when they get the correct number? Do they have to apply/be interviewed etc" From what I understand it is. You need the hours and therefore the experience, and I think I remember him saying you have to apply, then be interviewed. There's a current surplus though so he won't be getting it anytime soon.

-"A friend I have from a baby group is a pilot, flew the plane to her own wedding and takes her husband and baby all over! So cool! " - That is VERY cool. A couple of his friends are female pilots, their partners stay at home and either work part time or are stay at home dads.

-"What do you do OP - SAHP, work from home, go out to work? I assume pilot hours are ticky to work around" - Currently I'm mainly a SAHM. I have a part time job I run myself from home I try and do but it's difficult at the moment until they are all in school. When I can I will work full time during the day from home. I used to work full time outside of the house but we never saw each other and it came to a head that we had to decide what to do.

GeorgeTheHippo To put the pay in perspective, many pilots will have massive debts from training costs (towards £100,000 unless you have wealthy family or a decent sponsorship) and the starting salary for a FO with the airline DP is with is about £19,000. I was really surprised by this. When you move to a new company/model you sometimes get charged for re training (or else you are ‘bonded’) in order to get a new type rating.