@crosser62 I feel like I’m standing on a wobbly rope bridge across a chasm - I’ve left one side, but I’ve not yet reached the other. We have frozen embryos left on ice, that all have the potential to become people - but only if transferred into someone else’s body, as my womb is now unable to support a pregnancy. That route has many many issues and challenges, so I genuinely don’t know if that’s a path we will pursue. I’m never more acutely aware of the issues than when a thread in AIBU or Chat will pop up about surrogacy, and many many posters will argue that it should be banned outright (both altruistic and commercial alike), and that couples exploring surrogacy are cruel and selfish . I am keenly aware of the ethical concerns about surrogacy, and the complexities of the many many issues surrounding it, and it weighs heavily on me - which makes it even harder to decide how to proceed. There are many, many threads on MN where the ‘why don’t you just adopt’ comments get trotted out - usually from fertile people who had no issues conceiving their children, writing with great authority about what they would do if it were them.
So yes, I feel anger, heartbreak and despair. On the one hand I have mostly come to terms with the fact I will never be able to carry a child - because our decision to stop treatment was taken out of our hands. We didn’t have to think ‘just one more go’, because after cancelled cycle after cancelled cycle, we’d exhausted every option to try and get my womb to cooperate enough to even try one last transfer. If that hadn’t been the case, I have no doubt we’d have done 5 more cycles to use up all our frosties, because it would have been next to impossible to draw a line ourselves.
On the other hand, I don’t feel like I can yet accept completely giving up on every becoming a parent, because we have 5 potential humans, genetically 100% DH and I, waiting in storage. Clinically whilst every Dr agrees we have exhausted every option with my womb, they also agree that it is very very likely that we would have a successful outcome in someone else’s . One of the worst things about infertility & pregnancy loss is the never-ending cycle of hope and hopelessness: as the quote goes “I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand”. I may not have any hope of having a child myself, I can’t close the door completely, when I know there is still hope that we could still become parents through a different route.
Anger, it varies. Oddly enough whilst the obvious things used to trigger me (pregnancy announcements, bumps everywhere, someone saying they planned their pregnancy to line up with optimal mat. leave timings. etc), I’m mostly OK with those on a day to day basis - but the anger rises at the unexpected times. It’s comments like when someone on TV or IRL will casually say ‘when I have children’, Because it’s such an easy, natural thing for people to say, and I rage at the fact that I am defective. Or when a news article will report on the victims of a given tragedy, someone who has children will be described as ‘mother-of-three’, whilst a victim of the same crime who has no children will get much less acknowledgement, as though their loss doesn’t matter so much.
Parking it has been a massive issue. As we were coming to the end of the road, I remember feeling panicked about what the hell was I going to think about, or do with all my time, if I wasn’t thinking 24/7 about treatment or spending all weekend in my PJs on fertility forums, avoiding the outside world. I genuinely couldn’t remember what life was like Before Infertility - my identity was entirely wrapped up with being a professional infertile, I didn’t know who I was anymore. Certainly a significant part of me died during that time. I didn’t feel ready to start trying to reconnect with the wider world overnight, after having retreated from it for so long - so I needed to find something else to direct my internet time into, so that I didn’t jump straight from infertility world into surrogacy world. I started spending a lot of time on Pinterest trying to get fashion ideas, as I’d completely checked out on caring about anything like that, and found I was mid 30s with no idea of my style anymore!
And now I’m stepping back into infertility world, to try and write a book to change the narrative about infertility and pregnancy loss, and tell real women (and men’s) stories. Actually spurred on in part by all the childless-women bashing threads and the endless ‘why don’t you just adopt’ comments - but mainly to celebrate the incredibly sisterhood and solidarity amongst other women in a similar boat, that I’ve found in forums like the infertility boards on MN. There’s also undoubtedly a strong sense that I feel the need to ‘do something meaningful’, to feel like I have some kind of legacy (and hopefully to actually succeed in creating something, when I’ve been such an abject failure at creating life)
I wished I’d been able to read a book with stories from women whose journeys didn't all end with a baby. I wanted to read a book that would reassure me that eventually we would be OK - even if things didn't turn out how we'd hoped. That would help me feel that I wasn't alone.
I’m so very very sorry that you find yourself in a similar boat - you really, truly are not alone
I’m getting submissions from women sharing their own stories, and the consistent theme with everyone so far has been the sense of feeling so alone - when actually we’re all suffering from the same thing, but in isolation.
I’m not sure where you are in your journey, but I can recommend the uber barrens thread on MN, and Gateway Women as a fantastic community for women who are childless-not-by-choice
And I would be absolutely honoured if you would consider sharing your own thoughts and experiences, as I’d love to represent as many voices and POV as possible:
Website: uberbarrens.club/
About the book project: uberbarrens.club/book/
Share your story: uberbarrens.club/share
God, sorry for such a massive essay!!
