Im 22 and engaged to someone 16 years older. Ask me anything

[Laulouel]

I'm 22 and my fiancée is 38 - this normally gets a lot of opinions. Ask me anything.

Get married first, before you have children, sorry, that is the mumsnet decree, unless of course you are fabulously wealthy and he isn't, in which case don't get married. .

Not everyone wants to get married.

I have my own money, he has his. We don’t live together but if we did we would split household bills and rent 50/50 I’m very certain of that. Whatever is left of mine is mine and what is left of his is his. If we had DC, costs would be split 50/50- no doubt about this either. If I believed different I wouldn’t be with him because I want a future with him. Sure things go tits up- but I’m not afraid to be alone, so if they do I will leave.

As for the ‘caring for an older man’ comment- if any man expected me to drop what I’m doing with my life to wipe their arse, they would be told to take a long walk off a short pier.

Age gap is one thing, but the 'types' of ages are another. Do you really think that a grown man in his mid thirties looking sexually at a teenager is ok?

Do you feel like you've missed out on things which other people your age have done? I'm older than you and still run around like a crazy teenager on the odd weekend, not ending nights out until 10am on a sunday, etc. Is your lifestyle 'older' than you because of your dp?

I don't care that I'll need to care for my older DH - it's same as if he had cancer or another serious illness, I love him so I'll do it. My DH has already stuck by the 'in sickness and in health' part of our marriage vows when I was seriously ill, despite me being the younger one, so its not necessarily guaranteed to be an age thing.

Good luck with the ttc OP!

Im 25 my fiance is 40, already have a 1 year old together and currently pregnant with another lil one! We have 10 kids inc bump between us and no one has an issue with us being together. Ignore comments from people referring to him as a peado 😒 people can be cruel. He was my dads best friend and he even asked for my hand which was greatly accepted.
We met when i was 18 and i had just met my dad so it wasnt wierd in anyway and got together when i was 22.
Ive dated guys my age and found they either cheat or are abusive

10 children between you?!

spork yup hes adopted 2 from previous relationships and i had 2 from before we met too

Im 25 my fiance is 40
I'm 22 and my fiancée is 38

I don't know...once you're in your 20's, this is just a relationship, with one of you being a bit older than the other.

It's different when one party is still a teenager, but once you're up and running as a fully fledged adult, I don't get what the issue is?

@Blackbirdblue30 We met 2 months before my 20th birthday. I struggle to see why it would be ok if we met 40 days later, but inappropriate beforehand. I've always been told I look old for my age, and people usually think I'm about 27/28 (which before being with my partner I HATED) and he looks young for his age and you wouldn't put him any older than early 30s. We didn't even think to ask how old each other was during the first few times we spent time together because we just hit it off and were talking about so much more than that. When I found out I was very uncomfortable with it, and it really took me a while to come around, I actually ended things whilst I processed it. But then I realised the only thing putting me off was being scared of others opinions, not anything to do with him. I'm so happy I overcame it.

@bleedingbanshee I still have my girls who are all my age and we have our fair share of crawling home at stupid o'clock. My best friend also has a 2 month old but we still find time to be young and have fun. Even with my partner we share interests and although very settled still find time to go out, drink and have fun. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. A big reason for my previous relationships ending is that I want kids early/mid twenties and men my age would hate nothing more

At 26 you're a grown woman, no-one else can make up your mind for you.

Think though, when you're mid forties he'll be sixty. You'll still be young!

rebecca yeah and the plan then is we will both have grown children and a peaceful life. We own and run our own buisness so fingers crossed we can retire then.

Im mentally older than i should be i dont party and never been clubbing (its not my thing) so i dont feel im missing out on anything

@letsstickmyhandinthere I still only get 6...

@Rebecca36 And to add to @letsstickmyhandinthere I do still go out and party sometimes, and I have all my best friends to go out and do so with. My father is 60, and he is still fit and well and active. I know it could be different for my partner but I have no reason to expect that due to how healthy and fit he is. I will never care if he doesn't want to go out acting young and crazy - that's what my girls are for!

I’m the now adult child of parents of a similar age gap and the jibes you get your children will also have to deal with- I would suggest supporting them in having similar responses to you as could easily be a source of bullying

lamp he has 4 children from previous of his own and 2 adopted, theres my 2 and the 2 we have together, we have 6 soon to be 7 children living with us! The others are grown.

lau my father passed shortly and suddenly after me an DF got together, it showed me how short life can be and if your happy then nothing should stop that! I wouldnt change my relationship for anything i know hes an amazing father to our kids and has grown out of the boy stage 😂 to me hes perfect

Am really suprised by this thread.

I’m in my. 40s and dh is 15 years older than me. We’ve been together since I was 21yo. I’ve literally never had a single comment or look. Nobody has ever mentioned it. I also look young For my age whereas I’d say dh looks his age....so it’s not like it’s not obvious.

I have to say I’ve found the age gap harder to deal with as we’ve got older. I keep thinking he’ll probably retire in 5 years time and I’ve got 20 years to go. By the time I retire he’ll be 80. We’re not exactly going to be enjoying retirement together, going on holidays, etc. Chances are I will spend my retirement either wiping his arse or lonely.

digestive there's been no bullying to our kids from others, that includes the 3 teenagers im soon to be step mum to. None of the kids have battered an eyelid at the relationship and support us in it. Im proud of my family and so are they

You won’t feel the age gap for many years. Perhaps it will never be an issue.

I know couples of the same age who have divorced/one of them has developed a life-changing illness/been disabled in an accident/one has died prematurely.

We never know what life has in store for us, so why would we pass up the chance to be happy with someone merely because the date on their birth certificate doesn’t conform with what most people deem acceptable?

I can see if you're ready to settle down in your early 20s that an older partner could suit you. It's also awful to have horrible comments made to you. I think there are pitfalls in a relationship like this but there's no relationship where those don't exist.

I personally found a four year age gap quite a challenge, mainly due to energy levels. If he keeps fit and interested in the outside world, I hope that won't be an issue.

Having said that I would ask why you're not marrying him - he is moving into an age group where significant illness is much more likely, and life is a lot easier in those circumstances if you are married?

@annandale He isn't even 40 yet so I wouldn't say it's quite that bad for him yet aha, we are engaged so we will be married in the next few years.

Good luck to you both, you sound very sorted and mature beyond your years. You’re right about most blokes in their early 20s too, waste of time.

If you met him when you were 19 how did you have time for so many relations prior to that? You talk about dating men who were 3 years older but surely that was just when you were at school so just casual boyfriends rather than relationships. And crawling home at stupid o'clock sounds at odds with ttc. I don't think the age gap is that big a deal but realistically he's lived a whole adult life while you were a child, that has to cause issues somewhere along the line.

What's the best and worst parts of being in an age gap relationship?

How are both your parents/family with the relationship?

Congratulations on your engagement btw.