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How do you support other siblings when a teen decides they are trans

663 replies

Autumnleavesareslippery · 07/10/2024 09:13

I've name changed for this, have been a member for 19 years since pregnant with DS. I'm going to try and be factual as I'm in shock and dealing with a whole host of mine and my children's emotions. Yes I'm using 'he' here as none of us have got our heads around this. I'm trying to be very honest in how I feel and really need some support from people who have more of an idea about how to handle this than me.

DS (19) came home from uni on Friday. On Friday night at about 11 pm in the family chat he declared he was transgender. He informed us what he was called. It was an unusual name choice for a 19 year old - that of someone perhaps born 150 years ago. Think Enid. He told us he'd known for years.

All of us were in shock. I have DD (17) and DD and DS (both 14). I sent a message privately to him thanking for letting us know as I wasn't quite sure what else to say. He didn't read it and remained in his room. Didn't even bother with the usual teen response of a thumbs up.

Saturday and Sunday he acted completely normally, like nothing major had happened and he had told us he was vegetarian now or something. He seemed calm and relaxed. He looked exactly the same - a 6ft 2 broad shouldered man.

He then came downstairs to get a lift to the train station dressed as what I can only describe as a stereotype of what someone might think a woman looked like. Badly done make up. An odd dress that didn't fit. And started talking in a completely different soft 'feminine' voice and doing strange things with his hands that he must have deemed 'female'. He had lace like gloves on. It looked so outdated and strange.

The best way to describe it was he looked like Dame Edna or the character out of little Britain from 20 years ago in that the clothing was odd and it seemed almost designed to get a reaction. But he appeared to be deadly serious and nonchalant about it. A woman would have been clearly mocked if she dressed like it. It just leaves me wondering whether this is what he views women as?! Not that he knows any women who would act like this - he's surrounded by many women who express themselves in multiple ways but not in an Edwardian lady about to collapse way.

I drove him to the station trying to make small talk about the weather and his course and came back to everyone sat staring in disbelief. He's never said anything, acted in any way 'feminine' (whatever that means). He's at a RG uni, studying a science subject with 3 As at A level, and has organised himself a part time job. I only say this because life seems to be going well for him, rather than a potential response to something.

He is however autistic.

DD 17 is furious and says he's making a mockery of women and that woman is not a costume. She says he better not be going in female only spaces.

DD 15 looks stunned and keeps asking why he thinks he can just become a woman and what he thinks that means. She can't identify out of periods etc etc. DS 15 is laughing in disbelief. DH just looks completely confused and keeps muttering about getting loads of tattoos when he wanted to shock his parents thirty five years ago.

I genuinely don't know what to do next. Please bear in mind I'm in shock, had only just 'got over' my first born leaving for uni and all the emotions that brings.

I want to support DS19 with whatever gender expression he wants. When he still looked like him (and didn't appear to be 'dressed as' a mockery of women) I was shocked but we just thought ok, this is him experimenting with finding himself or whatever. But now I'm really worried about him and his future and whether others will look at him and think wtf. I'm also angry at the very (sorry to stereotype) 'teen boy' way he told us - late at night, no response, informing us what he was called rather than perhaps asking 'could you call me'. No consideration of the impact but I guess that might just be being 19.

I agree with what both of my daughters are saying. How do I say this because it then directly criticises DS? Do I accept he is an adult, has made his choices and my care and focus should be on them? I can't gaslight them and tell them they're wrong.

I'm now worried he's going to go into female spaces, as a clearly visible six foot plus male. This would make me angry.

He is at a university where I know lots of his lecturers (I am an academic in the same field). I know many are gender critical. Do I mention it to them first or let it be the elephant in the room?

I don't know what to say to my 85 year old mother. I think she will be very shocked and worried. I'm trying to work out if we have to tell her (she doesn't live nearby).

I don't know how much to talk to him or challenge this. I feel a kind of grief. I'm worried he's going to take hormones or do something irreversible.

We all dislike the name / think it's a very odd choice - which makes me feel very alienated from him.

And at the end of the day he's my 'baby' - I want him to be happy. I don't want people to criticise him. I want to support him but how do you do that when you question so much what he is doing? It wasn't the fact he declared himself to have a different gender but rather what followed - the declaration of name, strange clothing and fear of him going in women's spaces.

I also do absolutely realise he is an adult and can make his own choices and face the consequences. He has his own life (albeit he's being financially supported by us).

I guess it was just so sudden.

Any advice on what to do next would be gladly received.

OP posts:
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PrettyPickle · 07/10/2024 12:56

I can see this is a difficult situation and one I am ill equipped to give decent advice on but on the plus side, you weren't negative and didn't reject him.

If I had a daughter who was exploring her feminine side and started dressing all grown up and was getting it wrong, I'd sit down and chat to them and maybe help them and I think the same applies to your son. Show him how its done, share the pain and the pleasure and help him to be the best woman he can.

This could be a phase, an attempt to get a reaction out of you all or it could be the real thing.

Handle it sensitively, with love and be honest when you are confused and are not sure what to do or say, just don't reject him. I'd leave him to cope with his siblings in his own way but guide them to not be too mean. Its the nature of siblings to take the rise out of each other.

minpinlove · 07/10/2024 12:54

this is extremely common in autistic young people and is ignored because it's considered conversion therapy to explore and unpick why someone autistic would declare themselves trans. This is against all safeguarding and good practise but still it continues. If you read the Cass review,
it found that affirmation can be very harmful, so tread carefully. You can be supportive and loving towards your son without affirming every single thing he says and does. And it will be much easier for him to return to who he is in future, if he hasn't been affirmed and steam rollered down a trans path now.

ColinTheGenderMinotaur · 07/10/2024 12:51

Gosh ExtremelyPrivate that sounds very difficult, hope your sons are both ok now and able to put it behind them, and that your eldest son’s MH has recovered Flowers

ColinTheGenderMinotaur · 07/10/2024 12:48

There is a very insightful MN poster who has personal experience of being a sister to a brother who identifies as a woman, I hope she doesn’t mind me tagging her into this thread (if she even checks notifications!) because I suspect she will have some good advice re: supporting your daughters and preventing their needs from becoming sidelined: @RedToothBrush

Ereshkigalangcleg · 07/10/2024 12:45

He was skating on the surface of the world, not quite connecting.

That's really helped me to get a sense of what you're describing with your son, thank you. In terms of serious mental health issues I'm only familiar with dementia, really.

RedHelenB · 07/10/2024 12:45

If he's autistic he'll not becessarily have the same feeling of "embarrassment " as a NT person. He'll also feel strongly that he's right.
All you can do is carry on loving him as your dc, whatever gender he thinks he is.

ExtremelyPrivate · 07/10/2024 12:41

On the sibling question, on of the more overtly strange aspect of my son's state of mind at that time was the following: I asked him if I could explain to his younger sibling that he was transgender. I did this because I was anticipating some changes in presentation that would obviously be quite confusing for the sibling (although in fact my son never openly changed his presentation, as it turned out). My son was puzzled by the question. He genuinely didn't seem to realise that this was something that the sibling would need to know about or notice.
He was skating on the surface of the world, not quite connecting.

FanFckingTastic · 07/10/2024 12:38

It's more than possible that your son is in MH crisis so my first port of call would be to explore that, rather than to affirm, teach him how to put on makeup, or call him Susan.

I would reiterate to his siblings that you love and care for them and their brother, and that it's natural to find his out-of-the-blue announcement worrying.

Frankensteinian · 07/10/2024 12:37

ExtremelyPrivate · 07/10/2024 12:34

Hi @Autumnleavesareslippery, I've namechanged for this as the content is so extremely private. But I am a copious poster on MN and indeed on this board.

My son emailed me towards the end of his first year at university, when he was just short of 19, to say that he was transgender. His manner was similarly flat and question begging. I can't go into the whole detail of it as it remains, still, an extremely traumatic and baffling time. But the TL;TR version of it was that he was having a psychotic breakdown. He, too, was autistic, and the psychosis supervened on that and on other stresses in his life.
I spent months in desperate uncertainty as to whether he was mentally ill or whether I should take his trans-identification at face value . I tried riding two horses at once, pleading with him to get mental health support and also trying to reach out to trans organisations for help with that (this was ten years ago, before things went so openly weird in the world of transactivism).
Please understand that psychosis does not always present as manifest delusion and illness. It can be much more subtle and hard to observe decisively.
Eventually, things moved on in a host of ways and he was sectioned. When his psychosis settled down as a result of medication, the idea of being trans disappeared completely, so completely that he resisted all attempts on my part to 'keep open' the idea of 'transgender' being actually a set of concerns that he was genuinely facing.
The particular idea of being transgender never returned, despite many future periods of psychosis and many periods of lucidity during which he could reflect on who he was. Several healthcare professionals told me how common transgender is as a delusion in patients who are both autistic and psychotic. It is one of the reasons why I find the ban on conversion therapy disturbing: Will it introduce a new hurdle for psychotic patients who need help with their psychosis, and who are already so badly served?
Of course it may be something entirely different that your son is going through, but I do want to put the idea of psychosis out there. Even if it is not relevant in your case it may be in the families of others reading here. And people with psychosis seem to be so neglected in so many mental health contexts that I often feel on a mission to mention them.
The key thing that made me think of my son in your OP was the strangely 'matter of fact' aspect to your son's new presentation, as if he wasn't fully awake/aware in relation to its ramifications.

This is a very important post imo

ExtremelyPrivate · 07/10/2024 12:34

Hi @Autumnleavesareslippery, I've namechanged for this as the content is so extremely private. But I am a copious poster on MN and indeed on this board.

My son emailed me towards the end of his first year at university, when he was just short of 19, to say that he was transgender. His manner was similarly flat and question begging. I can't go into the whole detail of it as it remains, still, an extremely traumatic and baffling time. But the TL;TR version of it was that he was having a psychotic breakdown. He, too, was autistic, and the psychosis supervened on that and on other stresses in his life.
I spent months in desperate uncertainty as to whether he was mentally ill or whether I should take his trans-identification at face value . I tried riding two horses at once, pleading with him to get mental health support and also trying to reach out to trans organisations for help with that (this was ten years ago, before things went so openly weird in the world of transactivism).
Please understand that psychosis does not always present as manifest delusion and illness. It can be much more subtle and hard to observe decisively.
Eventually, things moved on in a host of ways and he was sectioned. When his psychosis settled down as a result of medication, the idea of being trans disappeared completely, so completely that he resisted all attempts on my part to 'keep open' the idea of 'transgender' being actually a set of concerns that he was genuinely facing.
The particular idea of being transgender never returned, despite many future periods of psychosis and many periods of lucidity during which he could reflect on who he was. Several healthcare professionals told me how common transgender is as a delusion in patients who are both autistic and psychotic. It is one of the reasons why I find the ban on conversion therapy disturbing: Will it introduce a new hurdle for psychotic patients who need help with their psychosis, and who are already so badly served?
Of course it may be something entirely different that your son is going through, but I do want to put the idea of psychosis out there. Even if it is not relevant in your case it may be in the families of others reading here. And people with psychosis seem to be so neglected in so many mental health contexts that I often feel on a mission to mention them.
The key thing that made me think of my son in your OP was the strangely 'matter of fact' aspect to your son's new presentation, as if he wasn't fully awake/aware in relation to its ramifications.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 07/10/2024 12:31

At that age I'd have wanted reassurance that my parents acknowledged that the situation was bewildering, that they understood why the clunky woman-gender costume was insulting, and that I wasn't going to be expected to lie about my childhood.

Yes, absolutely. It must be very destabilising for them.

moomin34 · 07/10/2024 12:31

DrunkTinkerbell40s · 07/10/2024 11:14

Sadly, I don't think MN is the best place to get advice. They don't know your family, they don't know your son, and they don't necessarily have any real experience of people with gender misalignment.

Ultimately, whatever is going on here you need to support him. It's not easy coming out as trans. It is not easy, at 6ft 2, 'dressing up' as a woman. He will be ridiculed. He will be subjected to abuse. So no one decides to do this on a whim.

Some of the suggestions on here could lead to a mental health crisis or worse.

If it were me, I would sit him down and talk to him, alone, without anyone else. How long has he felt like this. I would tell him he could dress in women's clothes, but in a style where he's more likely to fit in. Why has he chosen that name etc Just give him some guidance, book him a doctor appt, book him some therapy to talk about his feelings.

Do not ridicule him, or tell him to stop. You could lose him that way. Support him and he will choose his own path xx

I would tell him* he could dress in women's clothes, but in a style where he's more likely to fit in. Why has he chosen that name etc Just give him some guidance, book him a doctor appt, book* him some therapy to talk about his feelings.

Are you really as affirming as you think you are? Something tells me you know deep down that this woman's son isn't actually female...

saltysandysea · 07/10/2024 12:30

I would say he is on the middle of a mental health crisis now. He is lonely, confused, isolated and probably likely to dig himself a bigger hole with his actions.

but your other DC are perfectly entitled to their opinions and to feel what they are feeling. It is not wrong.

Branleuse · 07/10/2024 12:29

Id try and ignore it as much as possible. I dont affirm my childs preferred gender identity, but ive told them i understand its important to them, so im just going to treat it the same as I do with other friends and family who have different religious or other strong beliefs to me.
Im not going to pretend I believe something that I dont believe and know not to be true.
I think your daughters are quite right, and im glad they arent as scared of upsetting him as you clearly are.

Beowulfa · 07/10/2024 12:28

The OP specifically asks for advice on supporting the other siblings; the teenagers who suddenly have to pretend that their big brother is magically now another sister when wearing a floaty frock and some makeup.

At that age I'd have wanted reassurance that my parents acknowledged that the situation was bewildering, that they understood why the clunky woman-gender costume was insulting, and that I wasn't going to be expected to lie about my childhood.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 07/10/2024 12:27

They would, wouldn't they?

DoreenonTill8 · 07/10/2024 12:27

Interesting @TeenToTwenties but not at all surprising!

TeenToTwenties · 07/10/2024 12:25

I think it is interesting that the OP asked for support for her other children, and yet a number of posters (primarily the 'believers') focus on the trans child...

Popopopipipi · 07/10/2024 12:23

Is he in a quiet flat at uni? Is it full of other autistic kids? Has he spent the last 3 weeks being lectured about learning about pronouns and that only girls like X and do Y and therefore he must be a girl now? I know it's not that simple but if he's sharing with a TRA ASD kid(s) then all bets are off.

My autistic DS was in a quiet flat with an autistic TRA in his first year and found it difficult to get his head around, and so didn't eat until midnight-2am for the whole year to avoid them hectoring him in the kitchen.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2024 12:19

DrunkTinkerbell40s · Today 11:14

Sadly, I don't think MN is the best place to get advice. They don't know your family, they don't know your son, and they don't necessarily have any real experience of people with gender misalignment.
Ultimately, whatever is going on here you need to support him. It's not easy coming out as trans. It is not easy, at 6ft 2, 'dressing up' as a woman. He will be ridiculed. He will be subjected to abuse. So no one decides to do this on a whim.
Some of the suggestions on here could lead to a mental health crisis or worse.
If it were me, I would sit him down and talk to him, alone, without anyone else. How long has he felt like this. I would tell him he could dress in women's clothes, but in a style where he's more likely to fit in. Why has he chosen that name etc Just give him some guidance, book him a doctor appt, book him some therapy to talk about his feelings.
Do not ridicule him, or tell him to stop. You could lose him that way. Support him and he will choose his own path xx

This. Well said.

ColinTheGenderMinotaur · 07/10/2024 12:17

Worldgonecrazy · 07/10/2024 12:01

Very happy to report that DD’s school have also made it almost through the latest trans trend and it is now seen as desperately uncool and attention seeking.

Yes, the fashion aspect of trans identity has definitely waned. There is a 6 year gap between each of my children (24, 18, 12) and it was just taking off round here when my eldest was in the lower 6th (2016, small metropolitan grammar school) and hit a high point when my middle was in year 9 (2019-2020 ‘leafy’ comprehensive). Now my youngest is in year 8 (2024) and it’s just not a thing at her (huge, big city outskirts, very diverse) girls comp.

There does seem to be a new surge of young, often autistic male adults transitioning at uni though, based purely on my observations in parenting support groups. These boys would’ve been around the same school year group as my middle, so I wonder if it’s a sort of late term effect of whatever the social phenomenon was that made transition seem so appealing to teen girls 5 years ago?

A lot of my middle’s female trans peers have now completely desisted, or stepped down from trans boy to NB.

SquirrelSoShiny · 07/10/2024 12:12

Newterm · 07/10/2024 12:07

I think it’s a shame there isn’t a New Romantics or Goth revival. Young people would be able to find their tribe and dress up like Steve Strange without having to declare themselves trans.

I yearn for those days!

Back when you could be ND, a bit quirky and find a tribe who didn't demand you mutilate yourself or become a complete narcissist demanding the world conform to your view of reality!

QueenCamilla · 07/10/2024 12:12

@SquirrelSoShiny
Exactly!

AelitaQueenofMars · 07/10/2024 12:11

DadJoke · 07/10/2024 09:44

It sounds like you reacted pretty well, all things considered. One thing to realise is that the choice isn't whether your DC is transgender - that's a given - but whether they are out or not. Being out is hard, but the pressure to be who you are is usually stronger.

It is incredibly tough for parents, who have always know their child as a son to find out that they have a daughter - and one who is in one of the most mocked and villified segments of society.

It's incredibly tough being transgender, and especially being a trans women. They are subjected to ridicule and abuse, and a supportive family is a must. Some transgender people will hide their true identities - the most common reason for going in the closet is rejection by parents and family. It's much harder for them if they don't pass.

You can't really control the feelings of DC's siblings, but you can ask them to respect their choices and not be unpleasant, even if they are angry.

I would sit down with DC without judgment and ask them about their gender identity, when they first realised, and what it's like for them. It might reassure you that this is not a rash decision, but has been brewing for many years, and is really who they are. You could also help them with their gender expression - clothers and make up - perhaps something more toned down to start with would reduce the level of abuse they are likely to receive.

It would also help if they received a diagnosis of gender dysphoria (if they have it) and to get some CBT.

It would also be useful to speak to parents in a similar situation - not just the host of gender critical people here - but others who are supportive, to understand their journey.

I'm not going to react to any posts on this thread, unless OP directs a comment at me.

You'll get a bunch of suggestions here for trans-denying support organisations, but you could also try:

https://genderedintelligence.co.uk

Edited

Respecting women and girls is never even your last thought in any discussion, is it?

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