Men co-parenting while living with their parents

One of the things about breaking up is there isn’t a default back up adult if eg one is stuck on a train and will miss pick up.

In general terms (whether from maternity leave or social skills) women have built up more of a network of friends who could cover in an emergency. If there are grandparents who can do that, then that is a big help.

It’s 100% her fault!

My DM is in her 70s, with a catalogue of severe health problems. She still runs round after my 45yo DB who lives with her, does his cooking, washing and ironing, all the cleaning and looks after his child who comes to stay every weekend because DB is a hopeless, helpless man-baby who is incapable of growing up. She also takes no money from him and buys all his food, despite her being on pension credit and him earning a decent wage.

I suspect there are many men in the same position.

My friend's son does this.

She does it all for him, including the pick up and drop off as her son is "too busy" (he isn't, he's a gamer).

The never-ending parade of GFs who ended up "watching" his 3 year-old son after he's taken him to watch rugby. His son just watches daddy getting pissed in the club after the match while GFs get bored trying to watch him.

But that's okay as it's "bonding" for them. And my friend picks him up before my nephew gets too pissed to stand straight and it's all okay as all the dads do it.

And it's all her ex DIL's fault (it isn't - I know her mum well, too).

My friend's justification of her son's bad behaviour is shocking and she's just storing up trouble for the future. Her son has recently become engaged (again). I hope she knows what she's in for.

Sorry to be the horrible cynic but I think half the time they blame economics but they're just glad to palm the child off on their mother (the grandma) when it's their weekend

I have a friend who's the grandmother in this situation. Her son went back to live with her when his relationship broke up and the child's mum and child stayed in the family house. I don't know the precise arrangements but basically the child seems to stay with Dad and Grandma a couple of nights a week.

Maybe I'm missing the downsides and I don't suppose it'll work forever but right now, it's helped create a stable arrangement and regular contact with dad for a child after a family break up, plus it's enabled my friend to maintain a close relationship with her grand child and daughter in law.

(Edited cos of repetition)

I think as a mother in such a situation, where my ex lived with his parents, I'd be happier for him to co-parent than if he lived alone. Though that would very much depend on his parents and how loving they were towards the child/children. It would be nice for the children to still be able to have the experience of family.

Again with the assumptions- do you mean 'men' as in all single dads or do you mean 'men who only have their DC resident for a couple of days'?

I know 1 woman living with her parents and child, solo pregnancy & gp live in a big house in a good area with good schools so makes a lot of sense. GP always look a bit knackered but maybe that's me projecting! I know another child free woman back living with parents but complex parental care issues there as well as the financial side of renting/buying, and that scenario might play out in my own extended family. If older adults need help at home and have spare bedrooms it can make a lot of sense.

Men will still have more coming in on the whole than a single mum.

I often wonder how many parents pay adequate amounts of child maintenance. I found some figures as to how many separated families there are but not much else that is helpful. Most of the women I know don't seem to receive regular or reliable child maintenance payments. Some of the ones with CMS involvement are assessed at less than £10 a week and don't even receive that.

https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/research-briefings/cbp-10082/

I wish there were some decent statistics and data.

It's worth pointing out (as some people like to bash single mums for 'sponging off the state' ) that single Mums aren't automatically entitled to any more benefits than Dads, benefits are income rather than sex based!

I've noticed this too.

When men do t have a wife they go back home to get their mum to do their laundry.

I also think that if the dad wants to have the kids stay with him he will likely try to avoid a house share type situations. It's just not a very tenable scenario.

One of my best friends growing up lived with him mum and grandmother. I believe this was in part economic and in part because as a youngish single mum she needed the help.

I don't think it's that uncommon for single mothers to live with their mums or parents. So I'm not that surprised some men might too in a similar situation.

CoL I am sure is a factor, and also just how difficult it can be to find housing at all.

The single mums will presumably have benefits and child maintenance but the non resident dads won't have and of that and will pay maintenance each month - their only option might be to rent in a share house then that's not safe to have the kids overnight. They'll find a new girlfriend with her own place to move in with soon enough I'm sure 😂

This isn't a new thing. My parents lived with their parents for over 5 years when they were first married in the 60s. My friend and his girlfriend then wife lived at his mother's in the early 80s.

I'm in this situation.

DC's dad decided he wanted out (no warning, together a very long time) sold our home together, equity split 50/50. A decent deposit each.
I moved in with my parents for 6 months while I found and bought a new house. Picked myself up after the biggest shock of my life and heartbreak I thought I'd never recover from. But I did, for the sake of my child.
Ex is still living with his parents 8 years later. He had the same amount of money to start again as I did. No idea what he's done with it, but I think I can assume it wasn't sensible and not in the best interests of his child.
The only benefit I have that he doesn't is child benefit. I work full time and receive no other benefits. I had to buy a house in the catchment of a good school, large mortgage on my income alone. He could have bought a property in a much cheaper area. For whatever reason he's chosen not to. He pays the minimum child maintenance, far less than 50% of what it realistically costs to raise our child.
I'm so sad my child doesn't not have a decent role model in their father. Who had the same opportunity to start again as I did. Yes he pays child support, but it just about touches the sides of the realistic costs of raising a child. I am undoubtedly paying more towards our child's upbringing than he is.
It's sad and I wish it was different.

1 - there's nothing wrong with intergenerational living, most countries do it way, way more than we do. You have been conditioned to move out of your parents as early as possible for the lie of "independence" what it actually means is "spend more money on things to help the government".

2 - when I got divorced, I moved into my mums, despite owning the marital home (my mum had been born in it) for 18 months until my ex wife got herself together and moved out (along with 60% of our capital)

Don't judge people.

I don't really understand the disapproval of some posters for multi generational households - as Randysavage says they used to be the norm (and still are in some countries).

Single parenting is hard, for both men and women. Surely it's better for the child to live with several people who love them and a parent who is supported, rather than with just one parent who is stressed to the eyeballs with having to do everything themselves? (When I split up with my ex, myson was very young. I was relieved when his new gf moved in a couple of years later as I knew he'd be a better parent and nicer for our son to be around when he was there, if he had support and wasn't stressed and not coping). I don't get why having live in support is a bad thing?

I'm sure there are some cases of lazy bastards leaving everything to their parents/new partners but that's not going to be the case for everyone.