Widowed at 36 weeks pregnant; got married in ICU. AMA

[Grobagsforever]

As above. This was four years ago.

Oh I'm sorry!

What happened?

DH was very tired and losing weight for a few months. He then developed serious stomach issues and saw a consultant. Went rapidly downhill from there and was admitted to A and E a week later. Moved to ICU and after a raft of tests was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We got married two hours later and he died 16 days after that.

I’m so sorry. How are you and your little one doing now.
Best wishes to you both.

@Marshmallowflumps1 - my daughters are now 4 and 8 and we're doing well. I'm finally going back to full time work in October (been 80 percent since DH died) and we have a wide circle of friends and have lots of adventures- most recently we spent new year in Africa with another widowed family we'd never met before

I remember your thread at the time so well, and it always makes me smile to see you here.

I don't have a question, just a hi

Hi @ReevaDiva - that thread was a big support to me

I’m so sorry OP. I went to school with a girl who’s husband died when she was almost full term with their third before I had kids. When I then had my first I couldn’t stop thinking about how awful it must have been to have gone through labour and those early newborn days alone.

How does a wedding in a situation like that work? Do you still have to give notice and all of that stuff or is everything sped up? If so who has the authority to do that- the hospital?

Does your eldest remember her dadddy? Do you talk about him to your littlest one?

Sorry for your loss.

Holliday st new year sounds amazing as very brave. Sounds like you are living the best life for your and your girls x

Grobags life is so cruel at times. How did you manage the emotional rollercoaster/weird dichotomy between the joy of meeting your newborn, and the devastation of your loss? I was bereaved (not partner) four days before my DD was born and it was strange, emotionally. I didn't really grieve the loss properly at the time, and it came out in dribs and drabs down the line. For you, your bereavement meant a huge change in day to day life/lifestyle and what the future looked like. It sounds like you've done a fabulous job building a lovely life for your girls. How did you manage to stay strong?

Thanks for your AMA, I'm so sorry for your shocking experience and glad to hear you and your family are doing ok. Is it ok to ask you something I've always wanted to know...when people quickly get married in hospital (often on TV drama), is the usual required notice to marry waived because of the circumstances? I thought you had to give notice or gave banns read in the case of a church. Also, did you know the celebrant and were your family present? I suppose I'm actually wondering about the wedding part. Thanks so much.

Yes my eldest remembers DH very well and she tells little DD about him. She is exactly like him personality wise.

I was widowed last year just before my son turned 2. I sometimes wonder about having a second via sperm donation but I'm not sure if I could do it all alone by myself. I realise no one can answer that for me until I take the plunge and do it.

@ShovingLeopard - sorry for your lost. To be honest there was no joy in meeting DD2. I was relieved she was safe and well but I was too numb and in shock for a long time. We co-slept and I wore her in a sling constantly so I hope she didn't pick up on it. She seems fine now! And is very cuddly and loving

@ParisNext - the consultant wrote a letter which enabled them to waive notice of marriage. The hospital chaplain would have married us straight after that but I refused a religious ceremony. So they called the registrar (it was a sat eve) and they came down to the hospital. Our parents were present but no one else. It was very quick and cost twenty seven pounds! No rings or anything. As neither of us had married before we only needed to show a proof of address and our passports. We were married less than 2 hours after being told it was terminal and we didn't have much time.

Had we not married I wouldn't have been able to put his name on DD2's birth certificate.

@NoArmaniNoPunani - am so sorry for your loss. Whilst I'm not currently in a relationship I know many young widows who have met new partners and had more children

Thanks Grobags. I think numbness is a very common reaction to such loss. Sounds like you did all the right things for your DD nonetheless, which must have been very hard when you were suffering so much.

NoArmani

Thank you so much for your reply. I had no idea and that is so interesting. Awful for you and imagine being the parents, you being pregnant and their son so ill at his wedding. Honestly think you are incredible. Did you buy yourself a ring or perhaps another type of momento later? How have his parents coped and do they have a good relationship still with their grandchildren? Thanks again.

@ParisNext - yes I can't imagine what DH's parents were feeling. I didn't buy myself anything- I sometimes buy myself a gift on our anniversary though or a gift on Father's Day as I do both jobs!!

I have a good relationship with my in laws and they are very close to my daughters. My daughters go and stay overnight with them every 2nd or 3rd Saturday so I get a break. They also come and stay if I'm traveling for work. And they do the garden etc. I don't really hang out with in laws as we are very different people- but we all focus on my daughters.

What a heartbreaking story, I'm so sorry for your loss. Was your DH well enough after his diagnosis to leave letters or some other kind of farewell to his daughters?

TBH they cope with their grief through strong medication. I have refused all meds- they'd prefer I take them to avoid showing sadness in front of children

Cannot imagine the awfulness of what you went through. Glad that you are living a happy life now with your DC.

Thank you for answering my question OP. I have another one: one of my NCT group died of aggressive cancer when our babies were all 13months old. She had- thank God- a good death in service/insurance situation and her DH paid the house off and could afford to not work while his daughter was a baby. Do you know what happens if that isn’t the case, is the government assistance or anything or are windowed parents left to get on with it with just the usual benefits in place?

I can answer that Reggie. Widowed parents now get a one off payment of £1500-3500 plus 18 months of £350 a month. After 18 months you get no help at all. The law changed in April 2017 so the OP will be entitled to more than I get.

@ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName @NoArmaniNoPunani indeed I am under the older more generous system where I receive £530 every 4 weeks in lieu of what would have been DH's state pension, I get this until youngest is 18. It pays about half my childcare bill. Thankfully I have a good job so could manage regardless, what the current story government have done to new claimants is disgusting.

Everyone should have life insurance

That’s genuinely disgusting that it’s been changed to such a small amount. What’s their rationale, as the older system giving you what would have been your husbands state pension makes sense- is it that in 30yrs there’ll be no pension or if there is it’ll be worth sod all so to reflect that?! Bastards.

Yes, me and my husband went and sorted out very decent life insurance after our friend died. It was something that had never occurred to me until then, brings me a small amount of comfort that we would have that if anything happened.

Thanks for starting this AMA OP.