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Caroline Criado Perez on male violence and rape

80 replies

ArabellaScott · 07/09/2024 08:57

https://newsletter.carolinecriadoperez.com/p/invisible-women-not-all-menbut-how

Contains details of the horrific French rape case.

'The second thing we just can’t stop talking about is how many of them there were. In just this one small area of France. What does that mean about how many other men would do this if they had a chance? How many men in our lives? Men who are married. With children, and grandchildren. Who seem like devoted husbands and fathers?

This is the question we women have been asking ourselves in the wake of this story as we look at the men around us. The men we love. The men we know and trust. The men who, unlike us, are not talking about this story unless we bring it up with them.

And to these men, I have a question: why are you not talking about it? Does this story not disturb you as much as it disturbs us? Are you not as horrified as we are to be faced, yet again, with just how many men we’re talking about here? With how they live among us, so well-hidden in plain sight, behind happy suburban marriages? Why are you not talking about this to your male friends? Why are you not talking about this in public? '

Invisible Women: not all men...but how many?

“I saw him now and then in the bakery; I would say hello. I never thought he’d come and rape me.”

https://newsletter.carolinecriadoperez.com/p/invisible-women-not-all-menbut-how

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Rightsraptor · 07/09/2024 09:32

There was some research conducted by Oxford University, I believe, a few years back when they asked men if they would sexually assault women if they were 100% certain they wouldn't be found out. I have a figure of 10-15% in my head of those who said they would do that.

Does anyone know the research I mean?

RethinkingLife · 07/09/2024 09:27

Was this one of his sentences? Or is this your observation. Because if it is the later, I agree.

It was my observation. It's not disturbed him at all or made him think it's something he should discuss with other men. He doesn't begin to grasp how nauseated this story makes me and how much dissonance I have to cultivate to not think of this the next time I'm at a gathering.

A colleague was retrieving a file on his laptop for me the other day so that he could send it to me. I was standing right next to him. The first few letters in the search box brought up a bunch of temp files that indicated he'd been looking at 'milf' porn. It's a BYOD (bring your own device) workplace and his own laptop, I only got a glimpse, and he was obviously horrified and carried on typing so that refined it down to what I was looking for.

I don't know where I'm going with that but in combination with this story, it left me feeling a wretched blend of emotions. I don't want people to bring their whole selves and temp files to the workplace, even if it is their own property. I don't want to be reminded that I don't know what's going on in some colleagues' minds. I know this is absurd.

Helleofabore · 07/09/2024 09:17

RethinkingLife · 07/09/2024 09:12

I was telling DH about GP yesterday, explaining why it disturbed me so much. I specifically mentioned the bakery, the neighbour, and the men she passed in the street. The men claiming that they thought it was a consensual sex game and yet, somehow, not one of this men, even when alone with her, had cracked a wink, made a comment etc. I don't believe for a moment that they thought it was consensual.

I couldn't encompass the evil of participating in this horrendous abuse. And I talked about how unnerving it was to know how easy it had been for the husband to recruit others to do this. And, how many men had known what was going on but none had reported it.

I got 2 bland sentences back from DH. It's a news story he's not following to him. It's something that reinforces a particularly horrible and unsettling view of the world to me.

Edited

“It's something that reinforces a particularly horrible and unsettling view of the world to me.”

Was this one of his sentences? Or is this your observation. Because if it is the later, I agree.

If it is the former, what does one say to that?

popeydokey · 07/09/2024 09:13

Caroline has nailed it. All very well to shake your head and go "how terrible that one town in France must be" but surely it exposes how common and rampant this hatred and entitlement towards women is.

RethinkingLife · 07/09/2024 09:12

I was telling DH about GP yesterday, explaining why it disturbed me so much. I specifically mentioned the bakery, the neighbour, and the men she passed in the street. The men claiming that they thought it was a consensual sex game and yet, somehow, not one of this men, even when alone with her, had cracked a wink, made a comment etc. I don't believe for a moment that they thought it was consensual.

I couldn't encompass the evil of participating in this horrendous abuse. And I talked about how unnerving it was to know how easy it had been for the husband to recruit others to do this. And, how many men had known what was going on but none had reported it.

I got 2 bland sentences back from DH. It's a news story he's not following to him. It's something that reinforces a particularly horrible and unsettling view of the world to me.