I'm a pilot's wife, AMA

[rubyjude]

If it's of any interest to anyone of course!

Thank you for answering my questions.
I'm another terrified flyer and have only flown twice and never since having my children over 18 years ago.
Has your DH ever had any really scary experiences?
Mine and DH's first flight was on our honeymoon and the turbulence scared the shite out of me! We spoke to seasoned flyers at the hotel and they said it had been really bad! So is turbulence dangerous?
Also hate when it banks on its side!
I wish I loved flying

Why is it depressing @Nothisispatrick?
I find it fascinating to hear of other people's life experiences, whether it's their own or from the spouses view.
I'm just not sure why it's 'depressing'?

-"Does he actively parent and do a fair share when he's home or do you end up carrying everything? Is it difficult to adjust to him being back?" - Yes, he does actively parent, and we do equal share when he's home (after he's rested). He's always been like this though, ever since we were younger, so I was foreseeing he'd hopefully be the same after we started a family. It is difficult sometimes to adjust, but more so for the children's sake - they miss him horribly when he's gone, and don't understand why sometimes he can't do a video call (when he's in countries like some of the African ones he goes to, or China, whatsapp and/or wifi is blocked so sometimes we can't speak to him for days at a time. Depending on where he is connection is also poor too, and that makes them upset, so calming them down can be difficult as they can't process the emotion of missing him desperately).

Annarex you are nasty.

Op, does your husband have any fears regarding terrorism?

Even if Brexit isn't an issue, would you like to try living in different countries since you can whilst the kids are young?

-'So many AMA about being a someone's wife. It's a bit depressing'. I can understand what you mean, but it's more of a description of how it might affect a lifestyle together, if that makes sense. Plus, I am someone's wife, so, can't really change that fact.

_"Has your DH ever had any really scary experiences? " -Hmm, mostly bad turbulence, nothing horrifically bad I would say. Sometimes the weather is so bad it makes landing difficult, and sometimes they get lightening strikes but the planes are built to withstand that so it's never been that bad. Mostly it's actually bad experiences when he's physically been landside in other countries - like, sometimes they've been mugged, they need armed escort now for a couple of African destinations, that can be a bit scary. Also, I hate it when it banks too! I've vomited so many times, I'm a terrible flier.

"Op, does your husband have any fears regarding terrorism?" - No, not really I would say. The cockpit is secured up to the hilt these days, getting through airport security is tight as well, and they have training constantly for it. He was also held at gunpoint as a kid, and regularly experienced street violence in the country he was living in at the time, so coming face to face with that level of aggression/fear wouldn't be too much of a surprise, maybe?

Credentials - DH commissioned to make a two year study of effects on aviation industry of leaving the EU. It ain't pretty.

DH a pilot-reject by any chance? Hence the fucking venom

'"Even if Brexit isn't an issue, would you like to try living in different countries since you can whilst the kids are young?" - Our oldest has anxiety issues so, for the moment, laying down roots for him and building up his confidence in the form of an expected daily routine is the most important thing, otherwise yes, we would've loved to have done that if possible to one or two countries. Maybe one day it will be possible when the oldest is more settled/confident, but for now, we'll stay in the one place and try and give them a few years of living here.

Mine's a pilot too - it's caused a lot of stress since having a child. He is short haul.

Is long haul better for family life, in your opinion?

I don’t have any questions. One of my BILs is a pilot and I can definitely say he doesn’t cheat, in response to ‘every pilot is a cheat’.

My best friend is a pilot and I say "my friend X is a pilot" because I am very proud of her.

Was about to ask the same as polarsky. Mine currently does short haul and now we have a young family, this can be difficult. Do you think long haul would be easier or worse? It’s hard for me to be able to work when no two weeks of his roster are ever the same.

Really don’t agree that most pilots cheat. Dated stereotype. Most I know are too knackered to!

I’m sorry you are dealing with the now usual bitchiness of Mumsnet. OP, just wanted to say thank you, my son wants to train to be a pilot and this is giving me an idea about how it impacts in family life.

Well done for holding the fort so we’ll on your own and keeping a job at the same time (and your immense graciousness in dealing with the extremely nasty posts in this thread).

-"Is long haul better for family life, in your opinion?" - Oh, gosh yes, my many, many miles, for us anyway. Being gone for longer days has it's own problems with kids involved - they cry and say they miss him, where's daddy? etc, BUT he gets to take them to school, he gets to pick them up from school, when he's home, as opposed to short haul where he's gone before they wake up and back after they're in bed. He could get his Captaincy, and therefore more money, faster by going back to short haul but it's not worth doing that to the family. He's said he'll never go back.

-"Really don’t agree that most pilots cheat. Dated stereotype". They are actually sternly told during training NOT to cheat. It reflects badly on the company when it all goes tits up. Some do, still, as do some in all professions.

• "my son wants to train to be a pilot and this is giving me an idea about how it impacts in family life". No problem. How old is your son, if I may ask? Training is easier with no children involved, both financially (it costs around £80,000 to train, and that's without any other income to buy food with, pay bills etc for the two years it takes to get certified), and time-wise (my husband was studying from 5am sometimes for a few hours before class, then again in the evening, and all weekend. Testing is done weekly, and you MUST get over I think 80% minimum each time as even one module fail will mean the top companies won't hire you. It is stupendously stressful).

How does the work life balance impact on your relationship? Do you feel you still get plenty of time together and have a healthy relationship despite the time apart?

Omw😯 Just wow!! Some people on here sure have some inner bitch just screaming to get out!!
I find these threads interesting. Some more than others. Thanks for sharing ruby and rising above the pointless nastiness from a certain few posters on here.

Interesting re long haul, thanks.

Mine is looking at captain in the next year or so hence sticking at short haul but the days can be brutal.

The problem is, if he goes long haul he's looking at 10 yrs plus for captain - so would we rather have the money or a better life?

-"Well done for holding the fort so we’ll on your own and keeping a job at the same time". Gosh, bless you, that's kind of you to say. To be honest, it helps I'm an introvert - it's a lonely life, and I've not always done so well parenting-wise. It's not easy when the lion's share is completely down to you (which I'm sure single parents are well aware of, seeing as they have to do it all the time on their own). I've struggled a lot over the years, and have lost count of the times I've googled "I'm a terrible mother". I've only just been able to start working part time as well, and at the moment it's more a hobby than a job, but hopefully will be able to do it full time during the day when they're all in school.

-"How does the work life balance impact on your relationship? Do you feel you still get plenty of time together and have a healthy relationship despite the time apart?" - Well, it's been a kind of sad process in that I had to grow a bit numb towards him, in terms of dealing with his absence. It's changed our relationship very much, but we've grown together and have adapted. It helps we are very, very similar - same interests, same loves, same ideas and thought processes, etc. We're both happy in each other's company, and neither of us were ever clubbing/pub types and are more homebodies, so in that sense we might be boring to other people but it works well for us relationship-wise, so it's still healthy. We spend time together in the evenings and don't need to do long talks and conversations etc, and our "date nights" are spent watching movies in the house together with a nice meal one of us has cooked. We try and message when he's downroute, but it's not a major deal if it's not possible.

-"Thanks for sharing ruby and rising above the pointless nastiness from a certain few posters on here"- It's nice to talk to people, to be honest. Also, this is why we never tell people what he does. Only three parents from the school have found out, and that was only becuase they directly asked what he specifically does as I tend to fudge around it and say he's in travel or tourism or something similar when they wonder at the odd hours he shows up to stuff, haha. People's attitudes tend to change towards you when they find out, but most who have known us for a while before finding out don't act differently, which is nice.

-"The problem is, if he goes long haul he's looking at 10 yrs plus for captain - so would we rather have the money or a better life?" - This is exactly the issue we have faced. We decided in the end to do long haul, for a couple of reasons - one, he would get to live his dream of visiting the country he loves regularly, which he couldn't do on short haul. For him, it made him happier on the inside to be able to be in that country, and was worth it on that alone over the money. 2) Yes, it's 10 years. It's a long time for promotion, but for us personally the disruption to family life wasn't worth it. Money-wise, he still earns a great amount after years as First Officer. We have massive debts from his training and moving to a bigger house to accommodate the kids, but, as a couple, we don't spend much at all each month. I don't buy clothes or bags or stuff like that, purely because it gets wrecked by the kids and to be honest, it doesn't have much of a point to have right now, if ever. We don't eat out, don't go to the cinema, don't go on holidays so, we save a lot that way. It's obviously not for everyone but for us it's worth it for him to stay on long haul rather than go for a much bigger paycheque and promotion.

and 3) For the kids sake, they'd be happier with it this way. It was afwul trying to dealing with the odd hours when he was on short haul, and he himself wouldn't go back now, though if we were childless it might be different.

Mine isn't bothered about going to specific counties so he wouldn't go long haul for that reason, but I also work full time so LH may be more difficult in terms of managing things at home?

I had no idea it cost so much to train!

This thread is brilliant, thanks OP!

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with all the jealous comments.

It is a job that isn’t really conducive to family life, although it sounds v glamorous the reality is you’re having to hold everything together at home. Personally I wouldn’t find this at all easy. As far as the reputation that pilots have, (I know of two where marriages have broken down because of cheating ) I would always have the expectation that this could happen to me.
I’m not saying your husband is but only how I would feel.

Sorry I know this isn't my thread but I had to chuckle about it being glamorous