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AMA
Original poster

I have chosen not to have children. AMA

31 replies

steppingon · 05/07/2018 14:41

I've found (most of) these threads really interesting to see a different perspective. Does anyone want to ask me anything?

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 05/07/2018 14:42

What led to that decision?

goforkyourself · 05/07/2018 14:44

Do you have any regrets or wonder how your life would be if you'd had children?

Original poster
steppingon · 05/07/2018 14:45

I've never felt I wanted it enough. When I was younger I didn't ever think about it and as I've got older I don't want to give up my life/time/energy. It's just never been 'for me'.

OP posts:
Original poster
steppingon · 05/07/2018 14:47

goforkyourself no, no regrets ...I do sometimes wonder about my legacy and will want my stuff when I am gone.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 05/07/2018 14:49

Do you think there's something different about people that do want children, something you don't feel/have?

Original poster
steppingon · 05/07/2018 14:54

spahettijumper that's a really good question and one I have thought about. Ultimately, yes, I think there must be, particularly because mine was a choice and not driven by circumstance.

However, I do also think that a small percentage of women feel the same as me but go on to have children because of expectations/their partners want a family or simply because 'that's what you do'. I'm sure once you have children it's very rare to then regret it.

OP posts:
Whyiseveryonesoangry · 05/07/2018 14:56

Do you worry about who will care for you when you get old?

Original poster
steppingon · 05/07/2018 14:59

whyiseveryonesoangry hahaha.... no, I'm just aware I may have to pay for care.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 05/07/2018 15:06

Has your desire not to have children ever been a dealbreaker in a relationship?

Kezzie200 · 05/07/2018 15:11

How old are you.
I didnt want children. Changed my mind suddenly one day.

Original poster
steppingon · 05/07/2018 15:14

spaghettijumper no, I have been married twice and both partners respected my/our choice. I have always been quite upfront with people before it becomes serious.

kezzie200 I am 48, I won't be changing my mind. lol

OP posts:
heatwave2018 · 05/07/2018 15:25

I know someone who strongly doesn't want children (mainly cause of the changing nappies) and everyone is horrified and thinks it's selfish despite the planet being overpopulated. How did your family and friends react when you said you didn’t want children and any tips for this person?

goforkyourself · 05/07/2018 15:34

Do you ever feel people judge you as a 48 year old childless woman?

I'm the same btw (45 tho) and often find people feel sorry for me. Sometimes get the head tilt and 'it's not too late' comments Hmm

Original poster
steppingon · 05/07/2018 15:37

heatwave2018 for my family it's always been a bit of a non-issue - i have siblings who all have children (who I adore) so there are enough grandchildren etc. One of my friends I think struggles to understand it - she is a (very good) mum of 4 and her whole life is based around them.
I've had some negative comments like the usual 'oh you'll change your mind' and some people assume I simply can't have them. I think some people wonder what my purpose is and think I must be shallow to not want a family and that's their view. If your friend is certain then other peoples opinions really shouldn't bother her - it's her life to choose to do as she wishes.

OP posts:
Original poster
steppingon · 05/07/2018 15:39

goforkyourself yes, I think they definitely do....that's fine, I often feel sorry for them back. Wink

OP posts:
heatwave2018 · 05/07/2018 15:58

That lady on this morning said she was doing it to save the planet, okay I’m not as extreme as her but with the planet running towards overpopulation surely not having kids (and going against mumsnet mafia) is the best option!

BounceAndClimb · 05/07/2018 16:08

What are the most important things in your life/the things that make you happiest?

Do you enjoy spending time with children in general but just not want your own or do you not particularly like being around them for long?

VladmirsPoutine · 05/07/2018 16:12

What do you do with all the extra time, money and energy?

Original poster
steppingon · 05/07/2018 16:14

bounceandclimb I very much enjoy being around the children I love and have a connection with (family/godchildren etc) and am very hands on with them, I've had my neices/nephew's overnight and for the odd weekend since they were all babies.

My partner, my animals, my family, my garden, travelling, my hobbies, work and charity work are all hugely important to me. I don't feel my life lacks anything by not being a mother. But I'm sure many people would disagree with that!

OP posts:
Original poster
steppingon · 05/07/2018 16:14

Vlad - I enjoy it!!!!!! :)

OP posts:
AlwaysTheEnd · 05/07/2018 16:58

Two of my adult DC don't want kids and are very definite about it. I believe them and tell them that is a perfectly good decision and much better having kids because it's expected. I never tell them they might change their minds or that they might regret it. I know they might change their minds but I don't see any reason to expect them too. I feel happy for them as they know what they want in life.

I've known quite a few people who have had kids that they don't seem to have much time or affection for. They aren't mean or cruel but it strikes me that they would have been better off not having kids.

BTW, it doesn't bother me in the slightest from the point of view of being a potential grandparent. I'm sure I would love any grandchildren that came along but I'm not going to miss any 'hypothetical grandchildren. I love all my kids to bits but I think I can see the advantages of not having kids too.

My questions
What did your parents say? Were you upfront with people about not wanting kids? How did you reply if people said that you will Change you mind?

BasicUsername · 05/07/2018 17:21

Why are you on Mumsnet?

I am aware how snarky my question sounds, but I honestly don't mean it that way, just interested why someone who is CFBC would want to join a parenting forum.

Lottapianos · 05/07/2018 17:26

Nice thread OP. As a fellow childfree person, I ask with my tongue in my cheek, don't you get sick of all the lie ins, five star hotels, Caribbean cruises and sports cars? Wink

VladmirsPoutine · 05/07/2018 17:54

I've always been ambivalent. Did you have any pangs of what-if during the window of opportunity closing?

Wishimaywishimight · 05/07/2018 18:06

Same here OP. I'm 49 and just never had any maternal instinct - DH & I have a nice life, never felt like I was missing out (& we are just back from the caribbean Grin. As for who will look after me when I'm old-same as most people DH & I will look after each other as long as we're able 2 then we'll pay for care/nursing home. I was never going to have children I didn't want in the hope I would have free care in my old age!