Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Should I raise this with DS

37 replies

Partridgewell · 27/10/2024 20:29

Hi all,

Would very much appreciate your wisdom here. I have a DS who has just turned 11. He's always been gender non-conforming. Likes to wear brightly-coloured clothes, often from the girls' section, likes to have his nails painted, enjoys dance and musical theatre. However, he has never, ever expressed that he feels born in the wrong body, or that he is female, he just likes typically girly stuff.

This is all absolutely fine by me, just to be clear. His elder brother is gay (although is very conformist in terms of his clothing and interests). What worries me is, as he grows up and moves up in secondary school, I fear he might be targeted by followers or the gender woo. He is being assessed for ASD (big brother is diagnosed) and I know that gender non-conforming kids with ASD make up a huge number of trans-identified children.

My dilemma is this. Do I talk to him about this stuff now? By which I mean, say to him that it's absolutely fine to like what he likes, but he's male, and he'll soon be going through male puberty and that he'll always be male? Or shall I just leave well alone, in case it's not on his radar yet? He has access to YouTube kids, but not Tiktok, X, Snapchat or Instagram. Would appreciate any thoughts or resources.

OP posts:
BlackToes · 27/10/2024 22:20

Tell him that you were very lucky to be able to wear any clothes as a child/adult in the 80s and you had no peer pressure to have a label. You could just be free. Point out that social media has increased peer pressure and it takes courage to bend - wether that be drugs, alcohol, identity, career choices.

nocoolnamesleft · 27/10/2024 22:15

ThatOpenSwan · 27/10/2024 22:06

Of course it comes from the kid, schools don't just do that. That's a child who's scared to tell a transphobic parent how they're feeling.

Show quote history

Then why is it epidemic in some schools? Like epidemics of self harming, or eating disorders...

ThatOpenSwan · 27/10/2024 22:06

DodoPatrol · 27/10/2024 21:37

You might find it useful to raise with the school that he is a happily gender-NC boy who has never expressed any gender confusion. Specifically ask them not to raise it with him or 'question his pronouns', as his possible ASD may mean that he misinterprets this.

A friend is currently having to be quite firm with her daughter's school, who seem to have seen a shorthaired girl and just assumed she identifies otherwise. Nearly every communication uses 'they' or 'he'. And no, it's not coming from the girl herself. Chumps.

Of course it comes from the kid, schools don't just do that. That's a child who's scared to tell a transphobic parent how they're feeling.

Gagagardener · 27/10/2024 21:58

'Just turned 11', you say. Is his birthday in September or October so that he is still in Y6, but one of the oldest in the year group? If that is the case, whatever you decide to do must take account of the upheaval that will follow moving from primary to secondary education. Other posters may be able to give more detailed advice.

Original poster
Partridgewell · 27/10/2024 21:50

Circumferences · 27/10/2024 21:37

Yes of course you can talk to him about sex/gender stereotypes.

In your situation I would simply keep it to "it's great how you're not bothered by sex stereotypes and you feel confident expressing yourself". Does your son know how babies are made?

That's an excellent idea. Yes, he does.

OP posts:
Park24 · 27/10/2024 21:45

I'd be concerned that raising it with him would plant the seed in his head - as you said a huge number of kids who identify as trans have ASD.

I'd want to know exactly what the school policy is and I'd want to make sure he wasn't led into it via the school as well.

Circumferences · 27/10/2024 21:38

Nearly every communication uses 'they' or 'he'. And no, it's not coming from the girl herself.

😲 That's sick

Circumferences · 27/10/2024 21:37

Yes of course you can talk to him about sex/gender stereotypes.

In your situation I would simply keep it to "it's great how you're not bothered by sex stereotypes and you feel confident expressing yourself". Does your son know how babies are made?

DodoPatrol · 27/10/2024 21:37

You might find it useful to raise with the school that he is a happily gender-NC boy who has never expressed any gender confusion. Specifically ask them not to raise it with him or 'question his pronouns', as his possible ASD may mean that he misinterprets this.

A friend is currently having to be quite firm with her daughter's school, who seem to have seen a shorthaired girl and just assumed she identifies otherwise. Nearly every communication uses 'they' or 'he'. And no, it's not coming from the girl herself. Chumps.

eatyeateat · 27/10/2024 21:21

Watching with interest with another GNC child.

fabricstash · 27/10/2024 20:52

My son is very gnc. I just keep communications open and discuss the issues as we go. As you know there is no correct way to dress as a boy or a girl

Original poster
Partridgewell · 27/10/2024 20:31

Sorry, I should clarify, I realise this doesn't mean that he is gay, just that this would not concern me in any shape or form.

OP posts: