Can we talk about bisexuality?

Why is it a commonality?
He has not had any homophobia. He has never had sex with a man, or a relationship.

I’m curious. What if the man in the apparently heterosexual relationship with a bisexual woman was also bisexual? Would he be unwelcome for arriving in a male/female relationship or would this scenario be ok? How would the L&G community gate-keep bisexuals? Declare orientation prior to entry?

I’m Playing devils advocate a bit as I’ve had this conversation with friends before and we
ciuldnt come to any suitable conclusion for all.

erm…he’s sexually attracted to men? i’d say that’s a fairly large commonality?

I'm similar and agree with you. I just don't think the fact that I might date a woman again if my marriage broke up gives me a right to intrude on lesbian spaces.

Agree! I also don’t get why someone in an opposite sex relationship would want to go to such events. What are you getting from it? The events are bringing people together based purely on sexuality. Surely the bisexual is just included because they can have same sex relationships too.

No OP women should not bring their male partners to an lgb event. It's not fair at all.
I'd really question why anyone would think this is OK.
Re the other conversation that is happening, many many women when in their late 30s/40s+ will start dating women after breaking up from a long term relationship with a man. Personally I know of 3 women in my local area who have done this! Which is wonderful for them. It's quite common.

I actually entirely agree with you OP. I'm married to a man and I think overall I lean to men. But I had one brief liaison with a woman when I was much younger, and my attraction to women has become much stronger as I've aged. If I were to find myself no longer married, I'd pursue women, at least for a time!

However given that I'm in a heterosexual marriage, unless something changed in my life and I "put my money where my mouth is" so to speak, I'd be mortified to intrude on gay and lesbian spaces. To me, anyone who is currently in a hetero relationship and does that, is just trying to self-aggrandize.

I think I'm attracted to specific people, most of whom have been neurodivergent.

That's interesting. I am autistic and most people I have been romantically attracted to have also been neurodivergent - in my younger days, before I was diagnosed or knew what neurodivergence was, it was just 'she has dyslexia' or 'he is obsessed with numbers'. I seem to co-exist best with other autistic people and people with ADHD, both as friends or in a partnership. There is a connection that is absent with NT people.

I'm lucky that my family accept my bisexuality. I don't have children, so it's not something I have had to explain in that context, which I can imagine might be a rather difficult conversation to navigate.

Sending you love and solidarity ❤️ Thank you for sharing your story I suspect there are quite a few women with some version of your story, albeit with less trauma. I'm truly sorry for what you experienced and the decisions you made were for excellent and understandable reasons x

In my case I didn't realise I was attracted to women until I met three specific women (one of whom was after I was married). It didn't phase me, I just realised I had been attracted to more men on balance. I think I'm attracted to specific people, most of whom have been neurodivergent. The youngsters would probably tell me I'm demi and / or pansexual but I'm much too long in the tooth for all the labels

‘I'm pretty sure that one of the bi women who's involved in one of the groups I'm in is a straight woman who bases her bisexual identity on the fact that she had a relationship with a woman while at university, many years ago.’

I don’t understand this argument. Sexual orientation is about who you’re sexually attracted to, not who you happen to be having a relationship at that particular moment in time. If she finds men and women sexually attractive, then she’s bisexual. The fact you’re in a monogamous relationship with a person with characteristic A doesn’t mean you’re not also attracted to people with characteristic B - it just means you’re monogamous.

After all, there would have been plenty of secretly gay men and lesbian women in ‘straight’ marriages until relatively recently because of social pressures. By the above logic, does that mean they weren’t actually gay/lesbian? Or that you weren’t a lesbian until the first time you actually had sex with a woman?

@CalamityK8 There are lots of women who have relationships with other women after being married to a man for many years.

Of course some lesbians will not be interested in being with someone for whom an adult relationship with a woman is new. If you do have a relationship with another woman there are lots of things to deal with such as the reactions of family, adult children and friends. And just like some women would not want to pursue a relationship where they were going to be a stepmother, some women will not want to pursue a relationship with a woman dealing with all of these issues for the first time.

There will be women who will be interested in pursuing a relationship though.

I think you would be accepted, if people don't accept you... then their loss.

I met a woman in Thailand in her 60s who had came out late in life, was living the life with all us young uns in ourb20s and 30s, she was awesome.

It's never too late, only barriers are in your mind, if can find right circles of people.

Problem is assholes exist in all forms of life lol but tend to be the minority.

There are lots of valid reasons. For me, my first (intense) love was a girl in my early teens, and then a fumbled exploration with another girl, also the same young age.

But my home life was chaotic, and I was taken into care after being raped. I was a teenage runaway, when what I really wanted and needed was stability.

I found that with a lovely man, and went the conventional route, though I never lied to him him about my attraction to women. My lesbianism was absorbed into a conventional heterosexual life of home and children, and we maintained that loving environment until I was widowed. I had crushes over the years, but just like heterosexual monogamy, I never acted upon them, though I told my DH about the crushes and he accepted that was just my tendency to get emotionally attached, even if not openly, to certain women, and it didn't threaten our bond at all.

I'm now quite old, and know I will never enter into another relationship with a man, but I would love the opportunity to connect with women who are attracted to other women, even if it's too late for me. I have good women friends, but none who appear to feel like I do.

It's refreshing to learn there are other women like me on this thread, but also sad to hear that I might not be welcomed by other lesbians, just because of choices I made for very good reasons in my early life.

They aren't lesbisn though..mm they are bi.

Why would a bisexual need to be lesbian enough?

Unless they are a lesbian and realise in later life, in which, unless a Doyle, would be welcoming.

Yes. To be clear I've no intention of joining groups or seeking another partner as I'm currently married and monogamous!

My point is that it's worth being careful about inadvertently sending a message that women who are genuinely bi don't feel unwelcome because they're not 'lesbian enough', especially if they are coming out of longterm heterosexual relationships.

Now I'm feeling selfish for not supporting LGB in rebuilding. What can I do? Btw there was always a tension with the Bi, before the alphabet people.

A bisexual person does not need to socialise at LGB events with a straight partner, it's really bad form. I had relationships with women in the past, but I'm in a long term domestic partnership with a man. I don't join LGB groups or events or services as I have the entire straight world available and I don't experience homophobia. Trans activism has led people to think it's all about them and their precious identity.

I think a lot of women get trapped in that tolerable level of unhappiness loop with the patriarchy... whether straight or bi.

Some of my friends state they would love to be in a same sex relationship, as they deem things to be more equal.

I think they just have partners that need to kick up the backside lol.

They are equalish with my partner and I, sometimed one is more proactive than other..m however sometimes patriarchal and matriarchal stereotypes can be and are in play in same sex relationships too.

There are plenty of older women who leave long term marriages with men and start dating women. Its not that unusual.

@SquirrelSoShiny at the point you want a female partner, then join groups. Very few women would want to date you if you are still with a male partner though. Its more the polyamorous and kinky communities that would welcome someone looking for that.

My partner and love of my life was with a man before me,

Many lesbians have dated of slept with men, myself included. I realised I was a lesbian in my early 20s.

I wouldn't swap my soon to be wife for the world.

So I don't think that would put women off, we actually understandcthe patriarchy a lot and the struggles.

So if you do want to be with a woman, it's something definitely attainable if hetero life isn't for you.

Depends if you feel strongly enough to stick with your marriage or want to find a same sex relationship and explore that life.

You shouldn't put it off because you think women wouldn't understand though.

Life's too short to be unhappy.

I have often said to myself, if my marriage ended, I would prioritise women if seeking another partner, having been 'deprived' of that for so long, but I fear many lesbians would reject me for the reasons mentioned on this thread.

The reality is that in the physical sense I have never had much to offer and what little I ever had has long since sagged and bagged itself away to nothing, so if I find myself in that situation, it will be, as it always has been, a case of finding the right person, someone who will love me for who I am, not what I look like, and who I can love, respect and enjoy spending time with, irrespective of their sex.

I really understand your dilemma but I think there's a danger of excluding bi people as a sort of 'drawbridge up' mentality because of the TQI++ invasion of LGB spaces. To be honest I think many bi women especially are more attracted to women than we realised ourselves but we got married to men because reasons.

If my marriage ends I would be just as likely to seek a female partner as a male partner and I wouldn't want to feel excluded from a community where I might find a loving partner.

There in lies the problem, there is no right or wrong really onlycpreferences.

Some preferences in how to behave annoy and alienate some groups, to appease others.

No one from any side is going to be 100% happy.

Many lesbians might not be happy that I am a low key lezza. I will get married, but most my mates are straight and apart from being in a same sex relationship, I don't do anything else like going to gay bars or pride anymore.

So even being a lesbian will annoy some more 'die hard' lesbians.

There will be no pleasing everyone.