Im 22 and engaged to someone 16 years older. Ask me anything

[Laulouel]

I'm 22 and my fiancée is 38 - this normally gets a lot of opinions. Ask me anything.

How do you deal with said opinions?

I’m 26 and my DP is nearly 40, previously married with 3 kids- one is only 4 years younger than me and I was actually friends with her before meeting her dad (didn’t meet through her, found him on tinder). One is a teen and the other is 11.

Mum and dad aren’t aware but closest friends are and have divided opinions about it.

why do you think anyone is interested in this? I don't understand

Do you typically like older men or is there something different about him that attracted you to him?
Do you have much in common?

@RebeccaWrongDaily You wouldn't believe the amount of opinions, abuse and general stick I have taken due to this in the last few years. Its a stigma that needs to be broken so just offering my insight. If you don't care, don't read it x

@jellypeanuts A lot of fake laughing. People will literally say things in front of your face that almost make him sound like a paedo, and it breaks my heart. People will always have opinions and I often find the people who have positive ones don't voice them so I get a lot of negatives. He doesn't have any kids so I'm not sure in regards to that though.

@RafikiIsTheBest Before I met him, if anyone had said I'd be with someone his age I would of said no chance. All my boyfriends had been about 3 years older, maximum. It took some adjusting to but I'm so in love with the person he is that I can't let 16 years get in the way of it.

@RafikiIsTheBest There are some noticeable differences with things from a childhood and what was popular then etc, but we love all the same music and television and have the same sense of humour.

What do you talk about when you meet his friends? Is he young-minded or are you more mature? My DH is older and apart from current affairs I have very little in common with his friends (especially the wives, as they already have children & tend to stick together). I can find some big gatherings a bit of a chore as it's hard to relate.

You wouldn't believe the amount of opinions, abuse and general stick I have taken due to this in the last few years

So you started dating when you were a teenager and he was in his mid-30's?

@SheGotBetteDavisEyes I was 19 yes

My husband is 17 years older than me, we met when I was 20 - been together 8 years and have never had a single negative thing said to us, so I'm sorry you've had so much stick for having a relationship with a big age gap

All my boyfriends had been about 3 years older, maximum

You started dating your current bf when you were in your teens?

@EatSleepRantRepeat I never expected to but I get on with his friends amazingly, we don't all meet up much but when we do it's a group of about 20 of them, his sister is also in his friend group and I'm very close to her. The group is off all different ages ranging from 22-40 and it's remarkable how good friends we all are, we've gone on group holidays and never struggle for conversation. People make their jokes, but it's all in good humour.

What kind of people are you spending time with?! My DH and I are very similar I age to you and your finance. We have been together for years and the only one calling him a pedo is me (we share a very off sense of humour). No one else has ever said a thing beyond the usual oh your getting married congratulations etc.

It doesn't bother me, OP, but I do think you're crazy! You are the one who'll end up living with a much older man - he'll be okay because you'll be younger, fitter and able to work longer. When he's older he's okay as you'll care for him (like it or not.)

There is absolutely nothing to envy in a young woman marrying a much older man - I feel sorry for you, tbh.

Do you worry about the future eg when you’re 40 and he’s 56?

@Racecardriver Our friends joke in good humour, it's not the people I spend time with that are the issue. I find work colleagues often say "well I'm 38 and I couldn't be a with a child" amongst other things. It's often gossiped about by his staff that he has a "sugar baby", and even sometimes acquaintances will make really snide comments about it.

People will literally say things in front of your face that almost make him sound like a paedo, and it breaks my heart

I find this very odd as well. You're 22. I'm no stranger to age gap relationships and never encountered this kind of thing.

You obviously have though, so I'd steer clear of people who make such inappropriate remarks.

@HollowTalk Definitely don't need your sympathy. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. He could live a long healthy life and not need to be 'cared for' in any more way than just by being his wife. I could need caring for before he does. I could marry someone my own age and still end up caring for them. Life works in funny ways.

@hollowtalk you forget the ten to twenty years that you get of stability and support at the beginning of the relationship that you are unlikely to get from a younger man though. It's a trade off but both parties benefit from the age gap.

@ferntwist Not really. I know plenty of 50+ year olds my father included that are fitter and healthier than some younger men. And at the end of the day, what's the difference then to now?!

No reason why you can't get stability and support from a guy in his twenties!

@HollowTalk I've been with men my age and it hasn't worked out, for one reason or another I've been unhappy. I meet someone I click with, have so much in common with, constantly laugh with and I should say no because I may end up caring for him? I have a gorgeous fiancée, a lovely home, a dog and were trying for a baby. I couldn't even get a text back from most guys my age who the majority just care about partying and generally hooking up. There's more to a person than their age.

Do you want children? Have you considered the age gap in regards to this. If you want them but not until you are 30 then he will be 46. He will be 66 when they are 20 and maybe at Uni. What if you don't want them until you are 35? then he will be 51, and 71 when they are 20. This is without considering any difficulties with possible fertility.

@Tinty We both want children, and are currently ttc and very excited about it