I’m a recovering anorexic, AMA!

[StrugglingOn13]

Just that really... been in ‘recovery’ since February, suffered for the past 3 years

What can I do to try and help prevent my daughters from becoming anorexic?

Glad you’re on the road to recovery! Forgive me if this is insensitive but when you’re not eating do you feel hunger or do you in some way ‘put it aside’ ?

Do you feel this recovery that you want to achieve or is it because it’s what others want for you? Only asking as you put recovery in quotation marks, please don’t take that as a negative.

What steps are you taking towards recovery?

Asking as an ED practitioner 😊

I don't have any questions, but as a recovered anorexic I want to wish you all the best and remind you of how wonderful life is without an ED.

Thank you for posting,
What would you advise as the best way to help my daughter please? I'm desperate

@ChangingStates I think what would have helped me was being shown a good example of what non-disordered eating was. I was always forced to finish my plate no matter what, sweets and chocolate were unlimited and when I was an overweight child nothing was done to address the problem, but that’s just my experience. Also, making them feel loved for who they are, which I’m sure you do already, it’s just something I missed out on.

@Monkeypuzzle32 Not insensitive at all, but no I don’t feel hunger really anymore. We’ve talked about it in therapy sessions, and you sort of train your mind to completely ignore the hunger signals from your brain, but you do still feel other hunger signs like tiredness and headaches though

@kiabella Sorry I only put it in quotation marks because it’s still very much ongoing I do want it for me, I got engaged recently and I want to get married and feel confident and beautiful on the day, I also want to become a Mum, but I know I need to be fully stable and not have any issues to pass onto my children too. That’s my drive to fully recover

@LiquoricePickle Thank you! And that’s amazing you’ve done so well, that normality is what keeps me going sometimes

@Goawayquickly The best way for me is just that support that means so much, but I can only imagine how difficult it must be to watch your child go through this, I truly feel your pain I guess it’s remembering that anorexia is such an all consuming feeling of fear and anxiety, and the illness is basically a voice in your head telling you those thoughts. I’m sure you’re helping much more than you know with your daughter, you obviously care so much, and that counts for so much when you’re in that position

Ah I apologise then I read it differently! Wishing you luck on your journey, it’s a long road but absolutely worth it and it sounds like you have lots of positive motivating factors to carry you through 😊

Thank you, it is very painful to see her like this, she is very open and talks to me a lot which is positive. I only wish I'd seen the signs earlier. Hindsight eh?
We have taken to looking at the illness as a horrible bully who we have to stand up to.

Hi there

I went through a period of not eating anywhere near enough and dropped massive amounts of weight. I didn't identify as anorexic as such, but I didn't deny I was slim and needed to eat more. However I didn't realise until later exactly how thin I had become and could see why people were worried and commenting. I was eating very little due to stress, so I'm happy now to admit is was obviously an eating disorder and under eating or not eating comes in various guises.

OP I hope you don't mind me joining in here, our experiences sound different, both the causes and the solutions, so maybe there are ideas to help in several stories.

I never went to therapy and didn't need to, as soon as I realised my Dad was as worried as he was, I started to eat more in front of him. I also never claimed to eat more than I did or not be underweight. I didn't get hungry but I was eating, really not enough, absolute minimum fruit and yogurt to get by. I would get faint and sometimes pass out. Once I saw this and some photographs of myself, plus several people voicing concerns, I started eating more and slowly gained the weight. I wouldn't every have it happen again, I've been vigilant ever since, to the point where I don't need to be any more. So it is possible for it to go and not be a concern anymore, with some time and care.

Vigilance at first by the person is important, if negative thought patterns or unhealthy eating habits are coming back.

I think identifying the cause is important for anyone trying to help or deal with it. As I said, for me it was extreme stress. For others it comes from social pressures affecting self esteem, or some kind of unhealthy relationship with food.

For the pp asking about helping daughter, whatever you do don't get angry with her or shout. That get's nowhere and alienates you further. It's better to be on the inside with her. Let her talk to you about it and explain if she can. Ask questions rather than say eat more. That way you are an ally.

It's also good to develop a positive relationship with food. I have a healthy vegan diet (maybe better for someone a bit older and not a teenager) and get healthy exercise, yoga is a good one for body and mind if your DD is old enough, or something she is interested in? I have to eat to be able to move and be physically strong, I choose to do this without having to convince myself, plus I feel and look good, so I love my body rather than hate it as many people with ED may do.

Maybe healthy eating, learning to cook healthy meals at home? There's no need to go straight to previous eating habits or similar to your own/rest of family, because at first a regular portion will seem like a mountain and a bit disgusting. So eating something, a small portion that you openly say ok lets have just a small portion then, or soup, something that doesn't get alarm bells ringing in her head, and lots of support and praise if she does. Gradually I remembered how much I loved food and was able to eat lots without finding it strange anymore!

I'd say try to get her to take vitamins and supplements (a specialist maybe can advise), one thing I don't like is that my body missed out of these for a time.

Therapy of course is the obvious thing to advise, but there are things you can try at home. Try to stay calm about it with her, talk gently like an adult conversation so maybe she'll open up about how she feels and trust you to be talking to her, not forcing her to do anything. If you are on her side and she feels that, she may take little steps with you at her side.

Thank you Lumarie I do stay calm but it's hard sometimes as she gets so angry and frustrated. She's isolated herself so much so I've had to become her best friend really which means no time for me.

Still, I adore her and we'll get through this together.

@kiabella Thank you, I’m very lucky with the support that I have

@Goawayquickly Don’t think about not noticing the signs, that bully would do anything to hide what’s really going on, part of it is anorexia tries to alienate anyone who cares about you, because once you’re alone you’re much easier to control. You sound like such a lovely supporting parent, and also so understanding, and trust me you’re daughter really will appreciate it even if she does get angry or upset with you, just remember that that’s just not her. Have you gone through the route of getting therapy yet?

@LuMarie Your experience sounds very different to mine, but you’re right with the being vigilant side, It was easy for me because I lived away from home with no one really noticing what I was eating so I could easily get away with over exercising and not eating. Learning your triggers and being self aware is something I’ve done, as you said you know yourself what sets you off. You sound so strong for beating it alone

We are on the waiting list for therapy, in the meantime we're paying for some help and it's beneficial I think.

I have bought her lots of lovely bath stuff, underwear and cosmetics in the hope of raising her self worth but then, is that drawing attention to her looks? The superficial, I'm not sure.

It's a minefield really. We're together 24/7 at the moment. My poor, lonely girl.

Did/ do you use the pro-ana websites, and how did this affect you? Did you 'personalise' your ed, ie call it 'her' or my friend Ana?

A friend, who has recovered, said that her behaviour towards friends and family was awful; self-centred and deceitful. Do, you feel guilty about the way your ed made you behave, and how do you deal with this guilt?

@Goawayquickly No definitely not, the bath stuff sounds lovely you seem like you’re doing everything you can, and you obviously really do love and care for her, and she’ll feel that which will be helping more than you know, some days it’s just not feeling alone

@AlisonCHaynes I’ve briefly looked at sites, but not really used them, and no, no personalisation. The only person who has been directly impacted would be my DP, but I’m very mindful with how much. On the deceitful aspect, it’s a difficult thing to explain but I’ve always been honest that I’d evade around food if that makes sense? That I’d lie and say I’d eaten if directly asked, or I’d throw away or hide food if I felt pressured into it. I think being known as self-centered is a little untrue, as when suffering through it really isn’t a choice, it’s as much an illness as a physical illness, it’s just mental. When my DP is suffering with his anxiety I’d never attribute his actions to being self centered, so I’ve never thought about it myself if you see what I mean?

@AlisonCHaynes Oh, and I don’t feel guilty, and I’d never be made too feel that way by the people who loved me either. I wouldn’t feel guilty if I broke my leg and needed extra help around the house, or if I developed a chronic physical condition that required me to think of myself more. While my actions aren’t excused by having an eating disorder and I never would, I’d never blame myself for something I had no choice in and that I was fighting so hard to overcome

Thank you struggling I don't want to hog your thread or bombard you with questions but any insights are so helpful.

Struggling, thank you so much for posting. We’re 9 months in to this with a daughter with RAN. I wish you well in your life and continued healing.
Goaway, I just wanted to let you know about a forum called ‘aroundthedinnertable’ which is extremely supportive. Also, Eva Musby...google. Wishing you all the very best, you are doing a great job.

I discovered around the dinner table just a few days ago and it's given me a lot of hope and insights. I'm about 9 months in too I'd guess, so I wish you very well sickjr

@Goawayquickly Please ask anything that you want, I know how difficult it must be to try and support your daughter when you’re not sure what your fighting. You need the help and support yourself after all, as it’s a strain for you too, I really wish both you and your daughter all the best

@SickJr I wish your daughter all the best top, recovery is a difficult place and path, but that support you provide will no doubt make it easier that forum is really good

Thank you, it's very helpful. Did you isolate yourself at all?
This is the hardest thing tbh, I'm sure her friends parents think it's catching 😕

@Goawayquickly I did isolate myself yes. I didn’t want to go out for food with my friends, or go to the pub either as it increased my anxiety and broke the routine and safety net I’d built up around myself. People do have that mentality sadly, mental illness does still have such a big stigma and uncertainty around it, it’s nothing the be ashamed of, but so many people are. Have you suggested to your daughter trying to organise a few things with her friends that aren’t food based like the cinema?

@StrugglingOn13 - I have tried to help her reconnect with friends but sadly she is now lacking in confidence so much she doesn't know how to talk/socialise any more. She cries every night over the lack of friends and it's breaking my heart.

Oops name change fail!

That must be so difficult to watch her go through

In reality all you can do is support and encourage, do you know any of her friends/friends parents well enough to approach? Maybe having a quiet word and explaining the problem might help reconnect?