Widowed at 36 weeks pregnant; got married in ICU. AMA

[Grobagsforever]

As above. This was four years ago.

I remember your original thread Grobags and posted on it at the time under another name. I'm glad to hear you're making the best out of a life you wouldn't have chosen with your 2 lovely daughters. No questions, just wanted to wish all 3 of you the very best for your future x

Reggie: it is disgusting. I signed a petition about it and the government response was that it reflects modern life where both men and women should get themselves back to work within 18 months.
Fortunately we had life insurance and I'm able to work just one day a week until my son is at school.
It's so important that people take out life insurance. A few of my friends took out policies after my DH died.

I always wonder why people choose to get married knowing you will turn into a widow/widower shortly after that. Is it the financial bit? Or does the dying person want to die being married? You were very much pregnant and obviously not bothered not being married before you got pregnant so what were the reasons in your case?

Gottokondo OP said she wouldn’t have been able to put her DH’s name on their baby’s birth certificate unless they were married.

This is so sad, I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are doing a great job though! Do you see yourself being in a new relationship? My dad died when I was 13 and 23 years later my mum is still on her own. She says no one could compare but sometimes I do wish she had met someone else, for her sake

@Gottokondo - it was purely practical reasons, as I am actually anti - marriage. We got married so I could register DD. Also because our wills weren't finalised and marriage is a much more straightforward way of dealing with that (and cheaper!). Also I needed to be DH's legal next of kin to arrange the funeral etc. To be honest the will thing wasn't a massive issue as we owned everything jointly anyway and all the life insurance policies were left to me - but it did mean I was the legal owner of all my household goods etc without dispute.

@Ginger1982 - I had a relationship for about 18 months which is now over. I actually see less and less of a need for a relationship now. I'm financially and practically independent and I can raise my children and live our lives exactly how I want. And I have many friends. The data shows that women my age (37) are statistically speaking less happy then single women as men tend to gain more from relationships e.g women do all the emotional labour, practical support etc.

I date on and off but I find most men really dull if I'm honest. So I'd consider another relationship if someone really inspired me, but I actually love the fact that as I have my children, house and job and so there is no 'need' at all to find someone.

Sorry meant to say the data shows married women are less happy than single women! I'd have DH back in a heartbeat of course, but I'm pragmatic enough to recognise the advantages of single life and not having to account for a partners needs

@NoArmaniNoPunani - the 'get themselves back to work' arguement is laughable- I was back at work in four months and used the money for childcare!

Yeah I was back after a month but only the very part time. I'm much earlier along than you- DH died in November, but I feel the same about another relationship. That's why I have wondered about sperm donation to have a second child.

I remember your original thread too

Can I ask how you got through the early days after you lost your DH? (if that's too upsetting feel free not to answer)

So sorry for your loss. I have a question about life insurance. We do have some (and wills) but both done before children. Now with two children we know we need to look at these again.

Having lived through the worst, what advice would you have about the level of life insurance to have? We already have it so that it would pay off the mortgage, but how much extra would you say you would want as a minimum? It's so hard to plan for something that you cannot imagine.

@MoreProsecco - I was just in survival mode. It was a probably a good thing I was pregnant and breastfeeding as it stopped me drinking to cope. Around three months in I started counselling and also acupuncture and started goal setting e.g learning to drive and taking the girls to Disney. I saw the first year very much as a re-building year. I also focussed hard on expanding my social network. Weekends can be super lonely so I wanted to make sure we had lots of different friends to hang out with so we weren't constantly in invading our close mates family time.

Thank you for answering - and best of luck to you for the future - you sound awesome!

@originaldoozy - good question! We had a policy that paid the mortgage and also DH had a death in service policy that paid another 200k. So we had plenty BUT it's not at much as it sounds given that's to last the kids entire lives. I have a good job and we can live off my salary alone now the mortgage is paid, but not everyone is in that position.

I'd go for paying off the mortgage plus at least 10k a year til your youngest is 18. You can manage with less, but the value of having spare cash to do stuff like go to Disney is very helpful. Also, you NEED money for babysitting- otherwise you're stuck in alone night after night. And it's that will get to you.

Thank you for replying. How did your eldest take to your partner? Was Daddy discussed a lot or not?

@NoArmaniNoPunani - we're all different but if I wanted more kids I'd be motivated to seek a relationship. To be honest that's a key barrier to dating at my age - most men want kids, even if they've had some already they seem to need another child to cement the relationship and I won't consider any more.

It's not that I think no one can compare to DH. It's just his death has shown me that life as an independent single parent does have a lot of advantages. But I'm lucky in that I had all the children I wanted and had insurance etc.

I see my friends in relationships and whilst their husbands are fine they are also rapidly turning into grumpy middle aged men in a lot of cases!!

@Ginger1982 - She didn't have much to do with him, he only met the kids three times. He came over when they were asleep or I got a sitter. I chose to keep him separate because I wasn't certain we had a future.

Thank you so much for answering my question. That has been my main concern, you think it sounds a lot but as you say, it needs to last a long time! Both of us also have a good 'death in service' benefit too but your advice has given us a good ball park figure to aim for. Thank you again.

Hi OP

I am so sorry for yours and your DC's loss.
My question is, do you find ways to bring your DH into the children's lives, like do you discuss him info things that he would of done, so they get to have a part of his values/ ways.
I also wanted to say that your DC are lucky to have a strong DM to guide them through life x

@Pleasebecareful - yes we talk about him all the time. I tell them what he thought about stuff and how they are like him (or not). I tell them what traits they have inherited from him. He's very present in their hearts and minds, although I do teach there is no afterlife as we are atheists.

My proudest moment was when my youngest was recently in tears because she never met DH. My oldest came over abs said 'DD2, Daddy loved you very much and he knew you'd be absolutely amazing! Also you used to kick him when you were growing in mummy'.

Also thank you @Pleasebecareful

@originaldoozy - glad to help, so important ppl consider this!

Thanks for starting this thread @grobagsforever. As someone who is only 8 months in, it's a massive inspiration to see you doing so well after 4 years

@NoArmaniNoPunani - glad it has helped. Are you a member of Widowed and Young? (WAY) - awful name but a huge amount of support and probably local friends to be found through there. I'm off to Cornwall in a few weeks with a few mates I've met through there who have similar age children.